To tell DP he can't see his friends?

[janeyca]

DP and I have had very bad relationship problems lately, LTB-esque and we are trying to work on them. At the same time his friends messaged saying they want to see each other / have a holiday. These friends go away usually every year for a weekend city break abroad - this year that didn't happen obviously. They've instead got 2 planned for next year.

The friends said to go camping. After originally being upset about this as it is time we agreed to work on "us" I let it go. We agreed to 1 night, 2 days away in UK.

His friends messaged today and want 3 nights. DP originally thought it was 2 and would make an excuse to come home. That now feels very awkward and we will definitely argue about the amount of time he's away for.

We don't have kids but do have 2 dogs- 1 very new rescue that is very loud and I have to work from home during this time which causes me stress and annoyance as I need to concentrate. He's a teacher and hasn't done much (he's even said!) since March.

AIBU to stick to the 1 night/2 days? Part of the agreement was that he shows me that we don't end up arguing over it as a sign of improvement as usually he will agree to something but when his friends want to change the plan, going against what is agreed, he kicks up a fuss until I compromise.

[Ellisandra]

Your calls weren’t that important if you’d booked time off work 🤷🏻‍♀️

Get a dog walker to take them out during the important call.

Who actually wanted these dogs?

How often does he go away?

Was there a reason you were “spending time together” right on these days?

I get that if you have problems and commit to spend time together it’s poor form to then ditch it... but if it would be hard to propose a different trip with mates, and you can delay your time off - what’s the harm?

You don’t mention him pissing off all the time - so you do sound pretty unreasonable, and like you resent him for not having as much work on as you. There’s a lot of that about I think - but it’s not his fault.

[quantumdog]

@2155User

Can already see how this will go.
*@janeyca* won’t believe anyone who says they are BU. Will only listen to posters who say she is write. OP will walk away thinking they’re totally sane,

This.

[janeyca]

I suppose I'm BU. I just felt a bit insulted/hurt that one thing was agreed and it took a lot for me to be ok with it.

I discovered DP's infidelity a month ago, hence the overthinking of these things

[NeedsAdvicePlease11]

So you took time off to spend with him And he is now going away for 3 nights with his freinds. If thats the case yanbu.

[janeyca]

@Ellisandra my job involves important calls every day unless I'm on leave. It's the job, just part and parcel

[user1468538201]

Sounds like you are trying to control him but remember he's not one of your dogs. If a three night break is causing this much strife I'll be surprised if he comes back afterwards. By the way does LTB mean 'looking to buy' or 'leave the bastard/bitch', I really don't know. If it's looking to buy please reconsider because if you're struggling now throwing a property into the mix doesn't seem ideal.

[Ellisandra]

He cheated on you? I’m sorry. Just dump him now - it’s better, really.
You’re actually being totally unreasonable about the trip away... but once someone has shat all over you by cheating, every single time they make no effort for you, it just hits you in the same place - that they’re a selfish arsehole who doesn’t care about you. That’s why you’re so cross. Get rid.

[janeyca]

@user1468538201 leave the bastard... infidelity related and our issues are whether or not we give it another chance or if I'm going to go crazy trying

[TheChiefJo]

Ah, if it's short notice I can understand your irritation a little better, OP. I, and I think a few pp thought this trip was one of the two planned for next year. Still, it isn't a big trip. Ensure you have the opportunity of similar time with your own friends/interests and that he will dedicate some time to you both as a couple too. If you make a thing of this, you'll be unreasonable and further strain your relationship.

[2155User]

Ahhh so now we find out about the infidelity.

OP, just leave him. Neither of you are happy.

[janeyca]

@Ellisandra the only reason I havent is we are married and just bought a new house that will lose a lot of money if it was sold, so I'm trying to figure out my way

[quantumdog]

The cheating is a major drip feed. He didn't care about you when he was fucking someone else, and he doesn't care about you now...his mates are taking priority.

