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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son is about to be charged with a driving offence and I feel like a crap mum.

231 replies

CathyTre · 03/08/2020 19:35

AIBU to feel pretty devastated by this, even though I obviously wasn’t there when he did it. Feel like a really crap parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:19

And I’m not minimising. I feel sick about it.

OP posts:
Madein1995 · 03/08/2020 20:20

Cathy you couldnt have stopped this, all you can do is consider your actions going forward xx

mummabear1967 · 03/08/2020 20:20

@CathyTre

I don’t think he has a drink problem. I think he behaved totally irresponsibly and like a massive idiot.

I don’t know how I could have stopped this. But I’m his mum. So I wish I could have. I didn’t see this coming.

You couldn’t have stopped it. You’re stuck together by glue. He is 20. He can make his own decisions. Unfortunately on this occasion he has made the wrong one and it will cost him a lot of money and he’ll have to give up his driving licence which means he’ll have to resit his driving test in the future plus he’ll find it harder to get insurance and will have to pay more for it.

I hope he learns his lesson

mummabear1967 · 03/08/2020 20:20

Sorry I meant you’re not stuck together by glue!

HavelockVetinari · 03/08/2020 20:21

I'm sorry OP, what a terrifying thing to happen Flowers

On the plus side, he's alive to learn this lesson, he won't be driving again soon, and honestly, as long as he expresses true remorse it shouldn't hinder his career unless he's dead set on the police or intelligence services, or a career where driving is an essential part of it.

Of course you're worried for him, he's your wee boy (even at age 20!).

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 03/08/2020 20:21

I think what you’re feeling is normal. He’s your son, you love him but he’s made a huge mistake. I’d leave my child in no doubt of my disgust at his behaviour. His injuries will heal and hopefully this will have shocked him enough to never do it again.

A family member of mine was killed by a drink driver years ago and the only person anyone blamed was the driver, not his family. This is not a reflection on you.

Flowers for you.

thedancingbear · 03/08/2020 20:22

Madein1995, HeronLanyon - a mistake is leaving the gas on. Driving round with your friends in the car whilst arseholed is a deliberate act.

Stop making excuses. Stop defending drink drivers.

That’s the problem isn’t it after 6 pints you just don’t think.

I've been drunk many, many times. On each occasion I've managed not to nearly kill anyone by driving. Please don't dismiss this as simply thoughtless.

redcarbluecar · 03/08/2020 20:23

Not your fault at all- lots of people take silly risks, however sound their upbringing. He’ll have learned a hard lesson, which may not be a bad thing in the long run. Hope his injuries heal fast.

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:23

Why on earth would you jump to that conclusion?!

I'm not jumping to that conclusion at all, I'm saying it's worth thinking about whether it's a possibility, and maybe having that conversation.

I've got an uncle that almost killed himself God knows how many times, that maybe if someone had had that conversation with him, he might have addressed his issues a lot earlier.

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:24

That’s my point though. That’s why I’m shocked and ashamed. My son did this. No one died because luck. That’s why I’m so upset.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 03/08/2020 20:26

thedancingbear I am definitely not defending drunk drivers. Nothing I said in my post says that nor am I minimising it. I’ve been involved in many cases where death has occurred. I wouldn’t dream of minimising it.
Not sure why you think I did.

sixthtimelucky · 03/08/2020 20:26

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Your son is a (young) adult and made his own very bad decision. Be kind to yourself and him and try to see it as one of life's mistakes that he will hopefully learn from, big time. I'm glad he is ok and his passengers too.

I don't think mbosnz's comments should be dismissed.

ekidmxcl · 03/08/2020 20:26

I don't think you should feel like a crap mum. He knew it was wrong and criminal.

His injuries should actually in the longer term serve as a positive thing. He will truly realise what he has done because he has to suffer, rather than being able to walk away from it unscathed.

Azerothi · 03/08/2020 20:29

How is it a mistake? He drank alcohol in a good amount and then got in his car and drove not only himself but his friends too. Not his mum's fault but I don't see a mistake in what he did.

fairlyplump · 03/08/2020 20:29

Stop feeling guilty, it was nothing to do with you. If you carry on like this your basically giving him a green light to think he is never going to be responsible for his own actions, and instead look to pass the blame to someone else. He clearly is a selfish manboy, to get behind the wheel of a car twice over the legal limit. He could have killed someone

GabsAlot · 03/08/2020 20:30

i thiikk hes a twat its not hormones its not anything else hes stupid and couold have killed someone for al the excusers on here

but not your fault no

Bonkerz · 03/08/2020 20:30

The whole system is a disaster though. I wish police had taken my sons car when he was caught in December. They didn't and he's been driving since then. The delay between offence and charge is a horrid time especially for first time offenders. The reality of what he did and the realisation of how serious it could have been has caused my son to attempt suicide four times.
At 19 he made a bad decision to get behind the wheel. It's not my fault. I don't drink if driving. He knew my rules and he was stupid.

thedancingbear · 03/08/2020 20:31

How is it a mistake? He drank alcohol in a good amount and then got in his car and drove not only himself but his friends too. Not his mum's fault but I don't see a mistake in what he did.

Exactly. It's a calculated risk with others' lives. It's utterly cuntish. Is rape a 'mistake'? What about arson?

fairlyplump · 03/08/2020 20:31

and those saying its a mistake.... how ..... he didn't accidentally drink alcohol, mistakenly get into his car, and accidentally drive. I hope he gets a good punishment.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 03/08/2020 20:34

A mistake is an an act that is wrong. I’d say by that definition drink driving is a mistake.

BoggledBudgie · 03/08/2020 20:34

There’s been an awful lot of “my son/boyfriend/husband is being charged with drink driving” threads lately... Confused

Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:35

Ok. Thanks for all messages, but I think I’m going to leave the thread now. I think I s as clear how seriously I feel about this. But to hear my son compared to a rapist is a bit more than I can handle.

Thank you for responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 03/08/2020 20:36

Sorry, typos

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/08/2020 20:36

Fair enough! Take care of yourself. It is a horrible situation to be in, as a parent.

Jellykat · 03/08/2020 20:39

So sorry Cathy, it's not your fault!
I suspect he was egged on by his mates, it happens a lot.. but he's learnt a very valuable lesson.