My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

[CathyTre]

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

The worst thing about being a parent to young adults is seeing them make mistakes. It's so hard.

In court this is a mistake - a dreadful one and one which resulted in a criminal offence and will result in him being sentenced.

When someone is twice over the limit the court will definitely not sentence him as if he went out intentionally that night to get drunk and endanger others

Anyone suggesting he did this purposely would be laughed out of court on the account we have.

I’ve never been in a case where anyone drunk has been found to have intended what they did - they are treated as drunk and not in control (mind/body/emotion).

It’s not a defence. Being drunk doesn’t lessen the sentence either.

I feel very sorry for you OP. As his mother, you're bound to feel so much grief right now: pain for his serious injuries, restrospective fears of the "what ifs", shame and guilt on his behalf, and strong conflicting emotions (you love him, he is your son, but he has done something hateful, can you still love him, does loving him mean excusing his behaviour, etc.)

The feelings are all very human, and perfectly understandable. But you did nothing wrong. Feeling guilty and being guilty are completely different things.

As for your son, he is guilty, and he will have to face the law, and pay the price. And he will need (tough?) love and forgiveness to (hopefully) grow from this dreadful experience. Whether you will be ready to offer these is entirely up to you. But in my opinion, there certainly would be nothing shameful in doing so.
Justice will do its job, you will do yours. Your son doesn't need punishing twice. And you don't need to punish yourself at all.

@CathyTre if you are still reading- I know someone who did something similar at the same age. He is now a very responsible, hard working, family man who really did change. You would never know. I hope he realises just how lucky he is, regardless of the outcome. What he does next will be very telling.

Why is it your fault? He has a mind of his own, presumably?

He is at an age where he feels invincible and he had discovered the hard way that he is not. I agree with others that you need to hope this is the wake up call he needed and be thankful that he only injured himself in the process.

@CathyTre

He had two little brothers and he’s said he understands he could have destroyed families with this.

Why the fuck would he think six pints and drive home was a sensible thought??

Because he has a drink problem. The best thing for him to do is to go to AA. AA is not just for people falling down in the gutter it’s for people that alcohol has a negative impact on their life. Sinking six pints then getting behind a wheel sows that alcohol has a negative impact on this young mans life.

I’ve known three deaths from young lads drinking and killing them selves whilst drink driving. One burned to death in the car.

This is the biggest wake up call in his life but what’s even more important is the steps he takes now ensure that never happens again. He has low impulse control on alcohol. He needs to stop.

Do not blame yourself.

I suspect he was egged on by his mates, it happens a lot..

Another thing that happens a lot, is someone being obviously over the limit, their friends trying to tell them so, and make sure they don't drive, and they're perfectly sure they're fine. . .

No-one, except perhaps OP's son and his mates, know what happened in this instance.

If you haven't left the thread OP can I say this is not your fault. 20 is a young adult. You cannot and should not be at his side 24/7 at this age. He did wrong, he s going to pay the price, no car, no licence, ban and fine. He s subdued because he knows he s messed up, he knows he let you down, he wishes more than anything he could turn the clock back but he cant.
My own son was caught drink driving at 18, his father did the same thing but died age 24.
Believe me I warned him over and over about it but at that age they think it happens to other people and they will be fine.
Yes I still love him, yes I felt sick about it.
I still supported him in court (got a 20 month ban, fine and probation).
He s 32 now and very anti drink driving. He wont let anyone get into a car drunk and drive. He wont drink if he s driving. He s a good man, he has truly grown up and is horrified at what he did.
In time your son will be the same.

I got done with drink driving when I was 19, I was twice the legal limit also and I can assure you, it was nothing to do with how my mother raised me, it was through my own selfish lack of judgement, believing I am untouchable when drunk and not thinking of the consequences.

Not your fault at all and hopefully he will learn from it.

That sounds a bit patronising @BluebellsGreenbells your daughter is 17, you are not going to be able to control her driving for the rest of her life. My mum and dad instilled in me the importance of never getting behind the wheel after a drink, I still did it.

It's nothing to do with the parents, it's down to individual choices and the split second decisions they make in the moment with friends and under the influence. There was a lot of conversations my mum and dad had with me and I'm sure they would have felt confident enough to write on a forum that their daughter would never partake in underage sex, drugs, drinking, driving under the influence, but I did.

Don't be so condescending

Gosh after 6 pints he was far over the
limit, he and his friends were idiots together especially him, to drive or let him drive. Not even a morning after heavy night accidental drink drive that was ill judged. Proper full on driving when he knew he was drunk.

However he has several nasty injuries and is in pain, there's been natural consequences and a horrid criminal conviction coming. And a written off car. He was lucky he didn't kill someone.

If he is suitably remorseful and hugely self critical taking full responsibility, about it, then at this time, no matter how ashamed you are of him, I'd say he needs his mum, your endless love and understanding. He needs you taking him to and from police station, pls make sure solicitor knows to insist on breaks and to keep it short for police interview given he has a head injury & pain levels . How bad is his head injury?

It's easy for others to condemn him right now, for everyone to pile on him- and he'll face that in court where the magistrate will dress him down- but I'd try as his mum to be supportive, remind him you all love him no matter what, remind him to take this as a wake up call- a learning opportunity to make better decisions always in the future over important things like this on illegal or dangerous idiotic things- but that you are there for him. Otherwise his only relief will be the other drunk idiots who encouraged him and we know their judgement is shite too.

I worry when young adults make idiotic decisions, which cause huge terrible consequences- with deserved condemnation all round- it can also cause a spiral into severe depressive state.

