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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2020 19:07

Move back to live near your family and let him choose between you and golf 🙄

BilboBercow · 27/06/2020 19:08

Yep it shouldn't be this hard one year in. Cut your losses, he'd rather be on the golf course than with you anyway

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:09

@SerendipitySunshine

Sorry, cross post. Is he meeting the same friend each time or going to the driving range alone?
His job is flexible so he either gets up early and goes before work, which I don't really mind, or goes after work. We didn't restrict it to certain days but agreed 3-4 times a week was reasonable, considering it can take anywhere from 4 to 8 hours each time! But since that agreement was made he has lied to me in order to go extra days, then each week tried to make excuses to go on extra days. He is part of a county team so he says he needs to practice a lot, but I know he books in games with people here and there. Im all for hobbies I think they are healthy but this is on another level. He is well and truly obsessed.
OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 27/06/2020 19:09

YANBU at all and I can see how you'd feel very neglected and unloved as he's prioritising his love of golf over his relationship with you. It's extra concerning that you've only been married a year and already had counselling where him reining in his hobby was agreed. He doesn't sound invested in the marriage at all SadAngry
What are you going to do OP?

CluelessBaker · 27/06/2020 19:09

It will never get better, honestly. You’re better cutting your losses and asking for a divorce so you can find someone who wants to spend time with you.

bookmum08 · 27/06/2020 19:10

Find your own hobby and spend your time doing that.

ivykaty44 · 27/06/2020 19:12

It doesn’t matter what the hobby is

The fact he is lying to participate rings big bells
You’ve married and had counselling within short time

If he can’t compromise then move nearer your family ? Quit? Get your own social life - but still see each other?

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:13

@bookmum08

Find your own hobby and spend your time doing that.
My hobby is going to the gym which takes one hour, 3-4 times a week. Whereas his takes unto 8 hours, he's been 5 days this week and now wants to go tomorrow
OP posts:
tinierclanger · 27/06/2020 19:14

Whatever you do, don’t have kids with him. Based on a million threads I’ve read on here.

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:16

We don't have children yet but we're supposed to be trying. But since all this has started up again the time we do have together we are constantly arguing :( feel so unhappy.

OP posts:
FridayNightAtTheBronze · 27/06/2020 19:16

OP based on your update and the fact that you are only one year into this marriage, I would be seeking a divorce, with a view to finding a partner who actually wants a marriage.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/06/2020 19:16

Not sure why people really want to know he hobby, it doesnt make any difference to the issue whether its golf or cycling or re enacting 15th century battles.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Did he agree to the schedule or not. How many hours does he have outside work and other commitments a week and how many does he think is reasonable to spend on his hobby and how many as a couple? I do think it complicates things that you've moved to be near his friends and family as it changes the dynamic and means you don't have as many choices socially but I still think he is being unreasonable if he knows you're upset and instead of coming to a compromise he just lies to you. It is horrible feeling like you're lower on the list of priorities than something like a sport.

If it was me I'd leave him to it for a while and try and get some more interests of my own, which I know is easier said than done in lockdown but once it eases I'd join a sports club or book group or take up running or do an art class or whatever. And actually record what he does when he has free reign. As in how many hours he spends with his hobby vs how many on quality time as a couple. But I'm all about the stats so that approach may not be for everyone but it would show me in black and white over a month how much he would want to see me vs how much he wants to play golf. And if it shows something you're not happy with I'd seriously consider leaving. You've already tried counselling. If that isnt showing him how to see your point of view then I dont know what will...and I woukdnt want someone to spend time with me because I'd begged them or because they felt like they had to so I didnt get upset. I would want to spend time with someone who actively wanted to spend time with me back.

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 27/06/2020 19:17

And do not have kids with this man.

You will be left doing all the work, and he will still be off playing golf.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/06/2020 19:18

Just seen your update. Do NOT have children with him with how things are. You will honestly start to hate him if you are left doing more than your share of childcare because he is doing his hobby

LaurieFairyCake · 27/06/2020 19:19

3 choices I can see:

  1. Leave him
  1. Join him
  1. If you love your job and earn enough to pay for everything then let him do it 9-5 (I know one woman who did this - in her specific set of circumstances she was a consultant and her DH gave up a horribly stressful job close to retirement to play golf)

And agree, do not have children with this selfish twat badger.

He's basically picking golf over a relationship - a relationship isn't exactly nurtured if it's only a few hours a week Hmm

Ginfordinner · 27/06/2020 19:19

It seems pretty pointless being married to this selfish arsehole.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't considering your feelings. As a PP has pointed out if you have needed relationship counselling already it might be time to reconsider if you still want to be married to someone who treats you like a housekeeper.

Ohhaipete · 27/06/2020 19:19

I would leave him. It's not going to get better, you probably can't get him to understand how you feel because he has already decided that he understands how you feel and that your feelings are unreasonable.

He wants to play golf, fair enough. He can play golf, but you don't need accept that as the type of marriage you want.

BananaSpanner · 27/06/2020 19:20

Leave now. Do not have kids, otherwise you will be exhausted as well as resentful.

Marriage should not be this hard after 1 year.

JustC · 27/06/2020 19:20

I'm just going to take a wild guess that you end up doing pretty much all the housework, while he's busy with so many hours of golfing? Because I fail to see how he would have any time left for that between work and so much golf.

Postmanbear · 27/06/2020 19:20

Your DH should want to spend time with you. What are you getting out of this marriage if you never see him?

HopeClearwater · 27/06/2020 19:24

As someone said upfront ... and I grew up with these people ... there are two tings you can do:

  1. Leave him
  2. Take up golf

What would he do if you spent exactly the same number of hours out of the house?

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 19:24

@JustC

I'm just going to take a wild guess that you end up doing pretty much all the housework, while he's busy with so many hours of golfing? Because I fail to see how he would have any time left for that between work and so much golf.
Pretty much :( I work full time also.
OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 27/06/2020 19:24

*things!

backseatcookers · 27/06/2020 19:24

Why on earth would you bring children into this relationship as it stands?!

LaurieFairyCake · 27/06/2020 19:25

Stop doing his share of the housework/shopping/cooking