To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[thepeopleversuswork]

I have to say my view is when people get to the point of saying they want to "work on us" there is no us. If being a couple becomes so difficult it requires a conscious effort which involves severing one another from friends and policing social behaviour its not serving either of you very well.

I think the additional night away is a bit of a red herring. You sounds thoroughly unhappy and it is probably better for everyone if you cut your loses and walk. For what its worth I think you're being melodramatic about this additional night and should let that go. But its quite clear that this relationship isn't bringing either of you much joy.

[maddy68]

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

[lyralalala]

@Bluntness100

And I don’t agree that him going Away means you’re not his priority. He is allowed a life outside his marriage.

So if you and your other half made plans and you took time off work for those plans, you'd be ok if they then announced they'd had a better offer and were going away?

If you would then your standards are bloody low because basic manners is that when you've made plans you don't drop the person because you get another offer.

[lyralalala]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

How on earth is it "high maintenance" to be pissed off that the plans they made, and took annual leave for, have now been ditched for his mates?

You have incredibly low standards if it's ok for your partner to treat you like that

[Nanny0gg]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

RTFT might give you a clue

[lyralalala]

So many disingenuous people on this thread pretending that if they booked time off work and made plans with their partner, then their partner said "Sorry love, got a better offer" they'd be absolutely fine with that and the OP is being OTT objecting to that.

Not a chance. Even without the cheating that is not ok.

[JuanNil]

@maddy68 if you're comfortable with your partner cheating on you and doing nothing to fix it, that's your prerogative. Other people don't all want to live like that, even if you think that's high maintenance, at least they have less risk of catching STDs

[HowFastIsTooFast]

Skipped over the last few pages but from what I see on the first few, may I suggest he goes camping, takes the dog with him, you change the locks and leave his stuff on the driveway while he's away.

Job done.

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

YABU

[CalmdownJanet]

Forget camping, he cheated, you don't have kids, run run run as fast as you can

[Zhampagne]

[quote janeyca]@Ellisandra the only reason I havent is we are married and just bought a new house that will lose a lot of money if it was sold, so I'm trying to figure out my way[/quote]
These aren’t reasons to fight for a marriage. Keep your leave and use it to get legal advice on protecting your interest in the house.

[Jocasta2018]

Let him head off with his mates.
Keep your leave.
Start sorting out paperwork, etc to split up - you'll be able to get a handle on the marital financial details far easier without him in the house.

[doityourselfnow]

@maddy68

To "TELL" partner to do anything is completely unreasonable

Time with friends is important. You sound extremely high maintenance to me obviously I don't know what's gone on in your relationship but if you feel the need to be together all the time in order to have a successful relationship I would suggest it's doomed

Try reading the thread? Fidelity is also pretty important to a successful relationship! It's also a good source of doom!

OP LTB, you can do better!

[eatsleepread]

Sorry about the cheating, OP. I didn't know about that at first. Let's just say I know how it feels!
Just get out. You don't even have the bind of kids (not only a tie, but they can also ramp up the misery level in an already bad relationship ). Hope you're ok and good luck