To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[jessstan2]

Well, BitOfFun, the op has said her partner was unfaithful to her so there is more to it than just a trip away with his friends.

OP whose idea was it to take in the most recent dog?

Your neighbours haven't invited foxes into their garden, the foxes just go in. They come in mine. One died at the end of next door's garden a few years ago.

There's nothing you can do apart from erecting a strong, high fence or wall. It is quite natural for a dog to bark at the scent of a fox. I remember a neighbour's dog chasing one through various gardens, both of them leaping over low fences. I had quite a big cat and if he went in the garden while foxes were there, they'd run off. However I had other cats and they were quite friendly with foxes and would play with the cubs.

I've gone off the point. I do think you are unreasonable to object to your partner's camping trip but you have to sort out what you want from this relationship; the fact of his infidelity does not bode well.

Good luck.

[coffeerice]

OP
This is not a battle worth fighting. Let him go with good grace. You'll gain far more respect from that.
You've decided to try and regain a happy marriage, so start from now. If the tables were turned and you wanted to do something with friends you wouldn't be happy to be stopped or made to feel guilty.
You're not saying the wrong thing but it isn't working is it?
Change how you react and I promise you he will too......if you want to save the marriage that is .

[BitOfFun]

@jessstan2- it looks like I should have read more of the thread than I did...

[Pinklynx]

I'd really think about whether this marriage is worth saving. Remember the sunk costs fallacy. If you continue to invest even more in this relationship by staying with this man you'll make it even harder to leave and he will have even more power over you to continue to behave how he wants to.

I will bet that he doesn't consider your feelings in other ways too. Which is why this thing has become such a bone of contention. When you feel like someone isn't taking you into account, the smallest slight becomes unbearable.

He has had an affair but he still isn't working on the relationship. He won't change and his needs and wants will always come above yours.

[BlokeNumber9]

This forum is full of emotional vultures who feed off wounded relationships and I hate to sound like one of them. Even so, my view is that you should consider leaving.

[Purpleartichoke]

Op, I’ve been there. It’s not about the trip. It’s about prioritizing your relationship at a time that is needed.

I do think you should just let him go for the full duration, but maybe keep your leave. Use the time to reflect and decide if you are goiNg to be able to reach a point where you can be happy or if all this work is for nothing.

(I actually did similar when my XH when on a guys Trip over Christmas/new years. By the time he had returned, I had decided to LTB)

[Carouselfish]

Its ridiculous that you'd booked time off to spend together and that he didn't just tell his friends that. It's also ridiculous that you haven't got time to work on a rescue dog's issues. Can't just get one and then ignore/be irritated by it. Tire it out with a major walk for a couple of hours and then have it sleep in the room while you work, plus a chew for when it wakes up. Should buy you a few hours. Putting a muzzle on it is a stupid idea that will further stress out a stressed out dog.

[NoGinNotComingIn]

Imagine if a woman posted that her bf won't let her go on a weekend away with her girlfriends as he has to work and the dog barks too much. She'd be told he's controlling and she needs to ltb etc etc. It sounds equally ridiculous with the roles switched!

You don't have any children so it isn't like he's going away and leaving you on your own to do everything for them, sorry I don't see the problem. Unless money is an issue for you, I couldn't think why you'd want to stop him, other than being a bit possessive. The dog thing is a weird excuse.

[Crumpets111]

You sound very controlling tbh, your rescue dog is none of his concern. He returns back to the unknown (Classroom) shortly, he is entitled to a break.

[MsDogLady]

Affair recovery requires a massive effort by the cheater to restore trust.

Your H cheated a month ago. You both agreed to earmark these upcoming days to work on your relationship. A truly remorseful partner would not blow off this effort to help you heal. He would not prioritize a trip with mates. He seems confident that you will accept his disrespect and manipulation.

I wouldn’t be staying with this entitled, untrustworthy, self-indulgent man. I see no “signs of improvement.”

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

I think a lot of people are missing the point that OP and her DH had planned to spend this time together - he's now turned around and said sorry love, I'm going camping with the lads instead.

Even without the backdrop of his cheating I would also be unhappy in this situation - and I am someone who goes on plenty of trips without my DH.

OP, he is clearly telling you who he is and where his priorities lay - listen and get out.

