To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[Blackdog19]

Ignoring the cheating, if you’ve both booked leave (ok he’s a teacher so off all summer but you’ve booked leave) to spend time together and now he wants to go off with his mates, that’s really hurtful. Did you have plans to do anything?

[notsureofname]

Is he really going camping with mates ? You've already said he intends to ask them to stay in a hotel. I think he meeting OW -sorry.

[Veganfortheanimals]

I’m married with4 kids
And I would not dream of telling my dh he couldn’t do something.
Yr not married ,you don’t have kids ..yet you think you can tell him what he can and can’t do.
Bizarre

[wildcherries]

If you had put the cheating in the OP, replies would have been focused on that from the start. Weird thing to dripfeed. I agree with advice to let him go and use the time to come to terms with your marriage ending. He has shown you his priorities. Now prioritise yourself. Don't stay with someone who doesn't care about you.

[UgaBaluga82]

Send him on a camping trip with the dog.

Use your days off to work out how you can separate from this cheater who clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

You can do better.

[Branleuse]

it would affect how i felt about working on the marriage tbh. If he had cheated, id likely have one foot out the door, if not both, and he has a hell of a lot of work to do to prove himself right now. Doesnt sound like hes that bothered.

Under normal circumstances it would be different.
He hasnt changed clearly

[Dillybear]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and I’m surprised so many people do. I think that arranging to spend time with your partner and then cancelling because something better came up - that is basically what he’s doing here - is unbelievably shitty. The fact that this was supposed to be time where you were going to work on your relationship after his infidelity and you arranged leave - that just makes it ten times worse.

OP, he is showing you through his actions how little he thinks of you and what he is willing to do to salvage your relationship. Listen to him!

[Elmo230885]

You are both unreasonable.
He's a cheater, obviously isn't too fussed about the marriage otherwise he would have prioritised time as a couple.
You are being controlling, you'll have the same feelings and grasp at straws every time he goes anywhere trying to find an excuse to stop him.
Stop flogging this dead horse of a relationship and both move on.
Life is too short!

[Pittapitta]

No kids, not married, why are you staying? I’d let him go for the 3 nights and not be there when he returned.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Before i'd read that he'd had an affair I was going to say you were being unreasonable, however now I know the 'why' and it being so recent, I do think he's bu. Not because of the dogs, work or seeing friends (we should all take time with friends, it's very important), but because he should be working on building up trust and going off for a lads weekend it pretty inconsiderate tbh. This time next year, all going well, I'd be fine with. But not so soon after his affair. Just feels he's decided it's done with and everything should return to normal - which it never will be the 'old normal' again

[Pittapitta]

Sorry just saw you’re married. Leave him. He cheats and then is being disrespectful to you about this trip he should have said no to his mates as he had plans with you, you’re not just a pastime until something better comes alone. Honestly leave the cheater.

[YoBeaches]

I'm a bit confused - was he aware that you booked leave and where due to spend time together? If so then why is there any conversation about him going camping. He should be saying no, and the group can go without him or choose another weekend.

Why are you backing down on this? If you enable him to prioritise his friends like this then - and he does- then your relationship is already over, as neither if you are actually working on it.

You're at home working, he's away.

[Lurchermom]

@Penguin1612

You said you booked the same time off to spend time together but also have to concentrate on important calls- which is it?

If you cant cope with your dogs for a few days on your own you shouldn't have them.

I do think your excuses sound a bit weak tbh - just be honest and say you don't want him to go. Im exactly the same I hate my DH going out or away without me, it makes me worry and overreact and id rather he didnt go, you need to be honest rather than guilt trip about a dog or a phone call x

I think this is unfair (about the dogs). We have a very challenging rescue dog and 3 days on my own with her (or my husband) is enough to have me pulling my hair out, especially because she has terrible anxiety when one of us isn't home. It is really really challenging. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't have her. It means she's a work in progress and from a really upsetting background which we are trying to improve.
So OP has my sympathy on the dog front. However, that's where my sympathy ends.
If you want to work on your partnership you really need to loosen the reins. If you 'know' you will argue about this - surprise him. Don't make it into an argument. Say "I know this year has been a challenge for everyone, I'm happy for you to go for the two/three nights so you can let your hair down and just enjoy yourself - on the understanding I get to do the same soon!"
He goes away and has a good weekend, he feels more relaxed and hopefully kinder towards you. Yes you have a slightly stressful few days. Book yourself a trip somewhere so you have something to look forward to. Take the dogs on some long walks to try and wear them out. Or do you have a friend who could come and visit?
Sometimes enforced time together 'to work on your relationship' is the worst thing you can do. You're just creating a pressure cooker.

