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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP he can't see his friends?

164 replies

janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:00

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 05/08/2020 00:05

Are you having any kind of couples counselling? Tbh, I'd try and get something like that in place because trying to agree rules and what constitutes improvement whilst also resenting each other isn't going to get you very far.

Yes, he should be telling his friends that the 2 nights were agreed and he can't do 3 but if he's the type to bully you into "compromising" then that's not going to happen.

redcarbluecar · 05/08/2020 00:08

3 nights camping with friends doesn’t sound very much - would you normally be pissed off with that, or is your annoyance more due to your current relationship difficulties? Just wondering why it’s such a bone of contention.

RedNun · 05/08/2020 00:08

I can’t see why three nights away camping precludes working on your relationship, OP. It might even help. Whether or not your relationship survives, you’ll both still need friends.

2155User · 05/08/2020 00:08

I’ve obviously no idea what’s happened prior, but it does seem as though your being very dramatic and precious.
It’s 1 extra night.
You can still work on your both as a couple. It might be a good opportunity to be a bit more romantic over text, organise a nice dinner together for when he gets back, go away for a night together afterwards.

If your relationship can’t survive being apart for 3 nights, you shouldn’t be together.

Halo1234 · 05/08/2020 00:09

For me its about give and take. I want my dh to live his best life as he does me. If its something he wants to do with his friends that will bring him enjoyment then I want that for him too. Likewise he does me. However that for both of us comes second to our finances and life together (ie neither of us book things with friends constantly and a family holiday would come first if we could only afford one). Can u afford for him to go? I think a 3 nights away is fine if he has the time/money. Why do u thinks its for u to limit one/two or three nights we aren't talking weeks or months here. Why is one night fine but 2 not? U sound controlling and like u don't have his best interests at heart. A 3 night trip and 2 weekends next year sound reasonable given u have no children (and therefore childcare issues) and both work. He is an adult if he wants a weekend away he should have the right to do that. Support him in what he wants and he will do the same for u. U are going to cause distance by making him jump through hoops to spend time with his friends. If my son was with someone like u I would be screaming red flag

Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:10

Sorry - the reason was because 1) it means I can't do anything because of the dogs - we don't live near anyone so I'm automatically limited to what I can do and 2) because I'd booked the same time off to spend "together" which I can now cancel but it's why I'm angry

OP posts:
2155User · 05/08/2020 00:11

it means I can't do anything because of the dogs

The world does not revolve around you

Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:11

Financially we are not hard up but have some big financial things up coming so have already discussed our need for a no-spend month.

He hates camping and doesn't want to go for that. He's already said he plans to convince them to then go to a hotel.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:13

@2155User no it doesn't. But he never gives me the equal opportunity so it's unfair that 3 nights and 4 days of my week are going to be extra hard because I have important calls and no help to ensure the barking dog doesn't bark and piss the neighbours off. Just feels unfair.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 05/08/2020 00:14

I agree with you op. It would have been great if he'd decided by himself that he couldn't go as he'd already committed to time together with you. Sadly it sounds like his friends come first.

CoRhona · 05/08/2020 00:15

YABU

Either both start working on your relationship now or end it. To be this pissed off about a couple of days away next year does not bode well.

2155User · 05/08/2020 00:18

Honestly OP you sound really immature.
This relationship clearly isn’t for you.
Just split up so you can both be happier.

quantumdog · 05/08/2020 00:18

It's easy. Buy a muzzle for the dog to use just when you're on important calls. It sounds like you're using the dogs as an utterly ridiculous excuse to be controlling of your DP. Please don't have children if you can't cope with a couple of dogs for 3 days alone.

Halo1234 · 05/08/2020 00:22

live and let live. U are only going to hurt yourself most in the long run. U will drive him away if u try and control him. Pre-kids we wouldn't even have asked each other. Just let each other know/checked it wasnt double booking. Let him choice to be with u. U are too controlling. Its not right. Even your title is awful.

TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 00:22

3 nights doesn't sound like much, tbh. Have your problems resulted from his trips with friends? If not, I'd be inclined to think nothing of it. Could he take up the slack with the dogs before and after his trip to allow you to concentrate on work then? Thus leaving a bit less work pressure when on your own? I'd try to accommodate 3 nights. It's not much. Would you benefit from 3 nights away at some other time? Maybe strike a deal.

Penguin1612 · 05/08/2020 00:23

You said you booked the same time off to spend time together but also have to concentrate on important calls- which is it?

If you cant cope with your dogs for a few days on your own you shouldn't have them.

I do think your excuses sound a bit weak tbh - just be honest and say you don't want him to go. Im exactly the same I hate my DH going out or away without me, it makes me worry and overreact and id rather he didnt go, you need to be honest rather than guilt trip about a dog or a phone call x

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 05/08/2020 00:24

Sounds like your relationship is pretty much dead in the water. In a healthy relationship i don't think this would be a problem at all.

Zhampagne · 05/08/2020 00:24

Your relationship doesn’t sound very happy. What do you get out of it?

eatsleepread · 05/08/2020 00:24

This is madness. So he can't go away for a couple of days because of a barking dog. Presumably you did discuss things like this when you made the (joint?) decision to take on the dog. You'd be better off getting a behaviourist involved, rather than insisting he stay home with you. Surely you can have your together time to sort through your issues at any point. Time apart and with friends is important too.
I hope you manage to resolve things, and I'm really sorry, but based on your opening post YABU Thanks

BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2020 00:26

3 nights .... is this a joke ?

Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:27

@CoRhona it's not next year it's next week. They're also going to two different foreign holidays next year.

OP posts:
TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 00:28

Also, why is your dog - rescue or not - barking continually to the extent that you can't make phone calls and it's upsetting the neighbours? That's a serious problem with any dog. It sounds distressed. Is it poorly?

Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:28

@Penguin1612 if he goes away I will cancel my leave and work - hence the calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyca · 05/08/2020 00:29

@TheChiefJo the neighbour has allowed foxes to reside in their garden, so the dog gets very angsts about this

OP posts:
2155User · 05/08/2020 00:29

Can already see how this will go.
@janeyca won’t believe anyone who says they are BU. Will only listen to posters who say she is write. OP will walk away thinking they’re totally sane,

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