Please make sure he has you and a few sensible non judging others to listen to him & love him, so he doesn't hit too low a point that he feels he can't get back up from. He clearly has consequences already.

Way down the line, I'd be talking about bus routes and walking in the rain "you damn idiot 😁" if and when in the future he is recovered enough to go out independently, so that it doesn't become the end of the world. It WAS bloody stupid, dangerous and all that but not genocide. He's still your same lovely son, despite this. Ant McPartlins Mum didn't wear a cloth sack when her son (equally condemnable) ) drunk drove and caused a (more minor) accident.

You're not a bad mum, it was his terrible decision to drink drive and he will suffer because of it. There doesn't need to be a complete pile on (unless he starts treating it lightly, then verbally hit him with Mumwrath!)

mbosnz As a mum of a 32 yr old DS and a 22 yr old DS, i've seen and overheard peer pressure on many many occasions thanks.. Your personal knowledge may be different, but that's mine.

@CodenameVillanelle I think that might possibly be the most unhelpful post I've ever read on here.

OP, he is a grown man and he made his own choices. It is not a reflection on you. And alcohol was involved. That would have affected his judgement. It is nothing to do with poor upbringing. The people who got in the car with him also responsible for their own choices. They should have had the sense not to get in the car with with him if he had been driving. If they were good friends, they should have tried to stop him.

Maybe suggest he leaves the car at home when he goes for a night out?

I hope he makes a speedy recovery from his injuries.

[quote Littlemeadow123]@CodenameVillanelle I think that might possibly be the most unhelpful post I've ever read on here.

OP, he is a grown man and he made his own choices. It is not a reflection on you. And alcohol was involved. That would have affected his judgement. It is nothing to do with poor upbringing. The people who got in the car with him also responsible for their own choices. They should have had the sense not to get in the car with with him if he had been driving. If they were good friends, they should have tried to stop him.

Maybe suggest he leaves the car at home when he goes for a night out?

I hope he makes a speedy recovery from his injuries.[/quote]
@Littlemeadow123 excuse me which post???

@Madein1995 I used to do your job many moons ago, and I remember it very fondly. I moved on to BBR/ART/RESOLVE then TVP/SOTP/ISOTP and then into a different part of the system. Unfortunately DIDs is being deselected as an accredited programme, will happen at some point in the next twelve months, lots of courts are already dropping it from sentence guidance. TSP could work just as well if not better (perspectives on my social circle, ABCs, cost and benefits etc) if he meets the OGRs requirement. Some of your posts made me feel happily nostalgic 😊
I've always thought if we delivered something similar but not offence focused, to teenagers, a lot of this kind of stuff could be avoided.

I doubt he’ll drink drive again, given his injuries. Don’t blame yourself!

None of this if your fault.

He has learnt a very tough lesson, one that could effect many things over the coming months, having your licence taken away at 20 is going to make his life tougher, can’t drive his mates around, can’t drive to work, he’s going to rely on others, he’s going to be feeling pretty stupid about what he has done. I doubt he will ever do it again.

Of course you feel angry but also feel relieved that he didn’t lose his life or take anyone else’s, it could have been much worse.

OP, all you can do is guide your children. Your son makes his own decisions, and has to live with the consequences. All you can do is help get him the best legal advice he can afford and be there for him if he needs you.

Oh OP I’m sorry. Must be terribly upsetting for you. Just try and stay positive that no one was too seriously injured and let’s hope this is a very big lesson for him. Drink driving is just so common unfortunately, I can’t fathom it. If I drink, even a spritzer, i will not drive. I think the problem is some people think they feel fine and have a higher threshold for it. He will be devastated too I’m sure and will learn from this.

He’s young. Lots of silly, young men about. He’s responsible for his behaviour. Not you. The important thing now is that he learns from this and doesn’t repeat his mistake. It sounds like he and his mates have been very lucky.

You may not be reading, OP, but if you are: the older my children become, the more I realise that really nice and well brought up young people can do really stupid, dangerous stuff. They simply don't think. Everyone thinks it won't be their child, but I have learnt from lots of experience that it can be anyone's child who does something stupid and dangerous that could have monstrous consequences.

I am not defending drink-driving, btw: I am very militant about it. However, the OP shouldn't blame herself for her son's atrocious decision. Just thank God nobody was killed.

Drink driving, Or Drug driving is bloody dangerous, and your son knows it.
Everyone knows it.
We drum it into our children when they reach driving age, {or before} but if your son was stupid enough to drink and drive, it is down to him..
It risks his life, and the lives of others.
A fine young man was killed locally by two completely awful girls who left him for dead, racing on wrong side of road while bladdered...A neighbour found the lad, and it traumatised him.

A family was robbed of the light of their life.
All because two unrepentant idiots were racing drunk.

Drinking /drug driving is so wrong, but not really your fault.

He needs to just face up to his actions and be thankful no one was killed. My ds aged 18 fell asleep at the wheel of his car momentarily and clipped another car before veering off the road. It gave him such a scare knowing that he could easily have killed himself or the other driver. I went to the scene in the dark and he was in a terrible state thinking that a passing ambulance was going to people he had injured. Fortunately the ambulance was unrelated and no-one had been hurt. We tracked down the other driver through the police and apologised and paid for minor damage. He was lucky he wasn't charged with anything. Looking back I wish we had made him go to the other drivers home and apologise but he was so shaken up. It has been a lesson learned and I'm sure he drives more carefully now.
Is your son remorseful? I hope he learns from it.

Yes, you're absolutely right to be ashamed of him and most certainly angry. How does he feel - that's the main thing. Does he realise he could have killed other people or himself? Is he ashamed, mortified and absolutely distraught - no, then you have a problem.