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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

231 replies

CathyTre · 03/08/2020 19:35

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 18:47

@thedancingbear.

I know this is terrible, I know how serious it is. But your post is quite difficult to read. It’s like you don’t want him to be rehabilitated, to learn, to think. To do better.

I’m not sure about that. He’s 19. You want him to be unemployed for the next sixty years? Or would it be better he did better? And learnt? Or maybe you’re sorry he’s not dead?

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 18:52

I do take this seriously. Absolutely. I hope I’ve made this clear.

But I’m also not ashamed that I’m glad my son is not dead and I’m also not ashamed that he didn’t kill anyone else and gets another chance. I’m very glad he’s not dead actually.

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 18:53

I hope that made sense. I’m most pleased he didn’t kill anyone. I’m also pleased my son is not dead.

OP posts:
WobblyLondoner · 04/08/2020 18:56

@BluebellsGreenbells

17 year old daughter drives. She isn’t allowed to drive in the morning if she’s been to a party. She has instilled in her no drinking or driving EVER She knows she will lose her hard earnt driving license.

I have done my bit, I trust her to do hers.

Jeez @BluebellsGreenbells, that's helpful how? Don't be so bloody smug.
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 18:59

Well, I don’t actually think he deserves a death sentence, considering he wouldn’t have got one in the U.K. for premeditated murder, but maybe some people think differently.

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:00

And obviously I didn’t encourage drunk driving! I’ve never even had one alcoholic drink and driven a car!

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 04/08/2020 19:02

CathyTre, if it's his only offence, and if he gets a driving ban and a fine rather than custody, then eventually (11 years) it will be filtered from Enhanced DBS returns (although obviously it remains on his record).

After a much shorter period of time it will be considered "spent" in terms of jobs not requiring an Enhanced DBS and will not need to be disclosed.

In any case, it wouldn't necessarily in itself be a bar to employment or education.

As you are clearly aware, the important thing is that he learns from this and there's never a repeat. He's lucky that he has the chance.

CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:02

I also instilled, or thought I had, no drink driving ever. It didn’t work. Clearly. So I failed somewhere with my instilling.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 04/08/2020 19:03

op there will be mitigation. It’s the courts duty to hear from both sides in sentencing. What the facts of the offence were, the aggravating (making more serious) and mitigating factors.
If your son is of precious good character (no previous) the fact that he pleaded guilty and the timing of that, his remorse, his situation can and should and are all taken into account so that he is sentenced properly - acknowledging everything, not minimising anything but seeing the seriousness of the offence and seeing him as an offender.
I’ve only done one case where I did not offer mitigation after a denial and a trial and factually unbelievably distressing and serious.
Don’t think that he shouldn’t have mitigation - he will - the court will require his lawyer to mitigate - only proper and relevant things. Not minimising the offence itself.
Anyway - good luck. Hope it has settled a bit for you. You and he will get through.

CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:17

Thank you. I also gave him a hug earlier. Because I still love him and I’m still glad he’s not dead and he didn’t kill anyone through luck I know.

But I do still love him, very much and I won’t be writing him off so that this is the defining moment of the rest of his life with no hope of rehabilitation.

OP posts:
Bishoprick · 04/08/2020 19:18

OP, ignore dancingbear. There are some good posts on here by people who have been the victims of drunk drivers.

It's so easy to bluster about how other people's children are scum who deserve to be unemployed/dead. However, there isn't a single one of us who hasn't done something thoughtless, stupid, reckless, or (in the case of drunk driving) criminal. We all like to think that our children would "never do X, Y, or Z", but absolutely nothing is impossible, however much we try to make sure that they are decent citizens.

We and our children are mostly fortunate enough to 'get away with it', and are grateful that nobody is seriously harmed. In the case of the OP's son: he did a terrible, terrible thing that could have exploded the lives of numerous people. He's lucky that that wasn't the case, and it sounds as if he's unlikely to do this particular thing again. Which isn't excusing or minimising it.

