To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[1Morewineplease]

@MsTSwift

God poor guy! He has no kids and wants to go camping for 3 nights?! I’d run mile if I were him

You really need to RTFT.

[nestisflown]

I don’t understand the majority of the responses. OP said from her first post that her and her DP had agreed to spend this time together- and she had even booked annual leave to accommodate their plans. And then he goes and agrees to a trip with his friends. Even without the later revelations of cheating, that’s fucking rude. It is not controlling to stick to plans you’ve made together and even booked time off work for.

I think this thread shows the inherent sexism women still face - wives are controlling, better to be cool and let the boys be boys. As someone pointed out upthread, if the thread had been about OP’s friend bailing on prearranged plans, we would have been on CF friend territory.

[1Morewineplease]

OP, others have mentioned keeping your time off to reflect on your marriage and the way forward.

[backseatcookers]

I'm afraid all too often if someone does something that is a 'LTB' situation and they are given a second chance, they sort of know they can get away with behaving incredibly badly and being forgiven / the relationship not ending.

You've shown him he can hurt you and you won't end it. So he has no motivation to stop doing things that hurt you. Because he wants to do those things more than he wants to make you happy.

[Howyiz]

So your husband cheated on you.
Then you both agreed to him going away for 1 night, now it transpires that the trip is for 3 nights.
It is a camping trip, which your husband doesn't like but he will go and try and persuade his friends to move to a hotel.
He really does just like his own way. He has no consideration for you or his friends.
Honestly, take the time off and start figuring out a way froward on your own.

[godsowncountry]

I mean, you need to leave your husband, he's a tosser .

Owning two dogs doesn't really limit you in any credible way - as the owner of two small children and two large dogs, the dogs are almost universally more accepted than the children.

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

Honestly, you’ve said there are huge problems in your relationship and you’ve both agreed to work on them. If he was afraid that you would leave him, if he cared that much, he’d tell his friends no the moment you reminded him that you were meant to work on things together. He’s making it SO obvious right now that you are not a priority. If you’re not a priority now, when he’s apparently ‘working’ to be better, then you never will be a priority to him. I’m not trying to be mean. I just want you to see what’s really happening. Please just walk away. You don’t have to be angry. Just say that you hoped you could work on things but you’ve realised nothing will change.

[Bluntness100]

Op take a step back, is this really how you want your relationship to be? He has to ask permission and isn’t allowed away with his friends, he cheats on you, and you pretend to forgive and forget? That you act like his parent and decide what he can and cannot do?

Causing further resentment and forcing him to stay home and using the dog as an excuse isn’t going to make this better. You need to solve the core issues, not go down this route of becoming the strict parent. It will never work.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You won’t be together by the time the trip comes round so I wouldn’t waste sleep over it.

[Bluntness100]

And I don’t agree that him going Away means you’re not his priority. He is allowed a life outside his marriage.

[Brefugee]

Some of the answers are a bit weird. Even before the cheating info, they had planned time off together to work on their marriage and then DH wants to go camping with the lads instead. i think that makes him VU and OP not U at all.

Your calls weren’t that important if you’d booked time off work
This is just weird. Work is important when you work. When you're off you're off. How difficult is it to understand that?

The dogs are a side issue though.

The question is, OP, is this the make or break event? If you think it is, tell DH. If he doesn't and still wants the camping trip you know that you're not aligned and that you really ought to pack it in.

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

The interesting thing here is that the people who are suggesting OP is controlling, aren't telling her to leave. They're telling her to change her outlook, treat him better, put up with what she thinks is an issue because 'she's wrong' and she needs to be kinder to him.

That's all bullshit. If somebody really thought you were controlling, they'd tell you to leave and let your partner have a life. They'd tell the partner to get out of there ASAP, because abusers never change.

If you think OP is an abuser, then like any other abuser she will never change. So what's the point of telling her off?

The fact is, this is not a controlling situation, and there are some people who really do want people like the OP to stay in relationships that make them miserable, all because they think that leaving the poor manchild is some kind of punishment to him. They'll hang on to anything that says you're abusive and run with it.

Just walk away. From your DP, and from the people on this thread that think you're controlling him. You don't need to live your life like that, you can do better.

