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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

231 replies

CathyTre · 03/08/2020 19:35

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

OP posts:
RandomTree · 03/08/2020 20:07

It's not your fault but I'd feel the same as you OP Sad

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:07

Oh the other consequence of his (not yours) choices and actions are what he's looking at when it comes to getting insurance in the future, and premiums. Make sure he's paying, won't you? And that he knows he'll be paying?

Mischance · 03/08/2020 20:07

It's the testosterone, not you.

My biggest worry when my DDs were teenagers was that some young man, fuelled by his hormones (and drink) and showing off would out them in danger. I could not wait to get them driving themselves.

I hope that your son will be well soon. He will have learned his lesson in a very hard way - but it was his lesson to learn, and it is not your fault..

Bemorechicken · 03/08/2020 20:08

@CathyTre

He’s nearly 20 years old. And it will be w criminal charge. No one died. But that’s from luck not judgment.
He is 20. He needs to own this -don't you dare blame yourself as his mum. Don't you dare. He is responsible. If his friends KNEW he was drunk or over the limit -they also share SOME responsibiliy .If he told them he was fine or felt fine -they do not.

He really needs to own this.

My cousin was a total and utter arsehole and drunk driving on his motobike and wrapped himself around a tree. He broke his pelvis, his ribs, both legs and an arm. I had sympathy for his injuries and his pain but not for what he had done. No one had any sympathy for drink driving. He was 18.
He didn't kill anyone else -but could have done. We didn't have pity. We supported his recovery. We got him help -physio etc. He didn't have a custodial sentence but he was banned from driving for I think a year. That was 30 years ago. He hasn't had a drink since. He doesn't drive either. He now has a professional job -fortunately these were in the days before SM and he managed university etc and recovered with a limp. I love him very much but he did own it.
His parents were not to blame. Only him.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:08

He had two little brothers and he’s said he understands he could have destroyed families with this.

Why the fuck would he think six pints and drive home was a sensible thought??

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:08

Has not had!

OP posts:
Madein1995 · 03/08/2020 20:09

Really hopinh he gets a course at court, because theyll help the 'i didnt think' bit - not making him feel bad, but more helping him understand his own thought processes

PatriciaPerch · 03/08/2020 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:10

He had six pints. He wasn't thinking sensibly.

He does need to learn from this to plan ahead - there needs to be a designated driver, or he needs not to drive, and to get an uber, taxi, or train (or shanks pony) home. Not to take his car, not to take his keys, if he' planning on drinking. Because one becomes two, two becomes four. . .

Bitchinkitchen · 03/08/2020 20:11

@Mischance

It's the testosterone, not you.

My biggest worry when my DDs were teenagers was that some young man, fuelled by his hormones (and drink) and showing off would out them in danger. I could not wait to get them driving themselves.

I hope that your son will be well soon. He will have learned his lesson in a very hard way - but it was his lesson to learn, and it is not your fault..

This is bullshit, I'm sorry, but testosterone is not an excuse for drunk driving! You cannot "boys will be boys" this one!
TheMumblesofMumbledom · 03/08/2020 20:11

I've been where you are Op, I felt the same. But you will move past this and probably feel quite angry with him in a while.

You can't change what happened and all you can hope for is that he's learnt a very, very hard lesson because he's not going to be driving for a goodly while.

Our kids make crap choices, I did at that age, albeit not one that could've killed someone like my little shit could've but you have to move on.

Prepare yourself for local press coverage and the Spotted pages on FB and the like going a bit crazy.

But it's not your fault if you raised him well. He made the decision, not you.

thedancingbear · 03/08/2020 20:12

Also op it must seem as though your world has fallen in but hes not a bad lad by the sound of it.

Sorry, but how the fuck can anyone say that.

Whenever there's a drunk driving thread on here, there's a queue of posters lining up to excuse and minimise. It's worse than 'stupid' (as a few posters have referred to it). It's one stroke of bad luck away from manslaughter.

I've seen how drink drivers devastate families. Every day they kill people's parents, people's children.

itsallgonepw · 03/08/2020 20:12

Happened to my son, no one injured just stopped after a festival . Just over but over enough to be done for it. I refused to pay for legal representation and he had to represent himself. He took full responsibility. Ban and a fine. He’s 23. He’s definitely learnt his lesson. We are very anti drink driving.
A friends parents paid £40k to try and get him off a driving ban. Lesson not learnt .
It was a hard lesson for him.

