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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
Livpool · 27/06/2020 19:47

My ex BF played golf. He worked away and as soon as he came back he was off playing again. It drove me mad - it takes over people's lives

TacosTuesday · 27/06/2020 19:47

Golf isn't the issue-your husband is. He's not really engaging with you or showing any interest in spending time together if he's playing it 4-5 hours a day? Given all you've tried, asking, counselling etc I'd be tempted to take all the control issues out of this away 'let' him play as much as he likes - without comment for a set period e.g 6 weeks Act as normal, attempt to make plans with him etc And then decide if his actions work for you and decide your next step from there-because clearly he's happy on how this is all working out for him; stringing you along with promises to cut down, and literally doing that opposite.

Perro · 27/06/2020 19:49

So he’s golfing for 40hrs per week? That’s the equivalent of a full time job Angry
Please don’t get pregnant until your have resolved this, preferably by divorcing him. Because, let’s face it, even if he cuts down he’ll resent you for it, and/or eventually slip back into it for long hours once you have a child.

fuckinghellapeacock · 27/06/2020 19:49

What a cunt.

TacosTuesday · 27/06/2020 19:49

Forget the 'chats' too where you 'both' wring hands and then agree a new way forward. There's only one person that can change the golf - and it isn't you.

cameocat · 27/06/2020 19:51

I think it's time you moved back home and left him. He will either realise he would like to put you first or he won't.

Sorry OP, bloody miserable. Thanks

vanillandhoney · 27/06/2020 19:51

@Lewem

Another issue we have is that when he's constantly out playing golf, I need to be at home for the dog... when we got her we BOTH agreed we'd not leave her home alone for hours on end. So when Im not at work and he's at golf, I feel like I can't go too far..obviously i take her out on long walks but its always alone... I feel as though I'm not even married a lot of the time.
Is this really what you thought marriage would be like?

You deserve so, so much more.

Livpool · 27/06/2020 19:51

I'd leave. All this after just 1 year. Go and find someone better - you are worth more than this

caulioccolii · 27/06/2020 19:51

I agree with other posters- it sounds like he doesn't value his time with you and would rather play golf.
Give him that choice- he can play all the bloody golf he wants , but he'll return to an empty house with no food in the fridge and a Dog that's messed everywhere as he clearly doesn't think these things are effort atall.
Imagine if you have kids, they're screaming, mess everywhere, you're tired. House needs some serious TLC, it's obvious he'll be off to golf and stay out as much as possible.
Don't be a doormat.

Lilybet1980 · 27/06/2020 19:52

Take up golf and get some private lessons. With a really hot coach. 4-5 lessons with hot coach a week should solve the problem one way or the other.

Whatkatyforgottodo · 27/06/2020 19:53

I’m really sorry but I’m my experience either leave him or don’t have children whatever you do! My husband is also a golf fanatic but I didn’t mind pre children as I’m quite an introvert and it gave me time to potter around doing my own thing and he also only played 3/4 times a week in the summer months. However, since having children he has wanted to continue doing this. I’ve gone part time since having kids and his argument is that he needs some time to relax after work. However that leaves me as the sole carer for the kids most of the time and doing almost all the housework! We have talked about it and we try to balance it with me doing stuff on my own as well and he doesn’t do it as much as he used to. He’s fairly reasonable about it though at your husband doesn’t sound reasonable at all. If he doesn’t respect you enough now to abide by the decision you BOTH made, it will only get much worse for you when you have children, ESPECIALLY if he is the primary earner. I’m sorry but I really think you should get out while you can. 💐

Doodar · 27/06/2020 19:54

God forbid he starts playing in matches, that’s your whole summer gone. My DH plays a lot but I like him out of the way so it doesn’t bother me. When the kids were younger he did only play once a week though.

Bluemoooon · 27/06/2020 19:54

Make arrangements to separate from him. Speak to a solicitor, work out how you will share out finances, look at where you or he will move to.
Once you are in a position to mean it tell him you think you should separate so he can dedicate himself to his hobby.
His response should be the decider.

MashedSpud · 27/06/2020 19:55

He doesn’t want to spend time with you. His first love is golf.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s named his dick “driver”.

Whatkatyforgottodo · 27/06/2020 19:56

Sorry, ‘but your husband’ not ‘at your husband’!

Bin85 · 27/06/2020 19:56

Could there be an OW at Golf ?
There was in my neighbour's case.

BobbieDraper · 27/06/2020 19:56

It's not the golf. It's the... alientation really. He's abandoned you.

Leave. Life is just too short. And he isnt going too understand. He's trying to go everyday and he's living to you to do it and he thinks that you're the problem. Leave.

Porridgeoat · 27/06/2020 19:59

Can you both find a hobby you can both share together? Cycling?

Also find some hobbies/friends

Have date nights/days and agree plans together in advance

Ask him to pay for a dog walker a couple of times a week

Tell him you’re missing spending time with him. Review things in 6 months and separate if the balance doesn’t work for you.

NCforthedebtchat · 27/06/2020 19:59

I’m married to a golf professional

Even he doesn’t play 4 times a week.

We went last week, he played with a friend and I walked the dog - fitting in our life not taking it over!

UncleShady · 27/06/2020 20:00

It's over, isn't it. It's not the golf - it's the lying, the leaving everything to do with the house/cleaning/shopping/dog to you, the isolation and you living half a life. Don't have kids, whatever you do. Make plans to move home and hit the ground running. You've been married less than a year - learn and move on.

Doodar · 27/06/2020 20:01

Yes golf clubs are renowned knocking shops. There could be another woman.

VenusClapTrap · 27/06/2020 20:01

He’s like this after one year? Fuck that. Leave and find someone who actually wants to be with you.

MrFaceyRomford · 27/06/2020 20:04

My MIL was a golf widow. She always said if you can't live with it, then you either take up the game yourself or get a divorce.

(She ended up doing both. Ending up with a lower handicap than my FIL didn't help).

Gemma2019 · 27/06/2020 20:05

It will only get worse OP. Wait till he starts wanting the two week golfing holidays in Spain, or playing tournaments in Scotland or abroad. It shouldn't be like this after such a short time of being married - I would really consider cutting your losses and leaving him. You deserve much better.

randomer · 27/06/2020 20:06

I don't get it. Poking a ball into a hole with a stick.