To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[SeaToSki]

Have you had a STD check up?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Bog him off on his trip, keep your leave. Take the time to decide if you want this marriage or not

[imissthesouth]

Personally I'd try couples counselling if you're paranoid about him staying away. It's unhealthy for you and will lead to a life of misery, which I'm pretty certain you don't want. Give it a go and if you can't work through your issues and trust DH, it's time to cut your losses and move on, for your own sanity. Stuff like this can destroy you as a person

[imissthesouth]

YANBU about the trip btw, I'd be annoyed too if it would interfere with my work

[Jihhery]

You want proof he's changing and this is proof he isn't. I see where you're coming from but you're shooting yourself in the foot.

This isn't about the extra night.

[lyralalala]

Even without the cheating I’d be pretty pissed off if I’d taken annual leave to do something together then he’d decided to fuck off with his mates

The fact he’s decided to fuck off with his mates despite the fact you’ve taken time off to work in the marriage he betrayed says it all about how much he wants to work on it.

Use your time off to work out your plans without him. Copy important documents and pull together finances. If that’s the level of him working on it then he’s already gone

[Crankley]

I don't really agree with an adult telling another adult what they can or can't do.

You need to decide if him going with friends is something you can accept or not. If the latter, it's probably time to end the relationship, especially if he has cheated.

[theBelgranoSisters]

His1 night away was always 3-he's just playing it, i dont blame him home life hardly sounds fun-you are totally incompatible if you cant even have a few days away from each other when you like-what the point?. You dont share kids so you're clutching at straws and trying to use the dogs as the negotiator instead wtf?.As an aside why do people like you bother bringing a pet home that is clearly so hard to handle? I live near a nutjob on acreage who has convinced herself that "rescuing"pets no-one else can handle off FB and gumtree (then basically ignoring the fact they are deranged,wired up wrong&need medicating) & just sticks them in her humongous back garden/dog run and lets them howl and bark the .place down..they never see human contact and are filthy. Fortunately the council now have enough fodder to start removing these"beloved pets"...

[Takingontheworld]

Unfortunately the cheating is everything in this situation.

No cheating= you'd seem UR to me.

You finding out about his cheating 1 mo ago= he shouldn't even be thinking about this, he should be all in and focused on your marriage alone right now. He is not committed to winning you over and saving your marriage op. Losing money on a house not a good enough reason to stick around for this bullshit op. Come on now- time to have some self respect, he's certainly not showing you any.

[TheChiefJo]

Completely agree with Takingontheworld

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

The fact he’s decided to fuck off with his mates despite the fact you’ve taken time off to work in the marriage he betrayed says it all about how much he wants to work on it.

This basically sums it up nicely. He is treating you like an idiot, don't allow it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He can do what he likes. You can leave him. That's really the choice. He's decided how important the relationship is.

However, whose idea was the new rescue in a shitty relationship. Very bad idea.

[whiplashy]

YABVU

[katy1213]

Why are you even bothering to work on this relationship?You've no children - so what's the point?
Just make sure you don't get custody of the dog!

[Flowers009]

He's not your child,
Unless his friends are druggys, losers or encourage bad behaviour you have no right to tell him he can't see them he's a grown ass man

[Flowers009]

Just re read so he made plans with you, then he is wrong

[Yeahnahmum]

No way. Dont use your dogs as an excuse however. Just tell him no.
Stick to what you agreed on . And if he wants to go longer then he can just stay there. For ever.
The fact that you are willing to stay with him after he cheated on you...he is already the luckiest man..

[1forAll74]

You need to control your dogs, but your husband does not need to be controlled, and should go and enjoy these breaks with his friends.

[stellabelle]

Why on earth did you get a noisy barking rescue dog when you knew you were working from home and you'd get stressed ?

[Porridgeoat]

Take your leave a different week, it’s easy enough. He can camp for 3 nights, enjoy himself. I’d question if the dogs right for you considering you need one person babysitting the dog so you can make a phone call. Seems weird and not workable

[Scrapper142]

The dogs, your work, his trip, the thread title are a complete misdirect.



He's going on the trip because he knows you'll still be there when he comes back. Or he's going and doesn't care if you're still there. If he wanted to fight for your marriage he would but he doesn't have to....


He's won. Can still do what he wants, you're the one sat at home thinking I can't leave because of the money. Fuck the money, fuck him. I get the feeling there's other reasons you want to stay married, I'm sure he knows them too. I'm sure he relying on them to fuck about without consequence.



Lads holidays are the perfect opportunity for cheats to cheat. So that's three opportunities, do you trust him not to cheat?



I'm sure he's banking on you to bury any doubt and smile and carry on. Stay married because that's what we meant to do. It seems like you're carrying the guilt of ending a marriage because of his cheating. Perfect for him

[Watdafark]

He sounds like a total bellwhiff, get rid.

[ChangeOfNameNeeded07]

Just imagine if you had children

[StoppinBy]

Get the dogs some pigs trotters or bones etc, take them for a good walk then settle them down with their treats.

I think you are being unreasonable. You don't have kids so 3 nights is not a long time.

I think you need to invest in a couples counselor and figure yourselves out, this shouldn't be as big a deal as it is.

I do see why you are upset about the time you have taken off but it wasn't intentional on his behalf.

[BitOfFun]

Is this a reverse? Why would you want him to curtail a short break with friends? Heck, he might even miss you!