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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
Suewiththeredford · 27/06/2020 18:58

Cycling?

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 27/06/2020 18:59

It’s cycling right?

TheyDoItOnPurposeLynne · 27/06/2020 18:59

It's cycling isn't it?

WhatdoImean · 27/06/2020 19:00

Golf?

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:00

No not cycling

OP posts:
MaggieTheFrog · 27/06/2020 19:00

Golf? I sympathise, I think you have to be very honest and decide what can you live with and be prepared to go through it. This is no life for you if it carries on like this.

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:00

@WhatdoImean

Golf?
Yep
OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 27/06/2020 19:01

Well, he can be married to his hobby then and you can find a husband who isn’t a selfish arse!

300XLTriColour · 27/06/2020 19:01

No one is going to answer this until you say what the hobby is. (Just make something up if you don’t want to say!!)

Ginfordinner · 27/06/2020 19:01

What is the "hobby"?

Fallsballs · 27/06/2020 19:02

Tennis ?

WingBingo · 27/06/2020 19:02

Cycling?

SerendipitySunshine · 27/06/2020 19:02

Just say what it is. It's really hard to give advice without the full information.

TORDEVAN · 27/06/2020 19:02

Not sure what the hobby is exactly matters

Is it normal for him to be so obsessive about things?

If I were you I would be considering leaving him, what’s the point if he has no time for you / doesn’t know how to balance life.

greentreesdream · 27/06/2020 19:02

It’s difficult isn’t it? I don’t honestly know, is the answer, although I’m sure I’ll get shouted down for that. Obviously when children are involved and one partner is spending all their time on a hobby that is most unfair.

OTOH I have a hobby (not cycling!) and it is a big part of my life and I would be unhappy without it. I don’t expect partners to be involved in it and to be honest prefer it when they aren’t as it’s ‘my’ time. I think restricting it to certain days is perhaps a little - not controlling but a bit like a work schedule which a relationship shouldn’t be.

But if you’ve made plans for tomorrow that actually are plans and not just spending time together then he is being unreasonable.

Sorry, that’s probably not helpful!

SerendipitySunshine · 27/06/2020 19:03

Sorry, cross post. Is he meeting the same friend each time or going to the driving range alone?

300XLTriColour · 27/06/2020 19:03

X post sorry. Bloody golf. Takes hours and hours. But how is he playing so many days a week instead of working?!

Sunnydayshereatlast · 27/06/2020 19:03

Suggest you start lessons...
I could imagine a golf club would make a good weapon of destruction.

We could be alibis.
I hate selfish people..

chopc · 27/06/2020 19:04

My DH plays golf 6 days a week - however he tees off at 0630 so even if he does the full 18 holes, he will be back home by 1030 the latest so it doesn't impinge on family time. His work doesn't have a schedule as such- especially during Covid.

He does this even on a Saturday so by the time the kids wake up, he is at home

Rembrandt · 27/06/2020 19:04

He lies to you about where he is.

He goes back on an agreement to 'only' spend 3 days a week playing golf. (That's still almost half of the week!).

He sulks and accuses you of being controlling.

I personally could not stay married to someone like that.

greentreesdream · 27/06/2020 19:04

You poor love! Grin I know a lot of golf widows!

Coulddowithanap · 27/06/2020 19:05

Why not suggest joining him, if you can't beat them join them! You might like it (sounds pretty boring to me but obviously a lot of people enjoy golf)

gonewiththerain · 27/06/2020 19:05

I was going to guess cycling
I don’t think you’re overreacting and you’ve already had counselling and it’s not made a permanent change.
Are you wanting children? If yes would he leave it all to you?
My DH works long hours which isn’t great but the money is needed, I wouldn’t be forgiving of him spending long hours on a hobby.

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 27/06/2020 19:06

If it's golf, this does not get easier. Playing a round of golf is time consuming and it's the social side too. Sticking around for a few drinks with friends afterwards.

YANBU. My MIL divorced DH's dad over it.

If he truly will not reign it in, I would be rethinking the relationship.

ScrapThatThen · 27/06/2020 19:06

One year in, you have already had counselling and he is talking to you like this? Even if you have dc I think I would be inclined to end it now. This is not your shame, it's his.