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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

235 replies

AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:24

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

OP posts:
AristotleAteMyHamster · 13/08/2020 16:04

I’m also wondering if there’s a gender issue at play here. Perhaps DSS is jealous of another boy living with his father in a way he’s not about a girl.

Doesn’t make it right, of course, but it’s another angle to think about.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/08/2020 16:04

Being sad is totally understandable but to be forced to play with a younger child 6ou just find annoying is too.

I had this with my half sister. She was 4 years younger and we were totally different. I enjoyed my own company and playing with my things and I found her very annoying as she demanded do much attention.

My dad and SM were constantly insisting I played with her and I felt that it was all about me entertaining her so they didn't have to. She had no issues, she just hated doing anything on her own and saw my coming eow as a mean for entertainment.

We were never much close as kids but as adults, we get along brilliantly.

Don't put too much pressure on your SC. He was honest with you. Of course he has to be kind, but that doesn't mean he should be forced to play with your DS when he would be forcing himself to do so. Its not fair on him either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2020 16:05

I think this behaviour can’t be tolerated otherwise you’re going to have a big problem on your hands. There are lots of us out there, who’ve had to go nc with our siblings for our own psychological and / or physical protection in adulthood.

Please protect your ds. I also see modifying your dss’s behaviour as protecting him for this is creating boundaries as well as how to love and care for everyone. These are values he needs to be a well rounded adult.

MerryMarigold · 13/08/2020 16:06

@HarrietSchulenberg, but he plays with the 15 month old so it's not that. It may be he's jealous of another boy, or that he has difficult memories of when your Ds was born and he was 4. Must have been easier for him when your dad was born. So I can kind of get why her be more negative towards your Ds BUT it shouldn't be tolerated. In a very kind, but firm, way I'd get his Dad to explain how favouritism feels and that your Ds may not express it but it still hurts that he prefers DD. I would also explain that D's really needs him more than DD doors right now. That he can be a great big brother by playing with him a few times a day. Maybe if they could go out to the park or a walk with DH just the two of them it would help.

MerryMarigold · 13/08/2020 16:06

Dad! = dd

Durgasarrow · 13/08/2020 16:07

It's a tough one. On the one hand, it's important for kids not to be unkind. On the other hand, the three year old is not a fun companion. If he feels guilted or pressured he might not take well to it.

DotForShort · 13/08/2020 16:07

It sounds complicated, especially due to blended family dynamics and your son's autism. Does your DSS live with you full time?

I wouldn't read too much into a 7-year-old's offhand remark about not liking his brother. He may have felt rebuked and just lashed out with that statement. And he may not be able to fully articulate what he means. Since your DS is non-verbal and doesn't play the way a NT child might, your DSS may find it particularly difficult to interact with him. As the sibling of someone with ASD, I can say that my childhood was not always easy. And sometimes I didn't like spending time with my brother. My parents understood that, and I was allowed to retreat to my bedroom when I wanted to be on my own.

Now of course, that doesn't mean that you should accept unkindness toward your son. But I also don't think your DSS should be pressured to always include his brother. Are there games that you could organise that would be fun for all three children? It might be tricky with such a large age gap between them all. But I think it could be worthwhile to be a bit more involved in their play than you might otherwise be, to direct things so that all the children enjoy the experience and guide DSS by example.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/08/2020 16:07

Your dss is 7! It's about time he was taught that his behaviour isn't on. He's being a bully.

SunshineCake · 13/08/2020 16:09

I wonder whether it is more that your step son doesn't understand your son with him not being verbal. Could you show your step son the way your son communicates what he wants or needs? Maybe make some actions that are just for them? Maybe make a communication book with pictures of toys, books, drinks, food, activities in so that your son can show your step son what he would like to do?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 16:10

[quote dwiz8]@AryaStarkWolf nothing the OP has said indicates DSS being cruel
[/quote]
Telling him to go away every time he approaches him and leaving him out of playing with him and his sister every time is pretty cruel

EasterBuns · 13/08/2020 16:15

My children have a 3 year age gap and didn’t play together at that age. I would just try to encourage your DS to play with his younger sister as that has more chance of success. If DSs is playing with dd maybe you initiate something fun with DS and the others may wish to join, bubbles, baking etc doesn’t have to be fancy.

cansu · 13/08/2020 16:15

I would be having a word about being a family and caring for each other even though we don't always get on. He is 7 and at that age probably finds a younger sibling annoying; there may also be some sibling rivalry and the awareness that your ds has special needs. Saying outright that he doesn't like him is mean and should be dealt with appropriately. Taking the balloon away and saying that he doesn't want your ds to join in is also unkind and needs to be dealt with.

