Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

231 replies

CathyTre · 03/08/2020 19:35

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

OP posts:
CaptainNelson · 03/08/2020 22:27

OP, although legally your son is an adult, as many PPs have said, biologically his brain is not yet fully adult. The adolescent brain continues to develop until 23-25 years old. So the choices your son made are still affected by the different physiology of his brain and the increased tendency to risk take and to be influenced by his peers. To all the PPs saying that their 1X year old wouldn't do this, I'd say, you don't know till it happens.
Don't take it to heart. It was very stupid, and your son will, I'm sure, have learnt his lesson. But don't feel guilty or responsible.

Pixxie7 · 03/08/2020 22:32

Don’t beat yourself up, hopefully he will learn from this. All drivers know they mustn’t drink and drive his responsibility not yours.

1Morewineplease · 03/08/2020 22:35

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

I don't generally blame the parents as a blanket thing. Your son is an adult and made his own poor choice. Hopefully he will learn from it.

I understand why you would feel the way you do, but I think at some point you need to let go of your own feeling of responsibility for your child's actions (unless you were egging him on or had modelled this behaviour, which I'm sure you've done neither). So sorry you're going through this. Is he sorry? Do you think he'll learn and does he understand how lucky he has been not to have killed anyone?

I agree with this entirely. Please don’t beat yourself up about this.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/08/2020 22:52

Thank god no one was killed, including your son. I hope he recovers from his injuries and never does anything so stupid again. You have nothing to blame yourself for, OP.

Sparticuscaticus · 03/08/2020 22:54

@Bishoprick

You may not be reading, OP, but if you are: the older my children become, the more I realise that really nice and well brought up young people can do really stupid, dangerous stuff. They simply don't think. Everyone thinks it won't be their child, but I have learnt from lots of experience that it can be anyone's child who does something stupid and dangerous that could have monstrous consequences.

I am not defending drink-driving, btw: I am very militant about it. However, the OP shouldn't blame herself for her son's atrocious decision. Just thank God nobody was killed.

I totally agree with this x
Justaboy · 03/08/2020 22:57

Silly stupid sod and his mates wernt any better letting him do it and not saying anything about it! Still he'll cop it, bet thats a Two year ban and a test retake and the insurance costs to follow.

Least he and the others are alive must be thankfull for that and no one else damaged anywhere.

I thought that this was getting like smoking to be a thing now with younger people not to drink and drive. I have allways told my DD's not to do this and they are very strict about it a few odd times when I've bene called out to run them home if they have had a glass of wine or any doubt and I don't mind doing that but you shoudlnt be ashamed you did your best paid for lessons and he should have been aware of the consequeces which he will be now.

Some have to learn the hard way sad to say:(

Longtalljosie · 03/08/2020 23:01

@CodenameVillanelle I think the PP thought the post you were Hmm at, was you

MrsDrudge · 03/08/2020 23:06

20 year olds believe they are immortal. They also believe bad things only happen to other people. And that “just this once will be okay”, whatever risky behaviour they are engaging in. It doesn’t mean you have been a bad parent, it’s part of growing into a mature adult and realising that risky behaviour has consequences.
It is a horrible experience for your son, his friends and for you. However they have all escaped with their lives and a very difficult lesson has been learned, albeit in such a traumatic way.

It is not your fault at all.

TableFlowerss · 03/08/2020 23:09

It’s not your fault OP.

He’s not a kid. He’s a 20 year old man. Thought he was clever and would get away with it but now he’s been caught he’ll never do that again.

No point in thinking of the what ifs. Thankfully no one was hurt significantly and it will be a brutal lesson that he’ll not repeat- as you say, he could have killed someone then he’d be going to prison.

Lesson learned OP. Not your fault

Ideasplease322 · 03/08/2020 23:30

Have to say I am shocked at the number of people on this thread minimising drink driving.

He hurt people - he could have killed people. He was selfish, reckless and criminal. This is not a youthful mistake.

Op it’s not your fault. You know how serious this is, you drummed into him not to do this. He will be punished by the law. Hopefully he never does anything like this again.

Ideasplease322 · 03/08/2020 23:33

Drink driving isn’t part of growing up. Can people get real here please.

Someone I love was killed by a drunk driver. Some idiot who was too cheap to get a taxi. Someone who was selfish and who destroyed countless lives.

Everyone knows what can happen when they get behind the wheel pissed. Age is no excuse.

Durgasarrow · 03/08/2020 23:34

Many 20 year olds are immature. It is so frustrating, because there is nothing you can do to make them comprehend what their immaturity prevents them from understanding. NOTHING. They can be SO DAMNED STUPID at that age. And yet later, perfectly sensible. Why this is so, I do not know.

Jebediah · 03/08/2020 23:44

Teenagers have all sorts of chemicals washing around their bodies; I think they're probably all certifiably mad tbh, so they'll make shit decisions sometimes. It's a wonder they don't make shit decisions all the times with all those hormones.

1WildTeaParty · 03/08/2020 23:46

Flowers OP - this is very tough! What a miserable and very frightening experience for you.

You are not to blame. He has the freedom to make choices - you don't get to be in control of his experiments. Peers are a much stronger influence than parents at this point in life.

He is 19... and we now know how much brains still have to develop at that age. (Some remarks on here are really daft! He didn't commit a crime out of some evil intent - he was just young and foolish - showing off and not thinking ahead... normal for a teen.)

Don't spend too long on the what-ifs; life is full of them.
This accident could have saved his life as he was 'lucky' (but got a very nasty reminder of why rules matter) and it is likely that he won't be driving until he is actually grown up. It might have saved his friends too: they had an experience to learn from.