[Hidingtonothing]

I'd be spending those 3 days working out how to make separation work out the best it can for you OP. Irrespective of finances and joint commitments (dogs) I would not be staying with anyone who cheated on me, much less someone who then didn't devote 100% time and energy to fixing what he broke.

Just the fact that he wants to go away with his mates rather than spend the time trying to rebuild your relationship tells you everything you need to know. This marriage is no more than an exercise in seeing how much shit you will take before you finally hit your limit for him now.

Don't waste energy 'working on' this relationship OP, work on how you can separate instead because trying to make this work will do far more damage than the financial impact of splitting

[Howyiz]

@Bluntness100 did you miss the part that this was the OP and her husbands holiday time and now the husband has decided to go away with his friends instead?

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

@Bluntness100

And I don’t agree that him going Away means you’re not his priority. He is allowed a life outside his marriage.

OP is also allowed a life that doesn't involve a man cheating on her and then making other plans with friends when he planned to be fixing it with her.

[Bluntness100]

OP is also allowed a life that doesn't involve a man cheating on her and then making other plans with friends when he planned to be fixing it with her

Totally agree but I think if you read back I’m not the one that suggests she stays with him, that’s her decision and certainly isn’t with my encouragement.

How, no, the point is he can do other things if he’s making effort the rest of the time. Forcing him to not go with his mates and stay with her is not the answer here.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

I don't necessarily think yabu as such but I do think this has become somewhat symbolic for you of the relationship. I don't think hibu about the trip (although a giant arse about cheating .....he should be considering himself insanely lucky you are staying ) but you've picked this as a symbolic hill to die on and only you know if you feel it's worth it.

Rather than focusing on things like the dogs etc focus on what is actually bothering you ? Is it because he has agreed to this so it suggests he is still not putting you first , are you secretly concerned he may cheat again.

I don't think you are unreasonable but I do think you aren't being honest with yourself about why you are annoyed.

[Howyiz]

@Bluntness100 so if your husband and you made plans, you booked time off work and he then said, actually, I'm going to go away with my friends instead, you think that is fine? Because I would be furious! He made plans with his wife and now he had gotten a better offer he is off??

[Babyboomtastic]

Without the cheating:

You don't have any children, you can presumably spend all weekend, pretty much every weekend together. Depending on the dog/where you go, there is nothing to stop you going away for weekends with your husband, even without having to book time off work. You are totally and utterly unreasonable for not wanting him to go away for 3 nights. To the extent that it sounds a bit controlling and worrying to me.

Beer in mind you are in a parenting site, where some people haven't spent a night alone with their partner for a decade. I get some 'alone time' with mine, but it's a few hours once or twice a month, and I'm lucky compared to many.

You have evenings, and weekends, and most of your leave. Begrudging him 3 nights with friends is odd.

But considering the cheating, I can see why you are feeling uncomfortable about him going away. Only you can answer whether you'd have been the same about this camping trip before the cheating, and whether your reluctance is because you are controlling, or whether it's because you have been hurt and need reassurance.

[differentnameforthis]

OK, so you are recovering (very recently so) from him cheating...

And instead of trying to repair this, he is testing you by going on holiday! He should be telling his friends that he can't go and he should be working on your relationship.

YANBU, but I can why people have said you are, as this info is quite important.

[gutentag1]

He cheated on you, and is now going away with his mates during the time you agreed to work on your relationship?

He should be going above and beyond to show you that he is 100% committed to making this work. Instead he's doing the exact opposite.

Life's too short, dump this waste of space.

[WhatCFeryIsThis]

" the point is he can do other things if he’s making effort the rest of the time."

How on earth is cancelling the planned time to work on their relationship, in favour of going out with friends, making ANY effort at all? Let alone 'the rest of the time'. Stop being so ignorant.

[Nanny0gg]

@Veganfortheanimals

I’m married with4 kids
And I would not dream of telling my dh he couldn’t do something.
Yr not married ,you don’t have kids ..yet you think you can tell him what he can and can’t do.
Bizarre

So is not RTFT but commenting anyway

[ScrapThatThen]

Don't stay unhappy for a house

[JuanNil]

@Veganfortheanimals OP is married. Also it's excellent that you would never tell your husband he couldn't do something after he cheats on you. Please, can you let other women here know how you manage to do that? Some people are really precious about their husbands sleeping with other women, God knows why 🤷‍♀️