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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2020 20:07

What a prick.

You don’t have a happy marriage - don’t waste any more time in denial - get out before children complicate things.

Wilberforce1 · 27/06/2020 20:09

@Doodar

Yes golf clubs are renowned knocking shops. There could be another woman.
My husband just laughed at that and says he barely sees any women at the golf club!

Op my husband is a golfer but we have a good balance, he works hard so I don't begrudge him playing but he won't play both weekend days and will only play a maximum of two evenings in the week. This isn't some law I laid down it's a mutual agreement and because he enjoys being at home with me and the kids. That's not a dig at you either it's just saying that your husband should want to spend time with you, you have only been married a year. I'd be considering staying with him as well.

Institutkarite · 27/06/2020 20:12

I'm sorry op, your marriage appears to be dead, more dead than a dead horse. Please stop flogging your dead marriage.
Leave and walk away, you've been to counselling, he agreed on strategies for you both to manage your mutual expectations. He's lied to you about his obsession, now he's blaming you and being manipulative, by comparing you to other women..
He's using a mental health card to do what he wants when he wants. That's disgraceful and revolting behaviour.
He's quite despicable and if I were in your shoes I would leave as soon as I possibly could.

HavingAMoan · 27/06/2020 20:15

Please don’t have children with him, you’ll be looking after them by yourself. Your marriage is dead, he has chosen golf over you. It shouldn’t be this hard after a year.

Runbitchrun · 27/06/2020 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/06/2020 20:20

This early on in your marriage I would say he is telling you how your life is going to be.

He will capitulate after a chat and make big plans to just go a few times per week but it is just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

It is incredibly rude and disrespectful and a complete lie.

He had no intention of only going 3 tines per week.

At this stage I would call it quits and take the dog and move back to where you have family and friends and then he can play as many rounds of golf as he wants.

Mollymalone123 · 27/06/2020 20:23

I assume you are fairly young-don’t waste anymore of your time with this man.Anyone deserves a better relationship than this.Having counselling in what should still have been the honeymoon period in a marriage spells disaster to me.He sounds selfish and self-absorbed.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/06/2020 20:23

Runbitchrun

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if the hobby is golf or gliding or garage music if some one is doing it for 4-8 hours each day everyday and leaving everything to their spouse/partner then it is unreasonable,

KitchenConfidential · 27/06/2020 20:24

You’re a year in and already in counselling and he’s lied and abandoned you to golf, leaves you with all the housework etc and dumped the dog solely on you.
Well his promises are worth nothing and he doesn’t love you.

Please do NOT get pregnant whatever you do. You’re worth more than this.

morethanafortnight · 27/06/2020 20:27

So not only does he go out all day (sometimes even lying about it) but you end up stuck at home on your own and can't go far for very long because of the dog.

Hmm. Find out what time he is planning to go out tomorrow. Go out before him, and then text him to say that you have decided to stay out for the whole day and he will need to have the dog.

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 20:28

@Runbitchrun

I voted YABU because I’m fed up of reading about a ‘hobby’. No one cares what it is, it isn’t outing, and you reveal it several posts down the line anyway. So just fucking say it in the original post. For that reason, I didn’t even bother to pay attention to your question.
The reason being that I posted about this once before last year, I explained what the hobby was (golf) and got my head bitten off by loads of posters saying you're not meant to say what the actual hobby is!

I don't really care if I say what it is... its golf. Just didn't want to break the rules again

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 27/06/2020 20:29

My grandad used to hide his golf clubs at the top of the garden and jump over the wall when he’d told gran he was tending the veggie patch. They actually had a good marriage as the golf club was a 5 minute walk, he had a good handicap and he didn’t drink and rarely played a full round. He was often back before she’d noticed him missing and he still had time to weed the carrots.

Spending so many hours absent after 1 year of marriage is not engaging in the marriage only you know how you feel about this going forward, but it wont change if you have kids.

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2020 20:29

What's your housing and financial situation OP?

Do you own? Can you disengage easily?