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/08/2020 16:16

It sounds very complicated with the whole blended family dynamic, and I've always said I won't force my children to play with their siblings if they don't want to but...

And this is a very big but...

Your 3yo is approaching his brother to play with in a way that he appears not to do with anyone else.

While it's difficult for a 7yo to understand, I would go along the lines of asking him to just give 10 minutes of his time to his little brother.

Your dh needs to speak with his son to help him understand it's ok to not want to play with someone, but it's also unkind to exclude someone for something that they might not be able to help - assuming communication might be an issue.

Do the younger 2 share the same dad as dss? If dss and dd have the same dad it could be another reason why he's leaving his brother out, because he doesn't feel like there's a connection. But it's down to you as adults to help him find it and ds(3) appears to be paving the way in wanting to get to know his big brother.

akerman · 13/08/2020 16:16

Agree 100% with both of fizzygreenwater's post. DSS is being very mean and 7 is not too young to understand this.

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/08/2020 16:16

And check he isn't getting teased elsewhere about his brother, because kids can be cruel at times.

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2020 16:18

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend

Personally I would have taken the toy off DSS after saying that. He needs to understand that this is not an appropriate thing to say.

Brieminewine · 13/08/2020 16:19

Hmm I wouldn’t push the issue but I think dad should have a chat with him about being kind and inclusive. Agree with PP saying to encourage DS and DD to play together, DSS might join in and start to build a relationship with DS.

Brieminewine · 13/08/2020 16:22

Do the younger 2 share the same dad as dss? If dss and dd have the same dad it could be another reason why he's leaving his brother out

Good point! I can see in how a 7yo head he could get that decision, DD is his sister but DS is just some annoying child that’s around!

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/08/2020 16:23

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend"
He's a bully....and it needs nipping in the bud now.
He's obviously noticed that your DS is 'different' in some ways - and i bet this is fuelling a lot of his attitude and behavior.

Your DS is already being emotionally affected by this bully behaviour towards him.
Those feelings stay with you even if the memories don't....and i bet he's already aware that he's 'different' in some ways......and now this bully is teaching him that 'different' is 'bad' and therefore he doesn't deserve friends!!!!!

I wouldn't be allowing DSS to play with your other child either until he sorts his attitude out.

june2007 · 13/08/2020 16:26

Take the ball situation, I would say let him have a kick, and encourage playing together even for a few minutes. TEll your 7 year old that he has to be patient with ds as he is only 3 and he needs to learn how to play and can he try to teach him. I think this is reasonable for 7.

TheRosariojewels · 13/08/2020 16:27

Isn’t this just general sibling squabbling? My kids regularly say they hate each other and don’t want to play with each other. My older siblings used to regularly tell me to go away when they they were playing.

DopamineHits · 13/08/2020 16:27

One thing you should do is advocate for your DS in his home. I don't mean make DSS feel unwelcome, but when he takes something from DS, give it back. Don't allow him to say mean things about DS unchallenged.

Do things with DS that look fun and that DSS will want to join in with. Give DSS lots of positive attention when he is playing well with DS. Make positive associations round them playing well together. If DSS won't play well with you and DS he has to go and do something by himself.

Angelina82 · 13/08/2020 16:39

Yanbu to feel as you do at all. I would feel very sad about this too. You obviously can’t force your DSS to like your DS, but at 7yrs old he is old enough to be taught about kindness. Did you say anything when he took the balloon of your son to give to your DD?

Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2020 16:45

I think a 7 year old is old enough to understand that your ds has extra needs. I have 2 DD’s with ASD and their older half siblings have always been understanding and caring towards them, dd1 can be very annoying at times but they always understood why she’s annoying. It’s unkind to say “I don’t like him” and a 7 year old should know that. No ones forcing him to play with his sibling but he can be a bit nicer about it when he doesn’t want to play with him or he could compromise and play with him for a short time.

Gamble66 · 13/08/2020 16:48

Play with them and model kindness but please don't force or berate your DS's. He's 7 yes we can teach kindness but we can also maje children feal they are 'therapy' for our additional needs children.