I agree about letting him feel the effects and not letting him blame anyone or anything else. Though it does sound as if he is taking it on himself. (Many full-grown adults don't accept their fault like this.)

He is lucky also to have you beside him as he copes with having made a mistake and learning to deal with it.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/08/2020 23:53

I don't blame you feeling angry and stressed it is not your fault.
Echoing others some 20 y.o males have an invisibility complex.
It could have been worse I hope he realises how much worse it could have been.
Although he'll have a C.R he needs to accept responsibility for his actions.
I hope he has a speedy recovery.
Take care OP this stuff is every mother's nightmare. Flowers

ElevenSmiles · 04/08/2020 00:01

Drink drivers are scum no excuses.

1WildTeaParty · 04/08/2020 00:02

Before anyone else leaps in on my lax attitude to the crime here, I am not in any way complacent about drink-driving - for particular reasons. (My cyclist husband was left for dead by a drunk driver and spent many years recovering.)

The OP isn't complacent on this ... and neither is her son.

I have enough to do with teens to see that making bad judgements is part of growing up. They take tablets, not knowing what they are. They climb up loose cliff-faces. They pose on the edge of high buildings. They jump off bridges into shallow water. They hack government institutions. They play with loaded guns.

Experience is sometimes a great teacher... if you live through it.

Thank-goodness he has and no-one was seriously hurt.

LolaSkoda · 04/08/2020 00:05

My husband was killed by an irresponsible dangerous driver. Leaving me and my young children to struggle with what that person did, for the rest of our lives.

I will say this though, throughout the criminal trial the perpetrator showed zero remorse, had his actions minimised by many around him and pled not guilty all the way through because self preservation was his motivation. This is where as his Mother you should ensure that he isn’t swept up in the legal objectives of his lawyers to minimise his sentence.

Saying that the passengers “only had bruises” is minimising what he has done. You need to do better.

Perhaps take a look on the brake website for information on how killing people with your car impacts their families. There’s a great book that they’ve had to write because of people who get in their car with no thought for others like your son called “someone i love has died in a road crash” written for little kids who have to try and understand what has happened to their dead parent.

Perhaps buy him a copy and he can keep it in his new car as a reminder that his shitty actions can have impacts on real adults and children.

I sincerely hope his punishment reflects his actions and he learns from the experience. His next victims may not “only have bruises”.

MrsAvocet · 04/08/2020 00:05

I suffered life changing injuries when I was hit by a car driven by a similarly aged driver a few years ago, though he wasn't drunk so obviously its not exactly the same.
I have very mixed feelings about my assailant- and I do consider that he assaulted me even though that's not what the law would call it. He could have killed me, and had he inflicted the same injuries on me in any other way I am pretty sure he would have been sent to prison, but as it was "only" a driving offence he got off fairly lightly. At the time I was very, very angry. And periodically I still am. But I am angry with the law as much as anything. Actually what I have come to realise that I want is for him to learn from the experience, to realise that things could have been much worse and to become a better driver. Ideally, I'd like him to share that with his friends too. My life has been wrecked, but it wouldn't be any less wrecked if his was too, so I am glad he didn't go to prison or lose his job. I just hope the remorse that he expressed in court was real, and not just a ploy and that he has learned. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I am not sure.
But amongst my mixed up emotions, it has never even occurred to me to blame his parents. In fact it worries me that they might have suffered as I doubt he was able to pay the fine without their help. He was an adult at the time of the incident. So is your son. Parents can show the way and set a good example but ultimately children make their own decisions as they grow. I understand why you are upset and feel ashamed - I would too. But it isn't your fault. It is natural that we feel responsible when our children do something wrong even if they are adults. Or at least it is natural if we are good parents, because crap mums, like you fear that you are, don't actually care when their children commit crimes or hurt people. Crap mums don't feel it is their responsibility. Good mums do. Good mums care about their children, and about other people. Good mums care about what might have happened and don't want it to happen again. Crap mums don't. Good mums search their souls and wonder what else they could have done. Crap mums shrug their shoulders and don't think it is anything to do with them anyway. The most crap mums seem to even be proud of their children'm misdemeanours. I think we can be pretty sure that you are not a crap mum.
There will be unpleasant times ahead I'm afraid, and you may find that people do blame you, and gossip about your family. Nobody would want this to happen in their family. You are entitled to feel angry and upset with your son. But you can be angry, and ashamed, and hate what he has done, whilst still loving him and supporting him to learn from this experience, to become a better driver and a better person as a result. Help him to understand the gravity of the situation and what a narrow escape he has had. You can be tough, but still loving. You can forgive him without condoning his actions. And be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this.

Juliehooligan · 04/08/2020 00:14

It’s not your fault, he knows the dangers of drinking and driving, yet he still chose to do it. You have shown that you are a good mum as you are there for him. Hope your son realises how lucky he is.

Serin · 04/08/2020 00:21

What an arrogant little shit, to think the law doesn't apply to him.
I really hope the hospital run out of painkillers and he feels in agony for a while. It will help him to reflect on what he has done.
It's not your fault though OP.

northprincess · 04/08/2020 00:25

I feel so terribly sad for you all.

L0bstersLass · 04/08/2020 00:36

I was run over by a drunk driver and had 30 stitches in my face.
Your son is scum.
No I won't mind my language.

L0bstersLass · 04/08/2020 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/08/2020 00:40

I can’t believe the other people got in the car with him if they knew he had drunk 6 pints