Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Sounds like you are coping really well in the circumstances and have made the best decision for your future. If you can live like flat-mates and stay out of each other's way most of the time then it makes much more sense to stay put until the lease is up, both financially and practically especially when you have pets to consider. You sound like you have your head screwed on Op and I wish you all the best with your plans - hope you find a lovely new home of your own.

Out of interest, is he still playing golf whenever he can or has he stuck to the original agreement?

Wow great update.
And yes, that poster was rude.
And to be honest, no-one here would have judged you if you did give him another chance.
It's your life.
And by the way, you don't 'owe' any of us an update if you don't want to.
It is good to see how well you are doing though.
A house all of your own!
You will love it.
And as a PP said, you can keep in contact with his daughter.
She is old enough to make that decision.
Keep going OP!

Is his daughter old enough to decide to keep in touch with you? Would you like that?

Great update, you're definitely not obliged to keep us in the loop and if you had given him another chance then that's no-one's business but yours

Glad you’re ok. All the best going forward. 🤗

That was a rude comment OP, you're right.

I am glad that you are acting with such clarity and may be able to buy your own property.

I am sure you can maintain a relationship with his DD if she wants it. This is going to sound harsh but her devastation is not your responsibility. And perhaps it might make a golf playing idiot of a father actually put some effort in to their relationship, rather than leaving you to do so.

Just read the thread. You are doing so well. Good luck with everything and belated happy birthday 🥳💐

Super update, your focus and determination are very impressive.

Pls don't rush into a purchase though...getting a room somewhere would give you a breather to determine what you really want.

Please keep in touch. It's so heartening to read stories about women taking control and thriving

@Lewem I apologise for my comment. I didn't mean to be rude, and I wasn't being judgemental, it's just something I've seen happen often, which is a shame, as the poster can still get lots of support if they kept posting.

I do know how hard leaving a marriage is. I suffered DV in my first marriage, and had to spend several months living with him after I told him we were finished.

Anyway, thank you for the update, it sounds like you've got a plan, and I wish you all the best. I agree with the pp that said you can keep in touch with his DD. I hope you're able to keep your relationship with her going, you'll be a good role model.

@Motoko

Very gracious...good for you.

It's only the very few that don't wish the OP's the absolute best👍

Great news OP. And absolutely there is nothing to stop you keeping in contact with your step daughter after you and her father have split up. As PP said, you don't have to leave her, just the douche.

You sound very sensible. Good time to buy a house with reduced stamp duty! It's hard now but think of the future you will be in a much better place. How old is the DD? Well done for taking control.

Just double check with a legal person before you buy a house. If you are still married/not yet divorced when you buy he may have a claim on the house.

[quote Motoko]@Lewem I apologise for my comment. I didn't mean to be rude, and I wasn't being judgemental, it's just something I've seen happen often, which is a shame, as the poster can still get lots of support if they kept posting.

I do know how hard leaving a marriage is. I suffered DV in my first marriage, and had to spend several months living with him after I told him we were finished.

Anyway, thank you for the update, it sounds like you've got a plan, and I wish you all the best. I agree with the pp that said you can keep in touch with his DD. I hope you're able to keep your relationship with her going, you'll be a good role model.[/quote]
@Motoko Apology accepted, thank you! And thank you all so much for the amazing supportive comments. It's not been easy but the longer it goes on as living like flatmates, the easier it is becoming. The only difficult times is when DSD comes to stay as obviously he hasn't told her anything yet..I'm leaving that up to him. We try and be civil and reasonably friendly when she's here. She is 13 so like others have said, she will be able t keep in contact with me if she chooses, however I feel like that is something that would need to come from her but I would certainly be open to it.

To everyone saying how strong I'm being...don't get me wrong...at times I am dying inside! I have moments of such sadness when I think about our wedding and happier times. I have been having my own weekly therapy which has helped enormously and another thing that is really helping is coming clean to more and more friends and family about what has been going on in my marriage. The more I say it out loud the more ridiculous it sounds that I've been putting up with it. I keep imagining it were a friend telling me the same thing and what I would say....LTB!!!

I'm really excited about my future..they do say life begins at 40! I can't remember who but a pp mentioned something about co-parenting...which is a website where you can look up potential people to co-parent with. My next step is to seriously look into that as an option so thanks again whoever recommended that.

I will try and provide an update when there's anything to update! xx

When you pull away emotionally from a relationship, you're amazed at what you put up with, because it became your norm. It's much easier to see things clearly once you're out, and emotionally, you're now out.

I'm glad to hear you're having therapy, that will help you to strengthen your self esteem and boundaries. Your emotions will be all over the place, as you find your new normal, give yourself time and just roll with them.

I wish you all the best with regards finding someone to coparent with. I really hope it works for you.

We'll all celebrate with you when you finally get out!

Readr

You might want to rtft

@Cociabutter yes, you are right, and I have asked MumsnetHQ to pull that comment.

in this exact position..... motorbike.

had a crash three weeks ago, six broken ribs and a punctured lung. bought a new bike and is working on it constantly!!!!!!! days, nights....hasn’t been to bed in maybe two weeks.

shoot me.

wtf has happened

@Readr

🤗

Glad to hear you are well and feeling positive about your future. You deserve so much more than you would ever have had with your current DH. It’s strange when that light bulb moment happens and you really see them for the self absorbed men they are. All that matters to them is THEM! The women in their lives are peripheral. It really is a good thing that you’ve ended it now. I know so many women who have divorced late in life, me included, who have gone on to have wonderful lives. One friend in particular ended her marriage at forty after her DH announced he had changed his mind about children. She then went on to have a daughter via IVF. She’s 15 now, a beautiful, confident and smart girl. They have a lovely relationship. You can do it too. 💐

@Sugartitties

in this exact position..... motorbike.

had a crash three weeks ago, six broken ribs and a punctured lung. bought a new bike and is working on it constantly!!!!!!! days, nights....hasn’t been to bed in maybe two weeks.

shoot me.

wtf has happened

Oh no. What is wrong with them? I wonder if its some sort of mid-life crisis

Lewem how are you getting on now?