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 20:31

@Mollymalone123

I assume you are fairly young-don’t waste anymore of your time with this man.Anyone deserves a better relationship than this.Having counselling in what should still have been the honeymoon period in a marriage spells disaster to me.He sounds selfish and self-absorbed.
Unfortunately I'm 39... We met each other quite later in life, he's early 40's. Im really worried I'll not get chance to have children with someone else now :( which is devastating, but I fully agree with not having children with my husband. My parents divorced when I was young and I definitely don't want to put children through that. I'm just devastated its ended up like this :(
OP posts:
Mummyshark2018 · 27/06/2020 20:31

Sorry to say it's not looking good if he'd rather play so much golf than be with you, especially being so newly married. My dh played rugby when we met, continued to play until just before we got married (he finished the season). He chose to quit. The reason being it was training two evenings mid week (which as fine) but it was a full day every Saturday to play games, leaving at 8am and not getting back until 6ish (some games were a bit away). Then he would he knackered when he got home and bruised and sore on a Sunday. Weekends were a waste and we couldn't do anything.

Any hobby that takes up that much time isn't going to be compatible with family life so please think hard before you chose to have a child with him.

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 20:34

@Nanny0gg

What's your housing and financial situation OP?

Do you own? Can you disengage easily?

Financially I'm OK, I actually earn more than him. The main issue is we are currently renting. It would be much easier for me to stay and him move out, but I have a feeling he won't want to leave. He'll be too selfish and too lazy to find somewhere else. The thing is, I found the house, I've put all the had work into decorating it and making it nice, he' paid his half for most of the things but its all been my effort in making it a home.
OP posts:
amiascrazyastheysay · 27/06/2020 20:34

I actually went through something similar, and from my perspective it wasn't the hobby that was the issues it was the loneliness. I wish I'd gone out and found my own thing and made my own friends rather than hang onto my ex. It's super hard living away from Family but the more you make time for yourself with like minded people you might actually find he doesn't play golf as much.

Could you volunteer or join a meet up group?

HavingAMoan · 27/06/2020 20:35

Don’t make the mistake in hoping that having children will change his behaviour.

NeutrinoWrangler · 27/06/2020 20:37

Unfortunately, I agree with previous posters that the fact that this has happened so early in the marriage doesn't bode well. You're right that he's essentially cheating on you with golf, when he outright lies about it and puts it above time with you to such an extent.

If you're not satisfied for this to be your whole life (and who would be?), it's time for a serious conversation. An ultimatum. Either he commits to whatever it takes to save the marriage (admitting that his golfing obsession is out of hand, agreeing to cutting back and sticking to it, etc.) or you're out.

I'd tell him specifically that you're feeling less important than his hobby, that you're picking up too much of the slack in housework and caring for the dog, and that you're unwilling to bring a child into such an unbalanced relationship.

If he's unmoved by all that, it will be clear that he doesn't care enough to change. If on the other hand he does love you but simply hasn't realised how truly unhappy you are, an ultimatum should shock him into action. You may still eventually decide you're incompatible, but there's at least a glimmer of hope.

PenelopePitstop49 · 27/06/2020 20:38

Fellow golf widow here. DH is obsessed at the moment as the courses have been closed for so long!

But, our kids are adults now and we work together so the time he spends playing (2 evenings and all day Sunday) doesn't bother me at all. I also have a rule that I don't do any housework while he's playing as I'm not his maid. I won't save meals or change any plans to fit around him - it's his choice to miss out.

My honest reaction - you're flogging a dead horse with this guy. He's a selfish pig, and he always will be.

ECBC · 27/06/2020 20:43

I hate to say it but I would definitely make plans to leave the marriage. He’s not participating in your life together, not prioritising you and only thinking of himself.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/06/2020 20:43

I knew straight away it was golf. I’m in a similar boat!

sunflowersandtulips50 · 27/06/2020 20:44

To be honest you may be happier getting sperm donation. As your DH isnt suddenly going to become a decent patner if you have DC. The more you say the worse he sounds

Turin · 27/06/2020 20:44

What do you think his reaction would be if he came home and you had gone? Left to be with your family? Worry or relief?

I went through something similar but ex was abusive and it broke me. I had fears of shame, starting again and failing. But what gave me strength was that the alternative was better than the loneliness, lies and arguments. I hope you find your happy. Flowers

BrutusMcDogface · 27/06/2020 20:45

Mind you, having just read Penelope’s post above, it’s similar here re: meals. If he isn’t here over dinner, he usually sorts something out for himself.