My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

[CathyTre]

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

He’s nearly 20 years old. And it will be w criminal charge. No one died. But that’s from luck not judgment.

A not w!

Hard to see how you are at fault unless you helped him, or he's 14 or something?

Are you his driving instructor?? If not, it’s hardly your fault!

You know he's a grown up don't you? In what way could this possibly be your responsibility?

Well I brought him up. And he was twice the drink drive limit.

Most driving offences are criminal.

Ok calm down what offence, some are minor some are not what's happened

Yes YABU. He's 20, responsible for his own actions.

I think, at 20 years of age, he can own his own criminal actions.

From the way you're talking, you're devastated about his actions, and their potential consequences that only good luck averted, rather than seeking to minimise and deflect. That doesn't sound like a crap parent to me.

If you support him to face the legal consequences of his actions, then that, to me, is a good parent.

I don't generally blame the parents as a blanket thing. Your son is an adult and made his own poor choice. Hopefully he will learn from it.

I understand why you would feel the way you do, but I think at some point you need to let go of your own feeling of responsibility for your child's actions (unless you were egging him on or had modelled this behaviour, which I'm sure you've done neither). So sorry you're going through this. Is he sorry? Do you think he'll learn and does he understand how lucky he has been not to have killed anyone?

He crashed his car, very badly: he is quite injured, his two passengers less so.

I would feel the same, so I understand.

It is a horrible situation. It's not your fault. I think it is shame as much as guilt or would be if I faced the same.

But no one who actually matters and loves you, is going to think badly of you because your son does that. And at least he didn't harm anyone. He is very young and will learn a lesson, with the minimum of harm to others.

That is drinking after 4 pints. It could have been from driving the morning after a heavy night out.

It's happened. Nothing can change that.
What's important is that he does not do it again.

Be there for him and don't blame yourself.

He’s the only one with broken broken bones. They’re all very lucky. I feel relief he’s alive and also fear of the “what ifs” and also quite ashamed of him really.

What's your son's attitude, OP?

Sorry, just read your last post. About him being hurt. Hope all mendable.

Did you drink and drive around him? Model irresponsible driving behaviour? Model irresponsible drinking behaviour? Did you sit him down when he passed his test and talk to him about drink driving?

The degree of guilt you should feel should really depend on the answers to those questions.

I'd be pretty mortified and ashamed if my DS did such a thing. I don't blame you.

I'm sorry op. I'm sure you must feel awful but it was him that did it. Not you. I think a famous couple-daytime presenters daughter did this and then turned her life around. It might be the making of him?

They’re all very lucky

Well not really.

No I’ve never driven a car after drinking.

He’s hurt quite a lot. Head injury, cracked pelvis, broken arm. Passengers thankfully not hurt at all (except minor bruises)

Very few people can look back to when they were 20 and think that some of their actions weren't on the bloody stupid side.

He's done something stupid and being punished for it. Not your fault. All you can do is continue to be mum.

17 year old daughter drives.
She isn’t allowed to drive in the morning if she’s been to a party.
She has instilled in her no drinking or driving EVER
She knows she will lose her hard earnt driving license.

I have done my bit, I trust her to do hers.

Well I did that too. He still did it 🙂