To not invite people to lunch if you are not allowing people to use the toilet?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

A friend has invited 4 of us over for a garden lunch next week. We're each to take a bottle of Prosecco and a contribution to the lunch. That is absolutely fine, and I'd have taken drink and food contribution even if not asked. Not an issue. She has however said that she is not allowing people in her home at all, even to use a separate downstairs loo. Now that is of course her right, but then why invite people over to lunch? I need the toilet every hour/ hour and a half or so. This means I will have to drive to her lunch (Id usually walk but it will take me an hour there and back with nopublic toilets on the route) and not drink any of the Prosecco I take, and I won't be able to stay very long. I did say we could all take our own packs of wipes and clean the seat/flush/door handles after ourselves but she isn't comfortable with that. I've offered to host at my house but she wants it at hers (I'm guessing so she can use the toilet and not have to drive) and drink Prosecco....)
Not discussed with others going as don't want to seem like a bitch. I honestly get and respect her reason for not wanting people to use her loo but not sure why you would then invite people to lunch? AIBU?

Looking at the forecast there is a reasonable chance of rain so all this angst may have been for nothing. It won't go ahead if it rains as we need to sit in the garden.

Please op let us know how it goes. I’ve have visions of a few merry ladies weeing in her garden. 😂

Has anyone else replied to you in the group chat?

[quote Andwoooshtheyweregone]@Ginfordinner It is petty to only take one tiny bottle and a straw if you would have otherwise taken a full bottle, it was suggested to prove a point. So yes I think she is being PA.

And in me being petty- no, you get over yourself.[/quote]
If I had been invited to a meal that the host had cooked, and had access to toilet facilities, then taking a whole bottle of wine, even if I was ony going to have half a glass would not be a problem. It would be my way of thanking the host.

If I was going to sit in someone's garden eating the food that I had brought and wasn't allowed to use the toilet then, IMO it isn't rude not to bring a 75cl bottle of wine. Although, if I was driving I would probably take a (large) bottle of elderflower presse or other non alcoholic drink instead.

@Blahblahblah12345

Has anyone else replied to you in the group chat?

Well there has been lots of chat but nothing about toilets! One friend did say she'll also take a small bottle and a straw as she now will also have to drive .... I've since spoken to her privately and said I don't want to be seen as petty or passive aggressive so will take a full bottle, she doesn't agree that it would seem that way. Not sure what she will do on the day but at least I've told her.

There's no way I'd be going. It's not passive aggressive to say 'The no toilet things isn't going to work for me. Let's reschedule for when you feel more comfortable having people over.'

You're allowed to have boundaries

I honestly would take a small bottle, or a posh can of pop. Why on earth would four people take four bottles when I presume three are driving. Just wasteful?

I honestly would take a small bottle, or a posh can of pop. Why on earth would four people take four bottles when I presume three are driving. Just wasteful?

Of course it's not passive aggressive to take a mini bottle. As said, if she were providing everything and you were taking a bottle as a thank you then it should be a full size, but if you're taking your own to drink and a contribution to the food (entirely separately from anything to do with not being able to use the loo) then you just take what you want to drink. If that's a mini in this case, then so be it.
If anyone said anything you could laugh it off - "of course I couldn't bring a full size. Marjorie wouldn't want me to have to go for a widdle behind the rhododendrons".

Please don't let Andwoooshtheyweregone upset you. (Maybe she's the host and was wanting three bottles of prosecco?) A mini bottle and straw is the perfect solution to not using her glasses. I'd also take my own cutlery and plate. If she's going as ridiculously far as to say you can't use her toilet surely she won't want to be in contact with glasses etc?
It definitely sounds as if the host wants free prosecco and to be able to drink because refusing to go to someone elses where everyone will be more comfortable is really off. It's selfish and the first thing you do as a host id prioritise your guests comfort.
Don't take sparkling elderflower....it's gross! Or maybe take it as her punishment?

Thank you all. I've got over my initial annoyance and really for the sake of not wanting to offend anyone, I will take what I would have taken if I weren't driving. Said friend is a little self centred when it comes to looking after her own interests but is in the main a lovely person which is why this was bothering me so much.

Op take a small bottle! Its ridiculous your friend’ asking you too bring booze and foods to hers knowing you will have to drive and will not allow you to use the loo, she will then be left with loads of free booze!
Stop it! Take a small bottle

@WaterOffADucksCrack I’m very much not the friend, I would A) allow people to use my toilet and B) wouldn’t ask anyone to bring alcohol I’m more than happy to provide alcohol and food for my guests.

Mumsnet is really funny with anything to do with alcohol.

Take the small bottle. If she doesn't want to take the chance touching containers for food, your remaining prosecco will be thrown out. Which is wasteful.

@Howyiz

Take the small bottle. If she doesn't want to take the chance touching containers for food, your remaining prosecco will be thrown out. Which is wasteful.

Good point. Just take a small bottle and your own picnic.

She sounds like hard work.

Your friend is being ridiculous. My fiancé was in a house share once where the host only allowed residents/their guests to number one in the downstairs loo and I thought that was batshit (apart from the fact the upstairs loo could be engaged, sometimes people may not be know if they need a number two til they sit on the loo and what if a resident or their guest had IBS, colitis, Crohn’s Disease or bowel cancer and needed urgent loo access?). Needless to say my fiancé did not stay long in that house.
Alcohol is a diuretic, ie. it causes more frequent urination, so the not allowing loo access is instantly flawed. I would decline the visit if I were you.

i dont let anyone into my home, i dont invite them either i must add, but when friends do come to sit on the drive to chat we have a camping loo for emergencies! hidden behind the bins and a screen so that you cant be seen.
i just wondered if that might be a good investment for your group if this was going to be a regular get together? we got ours before lockdown and it lived in the back of the car for visits to the forest. its a festival loo that has a tank for fresh water and one for waste. we put blue toilet fluid in it to keep it fresh. its easy to empty.
hope that helps

That's odd. Does she have health anxiety issues? I think I'd be letting someone on my loo, before having people for a meal! Decline if you aren't comfortable, but perhaps your friend is still thinking it isn't allowed? Bring a camping loo otherwise

I think your friend is going to feel a tad put out when nobody turns up to lunch...

That's insane. Don't go.

Why is that @frambly

Why does there have to be alcohol involved?

If no toilets allowed then just have a cuppa each.

Eek not tea! - for me that's as bad as alcohol

@Chilledchablis

Eek not tea! - for me that's as bad as alcohol

It can be a cup of anything but the lack of plural (and alcohol) is the point.

You get together, have a chat, finish your drink and go. You're limited in time anyway because of no toilets.

If it has to be alcohol then go to a pub/sit in a beer garden if toilets at home are an issue for the host.

@frambly

i dont let anyone into my home, i dont invite them either i must add, but when friends do come to sit on the drive to chat we have a camping loo for emergencies! hidden behind the bins and a screen so that you cant be seen. i just wondered if that might be a good investment for your group if this was going to be a regular get together? we got ours before lockdown and it lived in the back of the car for visits to the forest. its a festival loo that has a tank for fresh water and one for waste. we put blue toilet fluid in it to keep it fresh. its easy to empty. hope that helps

I'm sorry but that isn't insane. I wouldn't come and sit on your drive and have to wee behind a screen.