[YoBeaches]

Oh the thread had only just fully loaded. He cheated on you? Then my comments are even more valid.

You're prioritising 'us' he's prioritising 'me'.

Let him do whatever he likes and work on your plan to leave. Take a couple of days off anyway whilst he's gone. Walk the dogs, clear your head, refocus.

[CallmeAngelina]

So, he negotiated one or two nights so you might say yes. Now he's pushing it to three.
He's agreed to camp with his mates. Now he's going to push to switch it to a hotel.
Is this how he operates in life generally? Gets someone to agree something ostensibly reasonable and then inch it around to what he actually wants?

[TwentyViginti]

HE CHEATED ON YOU. That is the main problem here. Set him free to shag around, because he'll continue to do it anyway.

[TW2013]

First can he take the dog with him, might cramp his style a little but dog might love it. Secondly I think if he is cheating already when you are ?fairly recently married, new home etc. then I think that is who he is. If it were 20 years and three dc later then it would still be awful but people change over time. He is already showing he doesn't prioritise your relationship, believe him. If you have important phonecalls and you are fine financially do you earn more than him? The longer you are married the harder it will be to detangle your finances. Do you ever want children? I don't think that that will happen with him, he doesn't prioritise you or your relationship. I would spend the time sorting out the finances and leaving.

[EmbarrassedUser]

Bloody hell @janeyca How would you feel if he said that to you? He’s not a child. You’ve got bigger problems than him going away for a short period of time. Let him go and it will probably be a good period of time for you both to reflect. Then you can have counselling or consider parting ways.

[billy1966]

OP,

You have married a cheater.
This is who he is.

The camping is just more fxxk you.

You have a huge financial tie to him.
This should be your focus.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.

He is not a good man.
Your relationship is not going to last.

If you can't mind the dog, please return it.

He doesn't give a damn about you, your life, your dog or your future.

He's a waster who wants to camping with the boys when his relationship is on his knees.

You both sound very young.

Do not waste your life and future on a twat like him.

You are trying to fix the unfixable.

Be brave, reach out for support from family and friends and work on getting away from this looser.

[Quartz2208]

I think for you it comes down to this @janeyca:

He has been unfaithful and you have agreed to work on it

Part of this presumably involved spending time next week together.

He has now changed the plans so he goes away. You have accepted that

You have financial worries and rather than camping like everyone else wants he wants to spend more money

And you think that the minute his mates say ok he will say ok

He is showing exactly where making things right with you stands. You with the dogs back working while he goes on a jolly with friends

I dont think there is much worth saving here OP. Cut your losses

[AdoptAdaptImprove]

I’m astonished that people aren’t being more furious on your behalf that you both booked leave to spend time together, and then he decided to go off on a lad’s trip - however long or short! It’s a complete disregard for you and your relationship. Does he honestly think that his behaviour is likely to rebuild trust? Telling you it’s one night under canvas and then gradually morphing into three nights in a hotel, and then perhaps a hotel abroad...

He’s very sure of you, isn’t he? You need to think about whether you still want to be there when he gets back. If it was me, his stuff would be on the porch when he arrived. There’s no way he’d be coming home to me.

[Clymene]

If you'd written your OP like this:

My husband and I are trying to rebuild our relationship after he had an affair which I discovered last month. He's a teacher so isn't working at the moment and I have booked some time off work so we can work on our relationship. He has just announced that he's going away with friends camping during the week I've booked off. AIBU to be really upset?

You would have got totally different responses.

I suspect you didn't write it like that because you know what kind of replies you'd have got.

I'm so sorry but your relationship is dead. He is showing you that he doesn't care about reviving it. Staying because you've just bought a house and will lose money is bonkers.

Find your pride, find your anger and use the time he's away to start divorce proceedings.

[DullDullWeather]

Not being funny OP , but why, in the middle of all this, and a new house, get a dog ?

I am NOT condemning you , just v curious as to why .

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Yes to PP
I don’t see he was a cheater

Send him away and do some thinking , and
Planning
It’s massively painful and shit and horrible OP

But , what long term happiness can you foresee really ?

[BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs]

It isn't controlling to want to stick to a plan that they'd already made!

If this was 'AIBU to be pissed off that I took leave because I had plans with a friend, and now she's cancelled our plans to see other people' Op would be told her friend was a rude fucker and should have given priority to the first plans she had in place.

The fact they're married and trying to work on a marriage that he broke makes it so many times worse.

Op I agree with pp's that perhaps waving him off then keeping your leave to really assess whether you want to stay in this marriage might be the better option. He's showing you who he is, again. He's making his priorities abundantly clear. Listen to him. The money is gone, it really shouldn't be a factor - you staying in this marriage and being unhappy isn't going to be worth the price.