To not invite people to lunch if you are not allowing people to use the toilet?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

A friend has invited 4 of us over for a garden lunch next week. We're each to take a bottle of Prosecco and a contribution to the lunch. That is absolutely fine, and I'd have taken drink and food contribution even if not asked. Not an issue. She has however said that she is not allowing people in her home at all, even to use a separate downstairs loo. Now that is of course her right, but then why invite people over to lunch? I need the toilet every hour/ hour and a half or so. This means I will have to drive to her lunch (Id usually walk but it will take me an hour there and back with nopublic toilets on the route) and not drink any of the Prosecco I take, and I won't be able to stay very long. I did say we could all take our own packs of wipes and clean the seat/flush/door handles after ourselves but she isn't comfortable with that. I've offered to host at my house but she wants it at hers (I'm guessing so she can use the toilet and not have to drive) and drink Prosecco....)
Not discussed with others going as don't want to seem like a bitch. I honestly get and respect her reason for not wanting people to use her loo but not sure why you would then invite people to lunch? AIBU?

She is being absolutely ridiculous !

I wouldn’t go, I get why she’s anxious about people using the toilet, but if she won’t let guests go in there, she shouldn’t be inviting people over. Anyone can suddenly need to go. The only real compromises here are unrealistic and aren’t good for self esteem - either pee in the garden or wear adult nappies!

I can see you've already responded but I would have done it a bit differently on the group chat.
"Guys, sorry but I simply can't do a boozy lunch without needing toilet facilities. Am absolutely gutted as was looking forward to it, but would love to drop by and have a quick cuppa and then I can leave as the food comes out and the drinks start to flow but before my bladder starts to grumble. Like I said - gutted to be missing out - so how about a second date round at mine in a fortnight and I'm ok with visitors to my loo. I would love to be involved in a boozy lunch with you all, but without me peeing my pants or being in uncomfortable pain! cheers Jill"

I don't think she's being totally ridiculous as more and more evidence is emerging that smaller water particles carrying the virus can hang suspended in undisturbed air (eg indoors) for several hours. However, the general risk of contracting it with current virus numbers in the population is still really low. If she's this nervous about contracting it at present then perhaps she shouldn't be hosting a lunch party?

I'm on the fence because I know many people who are still shielding and wouldn't allow someone to use their loo either - it's a very real fear for many people and I think we should respect that. My mother (old and obese but not shielding) won't let us inside her house and it really doesn't signify if she's 'allowed to' now - she is too scared to and that's what I'm respecting.

Apols if OP has already said this, but one suggestion you could make would be that her guests wear a fabric face covering to visit the loo so they're not exhaling water droplets onto surfaces? And they can wipe down etc.

@GlomOfNit as I've said previously, I have no issue with anyone not wanting people to use their toilet.. Her house, her rules. What I struggle with is that she won't consider moving the lunch elsewhere (someone else's garden where it is ok to use the loo - I have offered), doesn't seem tk get that we won't enjoy the lunch or be able to stay long enough without a toilet. Before I responded I just wanted other people's opinions so asked MN. I will be going, with my mini bottle of Prosecco.

@onegirlandherdog

Wear an adult nappy? I think your friend is being OTT but a lot of people are grappling with illogical anxieties. People who go on protests and know they wont be able to use a toilet wear adult nappies. Noone would need to know :-)

And yet the host is very clear thinking in her demands of Prosecco and food dishes brought. Definite CF

I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a problem with using your loo if you were to holding the get together at your house. Probably why she wants it at her house.

[quote RockingMyFiftiesNot]@GlomOfNit as I've said previously, I have no issue with anyone not wanting people to use their toilet.. Her house, her rules. What I struggle with is that she won't consider moving the lunch elsewhere (someone else's garden where it is ok to use the loo - I have offered), doesn't seem tk get that we won't enjoy the lunch or be able to stay long enough without a toilet. Before I responded I just wanted other people's opinions so asked MN. I will be going, with my mini bottle of Prosecco. [/quote]
She wants it at her house as she gets to keep the surplus Prosecco that she’s demanded and will be able to drink as she doesn’t have to travel anywhere. All for absolutely no effort on her part as she’s even decreed that you must bring food, Not daft is she?

No Prosecco luncheon is worth wearing a nappy to attend.

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

No Prosecco luncheon is worth wearing a nappy to attend.

I do enjoy Mumsnet sometimes

Don't get me wrong I love a boozy lunch with the girls but not enough to wear a adult nappy .

Not on. Wtf does she expect you to do?

Put of interest, where does one acquire a nappy for grown ups?

Her choice obviously, but she does then have to accept that you may also chose not to go on that basis. I wouldn't.

I imagine the host will be downing a lot more prosecco/cava than the guests lol

Piff in her garden!

Say you can’t come and invite friends to your house the following week with use of toilet facilities. An hour walk each way doesn’t sound much fun either or having to drive. Buy a nice book and enjoy your Prosecco in your garden with cheese and biscuits and relax ...

She’s hoping you’ll all go home early for a wee and leave all the Prosecco for her

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

No Prosecco luncheon is worth wearing a nappy to attend.

Totally agree!

I had some work done in the garden a few days ago and the team doing it were there all day. I have a downstairs loo right next to where they were working, so I cleaned it, put in fresh handsoap and kitchen towel for them to dry their hands hygienically and left it to them to use for the day, before cleaning it again for us to use. I can't see the issue at all with (invited) people using your loo. As for the particles, if you don't need to use it because you've got another loo, there isn't an issue, you can let them subside for 24 hours before you go back in.

If you are too scared to have people use your loo, you're too scared to have people over. So don't.

We did something similar a few weekends ago. I had a separate bin in the bathroom, cleaning wipes, hand san and paper towels for those that didn’t want to use hand towels. Instructions were to take a cleaning wipe and wipe the flush, taps and door handles on their way out. Bin by the exterior door. Toilet cleaned and disinfected after they left.

YANBU.

Just send a message back saying: thanks you the lovely invite but I won't be able to attend as I need the loo every hour, especially if I'm drinking but have a lovely time everyone.

I'm sure your other friends are thinking the same and will follow suit.

You're not being bitchy, that's just the reality of the situation.

Weird YANBU. I've worked through out, had to use toilets in work etc. She needs to get a grip or don't invite people 🤷‍♀️

I would not go as you will not enjoy it. Whilst I totally respect your friends wishes.it is unrealistic for one of you not to use the loo. I would explain you are unable to attend as you WILL need the loo and please could you host as you realise she does not have the same issues with her bladder.
Hopefully, by default she may changer her mind !!
Good luck.

I just don’t see this ‘Dont let others use your toilet’ as relevant

Why would you ask people to your home or garden and not allow them to use the loo ?

Madness !