To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[eatsleepread]

Sorry about the cheating, OP. I didn't know about that at first. Let's just say I know how it feels!
Just get out. You don't even have the bind of kids (not only a tie, but they can also ramp up the misery level in an already bad relationship ). Hope you're ok and good luck

[doityourselfnow]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

Try reading the thread? Fidelity is also pretty important to a successful relationship! It's also a good source of doom!

OP LTB, you can do better!

[Jocasta2018]

Let him head off with his mates.
Keep your leave.
Start sorting out paperwork, etc to split up - you'll be able to get a handle on the marital financial details far easier without him in the house.

[Zhampagne]

[quote janeyca]@Ellisandra the only reason I havent is we are married and just bought a new house that will lose a lot of money if it was sold, so I'm trying to figure out my way[/quote]
These aren’t reasons to fight for a marriage. Keep your leave and use it to get legal advice on protecting your interest in the house.

[CalmdownJanet]

Forget camping, he cheated, you don't have kids, run run run as fast as you can

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

YABU

[HowFastIsTooFast]

Skipped over the last few pages but from what I see on the first few, may I suggest he goes camping, takes the dog with him, you change the locks and leave his stuff on the driveway while he's away.

Job done.

[JuanNil]

@maddy68 if you're comfortable with your partner cheating on you and doing nothing to fix it, that's your prerogative. Other people don't all want to live like that, even if you think that's high maintenance, at least they have less risk of catching STDs

[lyralalala]

So many disingenuous people on this thread pretending that if they booked time off work and made plans with their partner, then their partner said "Sorry love, got a better offer" they'd be absolutely fine with that and the OP is being OTT objecting to that.

Not a chance. Even without the cheating that is not ok.

[Nanny0gg]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

RTFT might give you a clue

[lyralalala]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

How on earth is it "high maintenance" to be pissed off that the plans they made, and took annual leave for, have now been ditched for his mates?

You have incredibly low standards if it's ok for your partner to treat you like that

[lyralalala]

@Bluntness100

And I don’t agree that him going Away means you’re not his priority. He is allowed a life outside his marriage.

So if you and your other half made plans and you took time off work for those plans, you'd be ok if they then announced they'd had a better offer and were going away?

If you would then your standards are bloody low because basic manners is that when you've made plans you don't drop the person because you get another offer.

[maddy68]

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

[thepeopleversuswork]

I have to say my view is when people get to the point of saying they want to "work on us" there is no us. If being a couple becomes so difficult it requires a conscious effort which involves severing one another from friends and policing social behaviour its not serving either of you very well.

I think the additional night away is a bit of a red herring. You sounds thoroughly unhappy and it is probably better for everyone if you cut your loses and walk. For what its worth I think you're being melodramatic about this additional night and should let that go. But its quite clear that this relationship isn't bringing either of you much joy.

[JuanNil]

@Veganfortheanimals OP is married. Also it's excellent that you would never tell your husband he couldn't do something after he cheats on you. Please, can you let other women here know how you manage to do that? Some people are really precious about their husbands sleeping with other women, God knows why 🤷‍♀️

[ScrapThatThen]

Don't stay unhappy for a house

[Nanny0gg]

@Veganfortheanimals

I’m married with4 kids
And I would not dream of telling my dh he couldn’t do something.
Yr not married ,you don’t have kids ..yet you think you can tell him what he can and can’t do.
Bizarre

So is not RTFT but commenting anyway

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

" the point is he can do other things if he’s making effort the rest of the time."

How on earth is cancelling the planned time to work on their relationship, in favour of going out with friends, making ANY effort at all? Let alone 'the rest of the time'. Stop being so ignorant.

[gutentag1]

He cheated on you, and is now going away with his mates during the time you agreed to work on your relationship?

He should be going above and beyond to show you that he is 100% committed to making this work. Instead he's doing the exact opposite.

Life's too short, dump this waste of space.

[differentnameforthis]

OK, so you are recovering (very recently so) from him cheating...

And instead of trying to repair this, he is testing you by going on holiday! He should be telling his friends that he can't go and he should be working on your relationship.

YANBU, but I can why people have said you are, as this info is quite important.

[Babyboomtastic]

Without the cheating:

You don't have any children, you can presumably spend all weekend, pretty much every weekend together. Depending on the dog/where you go, there is nothing to stop you going away for weekends with your husband, even without having to book time off work. You are totally and utterly unreasonable for not wanting him to go away for 3 nights. To the extent that it sounds a bit controlling and worrying to me.

Beer in mind you are in a parenting site, where some people haven't spent a night alone with their partner for a decade. I get some 'alone time' with mine, but it's a few hours once or twice a month, and I'm lucky compared to many.

You have evenings, and weekends, and most of your leave. Begrudging him 3 nights with friends is odd.

But considering the cheating, I can see why you are feeling uncomfortable about him going away. Only you can answer whether you'd have been the same about this camping trip before the cheating, and whether your reluctance is because you are controlling, or whether it's because you have been hurt and need reassurance.

[Howyiz]

@Bluntness100 so if your husband and you made plans, you booked time off work and he then said, actually, I'm going to go away with my friends instead, you think that is fine? Because I would be furious! He made plans with his wife and now he had gotten a better offer he is off??

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

I don't necessarily think yabu as such but I do think this has become somewhat symbolic for you of the relationship. I don't think hibu about the trip (although a giant arse about cheating .....he should be considering himself insanely lucky you are staying ) but you've picked this as a symbolic hill to die on and only you know if you feel it's worth it.

Rather than focusing on things like the dogs etc focus on what is actually bothering you ? Is it because he has agreed to this so it suggests he is still not putting you first , are you secretly concerned he may cheat again.

I don't think you are unreasonable but I do think you aren't being honest with yourself about why you are annoyed.

[Bluntness100]

OP is also allowed a life that doesn't involve a man cheating on her and then making other plans with friends when he planned to be fixing it with her

Totally agree but I think if you read back I’m not the one that suggests she stays with him, that’s her decision and certainly isn’t with my encouragement.

How, no, the point is he can do other things if he’s making effort the rest of the time. Forcing him to not go with his mates and stay with her is not the answer here.

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

@Bluntness100

And I don’t agree that him going Away means you’re not his priority. He is allowed a life outside his marriage.

OP is also allowed a life that doesn't involve a man cheating on her and then making other plans with friends when he planned to be fixing it with her.