Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

@HopeClearwater

As someone said upfront ... and I grew up with these people ... there are two tings you can do:

1. Leave him
2. Take up golf

What would he do if you spent exactly the same number of hours out of the house?

He's asked me to take up golf but I really don't have any interest in it. I went with him once and he didn't have the patience to teach me! I don't see why I should force myself to play a game I don't enjoy just to spend time with my husband. Also I feel that some time apart is healthy..I'd be more than happy if he could just stick to 3 times a week, but he just can't. It's like he's constantly cheating on me with golf.

I totally understand your issue with golf. My husband loves golf too. I think the main issue with it is that it can take at over four hours, depending on who is in front of the group and how many is in the group. It’s hugely social too. Fortunately my husband tends to play first thing in the morning and will be home early afternoon. I think once a week is a reasonable amount of time to play. Three times a week seems very excessive and selfish of him.

Why stay married? Have a link about what you get out of this relationship, would life be easier without him?

@icansmellburningleaves

I totally understand your issue with golf. My husband loves golf too. I think the main issue with it is that it can take at over four hours, depending on who is in front of the group and how many is in the group. It’s hugely social too. Fortunately my husband tends to play first thing in the morning and will be home early afternoon. I think once a week is a reasonable amount of time to play. Three times a week seems very excessive and selfish of him.

I agreed to three times but this week he's already been five! And wants to go tomorrow. Its crazy...yet he thinks I'm crazy

He doesn't love you very much- sorry OP.

So he basically doesn't want to spend any time with you OP? Not good, huh?

I’m assuming you don’t have any DC’s? No parent would be able to speed that amount of time on a hobby. For most new parents hobbies go out of the window.

This isn’t about the hobby, it’s about the lack of care and respect for you. Most people don’t want the person they love to be unhappy.

To be honest I’m a bit addicted to my phone and it does really annoy DH/ offends him I’d rather be online than talking to him. Since he mentioned this to me I make a conscious effort to be on it less and I’ve put certain rules in place to limit the effect on him. Eg phones aren’t allowed in the bedroom at all, ever, and phones can’t be out at any mealtime. We have compromised that I can be on it whilst we’re watching tv as I’m not that fussed about any shows.

He should be looking at a way to fit his hobby into your life in a way that works for you. Sit him down one last time and explain how upset it makes you feel, try to come to an arrangement - e.g. he only plays on x days and you won’t moan at him for those days, but other time is family time and he doesn’t moan about not being able to go on those days.

If he dismisses you or won’t change then I’m really sorry but I don’t see a way forward for you other than splitting - you can’t be left feeling lonely and miserable forever!

If he is playing golf instead of working how will this impact on his job?

He needs a wake up call. There is nothing wrong with playing golf per se, but if it means he never wants to spend any time with you I feel you need to call time on this "marriage".

I don't really think it matters what the hobby is (although I don't understand how anyone could ever marry the type of man who plays golf!), the point is that your husband doesn't want to spend as much time with you as he does doing other things. I'm someone who enjoys time to myself in my marriage but everyone has a line where it's not enough for them. If he's crossing yours, you have to tell him and let him decide. Does he want to make his wife happy and keep his marriage, or just play golf?

I think given everything, I'd end the relationship. If you haven't had children yet then you can't be wasting time hoping he'll change, if you want to meet someone decent to have children with.

Based on other MN threads men like this rarely improve when children come along. He already thinks you should do the housework while working ft while he pisses off to have fun with his friends.

@ConkerGame

This isn’t about the hobby, it’s about the lack of care and respect for you. Most people don’t want the person they love to be unhappy.

To be honest I’m a bit addicted to my phone and it does really annoy DH/ offends him I’d rather be online than talking to him. Since he mentioned this to me I make a conscious effort to be on it less and I’ve put certain rules in place to limit the effect on him. Eg phones aren’t allowed in the bedroom at all, ever, and phones can’t be out at any mealtime. We have compromised that I can be on it whilst we’re watching tv as I’m not that fussed about any shows.

He should be looking at a way to fit his hobby into your life in a way that works for you. Sit him down one last time and explain how upset it makes you feel, try to come to an arrangement - e.g. he only plays on x days and you won’t moan at him for those days, but other time is family time and he doesn’t moan about not being able to go on those days.