The OP isn't excusing or minimising, either. She is, like the overwhelming majority of mothers, someone who has tried to be the best parent she can be. And her son has still fouled up. We can be as judgemental as we like, but it really could be any one of us writing her post.

MintyMabel · 04/08/2020 19:18

As soon as we were old enough to drive we were told if we ever got caught drink driving we would be thrown out of the home. It was the only thing we could ever do that would result in that. None of my siblings nor I touch a drop if we are driving.

My dad owned a driving training business. He would have suffered a massive loss in business if any of us were caught.

Cyw2018 · 04/08/2020 19:30

I'm a Paramedic, some years ago I went to a fatal rtc. The cause was a 20 year old driving far far in excess of the national speed limit. The two fatalities were in another car.

I cared for the 20 year old at the scene . He is still in prison as far as I know. I occasionally wonder how he's doing, i doubt he is an inherently 'bad' person, he was just a young lad doing something really really stupid and dangerous. It's very sad when you think about it.

OP I hope your son recovers well and is able to pick his life up as best he can and make better judgements in the future.

CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:33

Well I can’t throw him out of my home as he doesn’t live in it. He may well again soon as he might well lose his job because of this which will again be a deserved consequence - but guess what? I’m such a shit mum and so minimising that if it comes to it, no, I won’t be making him street homeless. I sort of think the court’s punishment (which won’t include hanging or a life sentence) the fine and the driving ban will do whilst I try and help him do better in future.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/08/2020 19:36

You're not a shit Mum.

I'd question anyone that thought that a mother should be anything other than relieved that her son didn't die, neither did his passengers, nor did anybody else, as a result of his colossal, and criminal fuck-up.

I really do think that perhaps you'd be best off hiding this thread. It's not doing you any good.

CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:40

I expect I’ll be called defensive and minimising things now. I’m not. I’m so upset and ashamed of him. But he’s still my son and I love him. And he’s remorseful and admitting guilt and I think a bit in shock. He’s lucky this didn’t turn out worse. I do hope he gets the full consequences of the law. But he’s not evil and I don’t see his wishing him dead helps.

OP posts:
CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:40

*how wishing him dead

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/08/2020 19:43

It doesn't. But there's obviously people in here that find this very triggering, because of their terrible experiences. That's colouring/controlling, their responses.

CathyTre · 04/08/2020 19:46

I think I will hide the thread now.

Thank you for all responses.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/08/2020 19:48

Take care, CathyTre.

HeronLanyon · 04/08/2020 19:49

I think you’ve been brilliant fwiw. Taking it seriously, you have minimised at all, questioning yourself (but hopefully that will sort it itself out pretty quickly - this has nothing to do with you) shocked at your sons actions, there to try to support him etc

HeronLanyon · 04/08/2020 19:50

Not minimised at all, that should read.

MorrisZapp · 04/08/2020 19:53

The sales guy at my work has a spent conviction for drink driving. He drives all over the motorway network to see clients.

Felifox · 04/08/2020 21:53

You must have bern so shocked at your ds being in an accident for which he is responsible. I would tell him that and then not keep dwelling on it.

He has to face going to court and will.no doubt receive some stern words from the judge. He may well have to retake his driving test after the ban so it will be quite punitive for him. If he was out drinking with his mates then they should have encouraged him not to drive. An expensive lesson but thank heavens not serious injuries.

Hope you're getting over the shock OP.

recklessruby · 04/08/2020 21:57

@CathyTre you are NOT a shit mum.
Your son made a stupid decision under the influence of alcohol.
He will be punished by the court.
He is not scum
He does not deserve to be dead.
He is a very young man who has made a terrible mistake and feels dreadful about it.
He will grow up, face the consquences and be a better man for it.
100 % not your fault.
Some people just love to stick the knife in when someone's down.

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