Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

It doesn't matter what the activity, sport or hobby if it becomes the greater part of your life that you prefer to spend more time doing it than being with your partner then it speaks volumes about what you think of you partner and your relationship together.
It is obviously a contentious issue for you both which despite counselling have been unable to amicably resolve, mainly through his lack sticking to agreed schedules and lying about participating. He obviously does not understand the severity of the aggravation he is causing you or he does not care.
As others have said, a year into marriage I would decide if this is how you would like your relationship to continue to exist. If not tell him to make drastic changes or cut you losses before it becomes a far more complicated situation involving children which will mean you and all other future relationships will require his involvement for childcare and maintenance.
Sorry but I think I'd bunk out now!

@sunflowersandtulips50

To be honest you may be happier getting sperm donation. As your DH isnt suddenly going to become a decent patner if you have DC. The more you say the worse he sounds

I have been considering this. I' 39 now so might be my only chance

Tenancy in joint names?

@sunflowersandtulips50

To be honest you may be happier getting sperm donation. As your DH isnt suddenly going to become a decent patner if you have DC. The more you say the worse he sounds

I have actually been considering this. I'm 39 now so it might be my only chance :(

This is really difficult OP and I sympathise hugely. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He’s working ( but has a wife with good salary) so has lots of leisure time and expects that you will manage the home the dog and any future children. My father was addicted to golf like this and my mum did end up doing all the donkey work and having no time for herself.
He is a poor husband to you and he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He would be a dreadful father if he is unwilling to compromise to put others first.

I am married to a man that loves sport and is very good at it. He cycles and plays golf . The cycling is ok as at least the sessions are 2 hours max and he can train indoors but golf can become all consuming . My DH played very little for the 8 years when we had young kids, and with career commute and kids there was no time for 6 hour golf at the weekend and evenings not an option. Youngest is 4 Now and he is playing again but will play 9 holes at 7 am in the summer.

I think he needs a different hobby/ challenge if he can’t control this addiction. It’s not a hobby for a father of young kids.

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Tenancy in joint names?

Yep, there is only about 3 months left on it, but I don't know if I could bear living together if we break up. I think a clean break is best

8 hours bloody hell I thought DH was bad and he can do a round in 4 hours...
If he plays on a Sunday he has a few pints afterwards but I agree that's fine providing the other weekend day and nights are spent with me/Children.

Sounds grim. He wouldn't spend so much time playing golf if you were important to him.

Cut your losses.

I am working a night shift ; aka Mumsneting! and we booked a babysitter for an hour him to play at 6pm We still argue about it and could both be happier but at least DH has learned to compromise .

Find a lover to fill your time, (only half joking), seriously though OP you have my sympathy as you are only married a year and not spending any time with your DH. My ex used to play a lot of golf, but I loved it as it meant I could get the house to myself, I even sent him on a golf holiday just to get some space, but the difference here is I was at the stage of realising my relationship was over, and didn't enjoy his company, but in your case you should be in the honeymoon phase and I echo what PP have said, dont have children with him.

Do not have children with this man - he will leave you stuck at home with your children at the times when he should be doing his share. Get out now whilst the going is good. Let him be married to his golf.

So sorry op, to meet someone thinking of having a family and then this. I would pack up and head to a family/friend when he is one of golf sessions. Leave the dog with him. He can pay the rent. See how that pans out.

I totally disagree golf means OW. He is obsessed and it won't end

My husband went through an intense love/hate affair with golf. He got obsessed and had no time for me. I am quite happy in my own company and our kids are grown up, however had our kids still been little I would have been extremely lonely and miserable and felt like a single parent. The worse thing was he didn't just leave the golf at the golf course he watched it on line and turned our garden into a putting green. His mood often reflected his performance on the golf course. if he had a bad game he would pull it apart minutely and be sulky and uncommunicative. I don't really like telling people what they can and can't spend their time on but eventually I started going out myself at the weekend alone and with friends to cafes , museums , galleries and shops. He fell out of 'love' with golf as quickly as he fell in 'love' with it. I think it finally dawned on him that he would never be Tiger Woods! So I have my husband back (I still go out at the weekend without him sometimes, but we also go out together too) We can laugh at the golfing phase now but there is something about the game I swear is addictive. My husband now describes the game as 'one big head fuck'. That's my experience.

I have a friend whose father made sure that his open heart surgery was scheduled for Christmas Day, as that's the only day in the year that the local golf courses were closed. He always put golf before his wife and kids. I'd make plans to leave, OP.

are golf clubs really renowned knocking clubs as a pp said on here?

If you had kids he would act the same way as he does with the dog. He's 'only' busy x hours a week. Which means you are the default parent for those x hours, and you can't take the same hours out or you would literally have no family time.

He's in his 40s and selfish. This won't change. Stop doing anything for him whilst you sort out your exit strategy.
It's a shame your time and effort to make a nice home for the two of you has been so unappreciated.

Just read that you both agreed that he would play x times a week and every single week since he has played y times more. I am guessing you've tried to talk to him about it and you're 'controlling' and 'a nag' and don't want him to enjoy his free time? In that case why did he agree to it? How much time does he think is reasonable to spend with his wife per week and how much time does he think its reasonable to leave her to look after the dog by herself?

@LilMissRe

are golf clubs really renowned knocking clubs as a pp said on here?

I was surprised by this as the few I had the misfortune to visit with a previous job didn't let women in the clubhouse 🙄

Doesn't matter what it is, golf, or whatever.

You've made an agreement, it was important to you, and he's being disrespectful of your wishes.

I'm afraid to say that, despite the fact he's your husband, he's not husband material, because he's not willing to work as a team.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Just read that you both agreed that he would play x times a week and every single week since he has played y times more. I am guessing you've tried to talk to him about it and you're 'controlling' and 'a nag' and don't want him to enjoy his free time? In that case why did he agree to it? How much time does he think is reasonable to spend with his wife per week and how much time does he think its reasonable to leave her to look after the dog by herself?

Exactly right. He says I'm trying to stop him having a hobby altogether ...completely unfair and not true..it was me who encouraged him to go back to playing (biggest mistake ever). I feel like agreeing to 3 times a week was more than fair but he can't even stick to that. Then when I said I was upset about him playing together since we had plans, he threw a major strop and sarcastically said 'fine, I'll just not play at all if that's what you want'. Honestly I think its his attitude and behaviour around the golf that's even worse than the excessive time. So manipulative :( The sad thing is he was not like this when we met, he couldn't get enough of me :(

@AriadnesFilament

Well, he can be married to his hobby then and you can find a husband who isn’t a selfish arse!

Yes. This. I'd pack a bag and leave.

*playing 'tomorrow' not 'together'

I think this is so much worse considering his age, he won't change.

I would sit down and tell him this isn't working and that you need to decide what is happening to all the things you bought for the house, who gets what. Tell him he will need a solicitor for when you hand him divorce papers. Show him the reality of where this is heading.

A friend of a friend used a sperm bank to have a baby at 41. She had been married and divorced and never found anyone else. She said it was easier than having to think about co-parenting and only having her child potentially 50% of the time.

Is there a chance you can move back to be nearer your family and friends?

My ex husband was a serious runner 2 hours a day min. Both of us up early him running-every evening for 2-3 hours. Saturday out for 6 hours. Same of Sunday. Behaving like a spoilt toddler if he was asked to look after HIS children etc. When I had children we agreed he would scale it back -it got worse. Much worse. He treated me like crap on the days WE had agreed were family days. Find someone who wants to love you not golf.