[MsDogLady]

I would take both dogs together on long walks, and would work in training time with the new rescue. Take him out walking alone with dog treats, command him to ‘sit’ at intervals, and reward with part of a treat. Add new commands gradually as weeks pass. The exercise/learning will help improve his confidence and should lessen his anxiety. Also offer him a variety of dog toys and safe chews.

[ukgift2016]

I think many people are confused.

OP partner recently cheated on her and they took holiday to spend time together to work on their relationship. He is now choosing to put his friends first = selfish twat.

On the dog issue, why did you choose to get another dog when your relationship was suffering?

[SunshineCake]

He should go. Time apart gives you both time to think. Keep the booked time off to give you time to learn how to look after your dogs. If a dog is barking all the time it needs interaction, toys, training.
If he cheated then it is either leave or work on it.

[wibdib]

Get them all to shift the dates so it’s not in the time off together that you both already had plans for.

Or get him to take the noisy dog camping with him - they van hall give the dog lots of walks and affection, it won’t screw up your calls and dog will hopefully enjoy the break and attention.

[VeganCow]

@SleepingStandingUp

Bog him off on his trip, keep your leave. Take the time to decide if you want this marriage or not

The best advice here.

You've put that you basically don't want to waste your leave that you were meant to be using to do something with him, and as thats not happening now, are going to cancel it.

Don't cancel it as it'll be too stressful with calls/dogs. I would use the time to have a good think about what you want, or if that is too much now, start some proper dog training. There is plenty positive reinforcement type training for barking dogs online, or pay a good, well respected dog trainer to take the barker away. I know someone who did this and they brought the dog back with its problem erased but you have to keep their methods up.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I also can’t see why 3 nights is a big deal either
You’ve been together all lockdown

Have a break , take some holiday and have shorter working day and enjoy yourself too

If you need to sort things so be it , but friends are also important

[Nanny0gg]

OP, start a new thread with all the relevant info in Relationships.

You might get more helpful answers as people might read your posts

[TheLegendOfZelda]

@TheChiefJo

Right, so he's a cheater. That's why I asked if him being away was a cause of the problem. It was. Hence you seem unreasonable. But if you live with a cheater you'll never relax. The situation turns you into a paranoid controller.

If him going away is too stressful (and I understand how it could be) staying with him is a bad idea. You'll turn into something you don't even like.

LTB.

The alternative is a life of paranoid, demanding, controlling and anxiety.

Totally 100% this

This is your future. If it doesn't feel good now, imagine how it will feel in a year or so, even longer

At first I thought you sounded controlling and unreasonable but actually, he is prioritizing a holiday away with friends (let's hope it's with friends) over rebuilding your relationship a month after a disclosure of infidelity, on exactly the days you had taken off to spend together? Nah, that is a man who doesn't deserve a second chance and doesn't give a shit.

[Cherrybakewellll]

I think it's unhealthy NOT to spend some time apart from each other. How often does he socialise without you?

If he goes for 3 nights that's fine, when you want 3 nights away you get the same pass, no excuses.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Ok so he's been shagging around and now doesn't give a flying rats arse what you think about him going away with his mates. You'll drive yourself mad trying to work out of he's cheating on you or not and in the meantime he will do exactly what he pleases. This is it for the rest of your life. You sat at home, on your own while he pisses it up with his mates, being the only one "working" on your marriage. If you have kids, sat home with the kids night after night while he does what he wants.

Or, leave him and not have to worry about what he's doing at all, leaving you the opportunity to find someone who actually loves you - if he loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them.

Basically - nothing you've said makes me think he's trying to work on them at all.

[StillWaitingOverHere]

YANBU at all. If you’ve booked leave so that you can spend time together to work on your marriage, he should have told his mates that he couldn’t go on a camping trip for any amount of nights as he already had plans with you. He was unfaithful and still you’re not his top priority at a time where he should be doing everything he can to prove he wants your marriage to work. I’m so sorry but I would be walking away and leaving him as I don’t think things will get any better. Have you told anyone in RL what’s gone on? I think you need the support from friends/family to help you move on as he’s not supporting you at all.

[MsTSwift]

God poor guy! He has no kids and wants to go camping for 3 nights?! I’d run mile if I were him

[hatesomethinchangesomethin]

@MsTSwift he cheated on her recently and she's only just found out.. would you be happy with your oh going away less than a month after that coming to light?