[caringcarer]

If you are falling out when together then a few days apart makes sense. Yabu to try to stop him camping with his mates. If you stop him going what will he be like at home with.you whist wishing he was coming with his mates? Will he sulk or be angry with you? You sound very controlling. You have no kids so he is not leaving you to do everything for two or three kids. I forget the saying but something like you get more from being nice than demanding. If you agree to him going he will come back in a good mood bring nice to you. Whist he is gone have friends around, pamper yourself, go out etc. It is only 3 nights. You are making far too much of this OP.

[Ellisandra]

The dog barking is by the by. You have important calls, he has a job he’ll usually be out of the home with (in school) so you need to find a way to deal with the barking or the calls. Unless it’s his dog, in which case you’ll be getting rid of it with him, if you’ve any sense.

[janeyca]

@quantumdog not really, I explained it was "LTB stuff" - I was being very literal. Just didn't want to make it a thread solely about that which it is becoming.


I am BU regarding the trip. That's what matters right now.

[MNX42]

Your partner wants to go camping for 3 nights and you're freaking out? Good grief, mine has always gone away on his golfing trips with my blessibg, even when our children were small, and we have dogs. Lighten up.

[2155User]

@janeyca

You have no sense.
You need to leave him. You are not happy.

[ButteryPuffin]

But he never gives me the equal opportunity

This is the bit that bothered me. 3 nights away with his friends, ok, as long as you get to do the same. But it sounds like you wouldn't? That's not fair. I would now be saying that's your condition for him going and in that case the whole 3 nights is fine.

Just read your update about the infidelity too. Are you sure this is really a relationship to work on, rather than cutting your losses now? Are you renting or do you own your house?

@user1468538201 it's the second one! Leave..

[dodgeballchamp]

He cheated on you? Why bother even giving him another chance? If you want to stay with him though (which personally I think would be a silly idea as you’ll constantly be wondering what he’s doing and where he is and resenting/not trusting him) you have to let him see his friends. What a horrid and toxic relationship it would be if it continued only on the basis of you controlling his social life.

But on the dogs... YABVU. I live alone and have two dogs, one nervous rescue and one chihuahua prone to destroying things, I cope fine on my own with them...

[BumbleBeee69]

wow... he was unfaithful ... and you're married... well that changes everything ...

So he still lives like he's one of the Lads.. 18 to 30's stuff...

NOPE ... I wouldn't stay OP 🌺

[quantumdog]

Actually I really don't think you are being unreasonable now I know this trip is next week and he's supposed to be working on your relationship after an affair. I think the dogs is a ridiculous excuse, but if you booked time off to spend with him then he should honour that agreement.

[Ellisandra]

“If I’m going to go crazy trying”

Well, you’ve had that answered.

Honestly - put up with cheating, for money?

Buy him out, be bought out, one stays in with a lodger paying the other’s mortgage share, rent it out entirely until you decide what to do... or just sell and lose the money (presumably stamp duty, survey, legal and moving costs?)

Any of those are better than demeaning yourself stating with an arsehole.

[caringcarer]

If DH had an importantporyant phone or conference call he puts dogs in kitchen or garden beforehand. Then he takes call upstairs. Really not hard OP. No excuse at all really.

[Ellisandra]

But you’re not BU about the trip.
I’m making a total U turn after your added info.
Yes, long term, you can’t control him having a social life and the dogs is a shit excuse.
But one month after discovering infidelity? This is when he should be bending over fucking backwards to show you how sorry he is. So yeah - ignoring time you’d agreed to spend together is totally unreasonable.
Divorce the fucker.

[TheChiefJo]

Right, so he's a cheater. That's why I asked if him being away was a cause of the problem. It was. Hence you seem unreasonable. But if you live with a cheater you'll never relax. The situation turns you into a paranoid controller.

If him going away is too stressful (and I understand how it could be) staying with him is a bad idea. You'll turn into something you don't even like.

LTB.

The alternative is a life of paranoid, demanding, controlling and anxiety.