If he dismisses you or won’t change then I’m really sorry but I don’t see a way forward for you other than splitting - you can’t be left feeling lonely and miserable forever!

The thing is, we did have that chat and we BOTH agreed he'd play twice during the week and Saturdays, but since we agreed that he's not stuck to it once

Christ, don't tolerate this nonsense OP. Of course hobbies are important but they're not the be-all and end-all of everything.

DH is a bit cycling mad but he only goes a couple of times a week. He also has an indoor trainer that he uses when the weather is really bad. But more importantly, he doesn't prioritise it above everything else! We don't have children and he works full-time while I'm self-employed and work part-time.

We try our best to make sure we have 2-3 evenings a week plus at least half a day together at the weekends. In "normal" times we take the dog for a long walk and have Sunday lunch at the pub - recently that's obviously not been possible so he's been going cycling more often, but now things are opening up and getting back to normal, it will likely revert back to how it was.

Don't stay married to a man who prioritises a hobby over your relationship.

one year into your marriage, your unhappy, exploring counselling, your DH is obsessed with golf and its affecting your relationship but rather than him do something about he makes it look like your being crazy....sorry but thats enough red flags for me. You need to make a decision about what type of future you want. I am not sure what your housing situation is but if i was in your shoes i would be getting a train to my family and getting RL support.

oh and I forgot to add lying into the mix too...get yourself back on contraception

So this is going to sound quite harsh, but he's got himself a free maid while he buggers off to enjoy his hobby. And really, as sexist as it might sound, who the heck prefers golf to having more sexy time, since he's got so much free time. Pls do not consider having children in this dynamic, it will only get worse.

I said earlier to get your own hobby. I have changed my mind. I think you need to divorce him and THEN find your own hobby.

Another issue we have is that when he's constantly out playing golf, I need to be at home for the dog... when we got her we BOTH agreed we'd not leave her home alone for hours on end. So when Im not at work and he's at golf, I feel like I can't go too far..obviously i take her out on long walks but its always alone... I feel as though I'm not even married a lot of the time.

one year into your marriage, your unhappy, exploring counselling, your DH is obsessed with golf and its affecting your relationship but rather than him do something about he makes it look like your being crazy....sorry but thats enough red flags for me. You need to make a decision about what type of future you want. I am not sure what your housing situation is but if i was in your shoes i would be getting a train to my family and getting RL support.

All of this.

OP do not be a passenger in your own life!

You sound so passive, this is happening in your real life and you are in control of your real life.

You married him, you've been married for a year. Relationship dynamics like this (where one person doesn't care if the other is unhappy) don't get better over time they get worse. Add kids to the mix and it gets MUCH worse.

You think this man will be a devoted father who chooses to spend time with his children and develop meaningful relationships with them? Roll his sleeves up and get stuck into parenting? Give you a break when you need it?

Don't be a fool. I can't imagine why you would stay with this man any longer.

Well you either get your own hobby and life or you find a husband that has less of a hobby/life.

I knew it would be golf, my DH & DS are obsessed too. I am quite happy with it, gives me time to spend with my other DS. DH & DS talk about golf all the time too, if they aren’t playing.

Have you tried it OP, I used to play (very badly) before I had the children, not something I would do now as unfortunately I have MS.

3 x a week is a crazy amount that's at least 12 hours a week EXCLUDING travel time.so 18-29

Honestly, take a step back.
You are one year in to marriage you have already had counselling(?!)
He doesn't pull his weight at home
He doesn't care about your happiness
He doesn't listen to you
He cares more about golf than you.

It sounds miserable and I would 100% be considering a trial separation to see if it gives him a wake up call.
I would also be doubling up on contraceptive if you think this is bad try it with a 3 month old, I can almost guarantee he will NOT curb the golf.

LTB

Swap ddog for baby in your last post op..
Ask him where he will be buying a golf buggy to hold a baby +clubs if you have dc..
Seem interested as you have never seen one..
A year in I would call it quits tbh op..
And I say this as a previous golf widow.
Exh spent a fortune.
Exh...

The thing is, we did have that chat and we BOTH agreed he'd play twice during the week and Saturdays, but since we agreed that he's not stuck to it once

I have always managed my relationships through honesty. Time for another chat. Tell him that you both agreed but he's not once stuck to it, that you're now at the point where if he continues playing so often, you will end the marriage. Then you'll very quickly see how committed he is to you.