Madein1995 · 03/08/2020 20:13

OP sadly it can be a case of not thinkinh, thinking that you feel fine, its obly round the corner, its quiet out, rhe police wont be about etc ...

elQuintoConyo · 03/08/2020 20:13

A uni friend told us he'd crashed his car drink driving when he was 18 (21 at time of telling us), his brother was in the backseat with no belt and another friend in the front, luckily both front belted. The brother cracked all sorts and was comotose for a few months, the two in the front luckily had minor cuts and bruises. The car had flipped over twice. His dad took him to see his banged up car in the scrap yard - said it scared the living bejeesus out of him and he never did it again, or anything stupid. He said it made him grow up really fast.

Could you try that with your son?

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:14

Thank you , themumblesofmumbledom.

I love him so very much. I’m also so furious with him. And the “what ifs” are terrifying.

OP posts:
Icantrememebrtheartist · 03/08/2020 20:15

You feel awful because it’s making you question whether you raised him “correctly” and with good morals.

I’m sure you did.

He’s a 20 year old who acted stupidly and on that occasion had very poor judgment. I will probably be blasted for this but he isn’t the first and won’t be the last 20 year old to do it and have the arrogance of youth that all will be ok and he will get away with it.

It isn’t a reflection on you.

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:15

Also, OP, and this is a delicate question, and not one I'd expect you to answer on here - more for you to ponder. Is it possible your son has, or could be on the verge of having, a drinking problem?

CodenameVillanelle · 03/08/2020 20:16

@Mischance

It's the testosterone, not you.

My biggest worry when my DDs were teenagers was that some young man, fuelled by his hormones (and drink) and showing off would out them in danger. I could not wait to get them driving themselves.

I hope that your son will be well soon. He will have learned his lesson in a very hard way - but it was his lesson to learn, and it is not your fault..

Testosterone didn't make him do this Hmm
thedancingbear · 03/08/2020 20:18

'testosterone'

'poor judgement'

'might've still been over from the night before'

FFS. Excuses and minimising. He could've killed someone in your family.

TheMumblesofMumbledom · 03/08/2020 20:18

@mbosnz

Also, OP, and this is a delicate question, and not one I'd expect you to answer on here - more for you to ponder. Is it possible your son has, or could be on the verge of having, a drinking problem?
He's almost 20, lots of adults that age go out and get pissed, don't try to manouvere this into a drink problem angle.
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:18

I don’t think he has a drink problem. I think he behaved totally irresponsibly and like a massive idiot.

I don’t know how I could have stopped this. But I’m his mum. So I wish I could have. I didn’t see this coming.

OP posts:
Madein1995 · 03/08/2020 20:18

thedancingbear i am not minimising the offence, he could have killed someone snd yes he will have consenquences.

But fuck me! Thinking of offenders as bad and needinh to pubished helps no one, no one at all, and certsinly not society. Most programme material i cover involves facilitstors doing a skills prac and then them having a go. Because were sll human beings and all 1 stupid decision away from killing someone.

The reason programmes do thst is to get the buy in, as if probation viewed them all as bad lads being punished no one would listen. And actually indont think of any of my services users as 'bad'. I think of them as human beings whove made some mistskes, which yea are mores serious than mine, but im not bloody perfect. They need some remindinh of consequences and boundaries, and to examine their thibking and help to stop acting impulsively, and knowledge around alcohol and driving - but they DO NOT need demonising. All that serves to do is mske a us and them mentality which is of course the perfect way to approach rehabilitation!

HeronLanyon · 03/08/2020 20:18

Op it’s not your fault. He’s made a serious mistake. Sorry he is injured and the passengers too (less).
Practicals - Has there been any whiff of careless or dangerous driving being the charge or will it be drink drive alone ? Obviously the fact if the accident and with passengers will both make it a more serious matter. His lawyer will be able to make a plea in mitigation for him. It’s often helpful for you to think of anything helpful to say which may not be obvious. Early remorse and guilty plea are important.
I’m at the bar and have represented those who have caused injuries and worse by driving. He might want to write a letter to the parents of the passengers (and the passengers) when things have settled a little. His lawyer will help him with advice etc.
Don’t beat yourself up - it’s a shock. That’s the problem isn’t it after 6 pints you just don’t think.
Hope it turns out ok.

BIWI · 03/08/2020 20:19

@mbosnz

Also, OP, and this is a delicate question, and not one I'd expect you to answer on here - more for you to ponder. Is it possible your son has, or could be on the verge of having, a drinking problem?
Why on earth would you jump to that conclusion?!