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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
RandomGirl · 02/07/2020 22:33

Am so happy for you for going through this challenging day and still coming out of it realising that things have shifted for you. Without being patronising - so proud of you xx

KitchenConfidential · 02/07/2020 23:07

Really proud of you OP. And why Am I not surprised to hear his credit rating is poor? He’s a twat isn’t he?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 02/07/2020 23:14

Your words made me think of this song:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur
I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

Keepwarminthisroom · 02/07/2020 23:35

Good to hear your update OP, you're doing so well xx

Ellie56 · 02/07/2020 23:43

Well it's good he's still going golfing - it means he 's not paying attention to what you're doing, so you have lots of opportunities to sort everything out without him knowing a thing until your'e ready to hit him with it.

What a twat he is. Grin Have you moved your savings yet?

Cchick · 03/07/2020 00:28

Glad to read your update OP. I also recently left my partner who was obsessed with his hobby. Best decision I've made really - you have to put your happiness first. You'll find someone who WANTS to spend their time with you.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2020 01:28

Re the tenancy; I think if he won't agree to leave you should suggest that you both apply for sole tenancy and let the landlord decide. Sounds to me like you'd be a cert.

All in all, I feel like DH somehow thinks things are OK

Well, DUH! C'mon! He bought you some nice things, said 'sorry', and promised to cut back on the golf to 3 times a week!!! Jeez, what more do you want? A thoughtful, considerate husband who puts your marriage first and his hobbies second? Don't be so unreasonable. 🙄🙄🙄

I'd say £1000 is a pretty good price to be rid of him.

Mix56 · 03/07/2020 09:22

So he could have come to collect you from the station, wait, but no, he had at golf.....You could have said, that's good, you can leave me your car tomorrow, as you won't need it.
So he is still in the guest room ? or did he assume he'd done the necessary, & you will get back in your box?

ThanosSavedMe · 03/07/2020 09:41

Sounds like £1,000 would be money well spent. The fact he went off the very next day shows he still doesn’t get it. I’m sure he’ll start off with the 3 days but how long before he slips back onto his old ways. You are so doing the right thing. Good luck to you @Lewem

Perro · 03/07/2020 17:03

Well, he’s really shown you who he is, hasn’t he? He has zero respect for you if he thinks that a few balloons and gifts and his undivided attention for one day will ‘buy you off’. And him going straight back out to golf the next day is the equivalent of pissing on you while he has you under his shoe. Twat.

DuineArBith · 04/07/2020 07:15

You could do the divorce itself without a soiicitor, but you may need one to disentangle finances.

ilikemethewayiam · 04/07/2020 11:43

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

Those lyrics are spot on and probably apply to the majority of women on here who have had that lightbulb moment about their less than satisfactory relationship. It’s quite inspiring!

PaintedBottom · 05/07/2020 07:11

How are things, OP? Flowers

Anordinarymum · 05/07/2020 07:30

Hi, I'm new here. I read this and it touched a chord with me.

I''ve been here. My partner was addicted to a war gaming site and it took over his life completely. He had friends on there and was chatting to them. I thought he was having an affair with one of the women and it caused massive rows.
I gave him an ultimatum - the game or me and it worked for a while until he started up again and then I asked him to leave

This was something which took over our lives for a long time - it was no small thing.

He told me the game was his way of dealing with life. When he was gaming he didn't think about anything else, but eventually after many rows he deleted it from his computer and it's a distant memory.

I think when someone becomes addicted to something - anything, it has to be ended for everyone's sake

Perro · 05/07/2020 17:06

Hope you’re ok?

Straycatblue · 05/07/2020 21:21

Ive just read your thread for the first time & Im so sorry that you're going through all of this. I came to post the link to the "Sunk Cost Fallacy" but I see someone already has and you and your husband have already split.

I hope things are a little easier but more than likely they are not, you are in survival mode at the moment having to live with him and his behaviour alternating between nice and nasty.

Regarding your 40th, i know its already passed but instead of thinking about the day itself, hopefully you can look back and say the year of your 40th is the year you stood up and claimed your life back.

I really hope you are ok Flowers
(but equally don't feel you have to post everything on here, also make sure that if using a shared laptop or if he knows your passwords to phone/laptop/emails etc that you should change them)

backseatcookers · 07/07/2020 16:45

How are you getting on @lewem? Hope you're ok Thanks

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/07/2020 13:07

How are you getting on OP?

CheesyWeez · 08/07/2020 17:51

How are you OP? Brew Flowers

IggyAce · 10/07/2020 09:23

@Lewem I hope you are doing ok.

Motoko · 10/07/2020 09:56

Doesn't look like she's coming back. Wonder if she's given him another chance, and is too embarrassed to tell us?

Original poster
Lewem · 10/07/2020 11:05

@Motoko

Doesn't look like she's coming back. Wonder if she's given him another chance, and is too embarrassed to tell us?
Wow, I'm sorry but I find this so rude. No I haven't given him a second chance, but if I had, I don't feel like its anyones place on here to be so judgemental? Im sure its easy to tell people what to do when you're not in the position yourself.

In actual fact I am still progressing with the divorce. I am saving enough for a deposit to buy my own house and am almost there. Me and DH are still living together at the moment but we have become like flatmates, which is much easier to deal with than being at war. I don't think he believes I'm actually going to go but I've never been so certain. We technically only have two months left on the lease (runs out 4th October) and it was going to cost me too much in wasted money to rent somewhere else or pay the whole lot here on my own, and my mum offered me to stay there temporarily but there's not really room and its too far from work, so if I can just get through this next couple of months I will be in such a better position deposit wise and can buy my own home. Im really excited about it :) I thought about changing jobs but decided its too much to change everything at once. I like my job and I earn great money..why should I lose something I love just because my husband is a douche?

I'm sorry I've not been on updating everyone but been working a lot of over-time lately which helps with avoiding DH. Luckily his daughter is staying for a while so she's at home with the dog. He still leaves her a lot to play golf which is really sad for her but not my problem. One thing that does make things hard is that I have a great relationship with her, we are good friends. She doesn't know any of this is happening yet and she's going to be devastated :(

I want to say a massive thanks again to everyone who took the time to offer me advice, insight and support. It really did help massively xx

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 10/07/2020 11:21

You sound very focussed. I am impressed by your strength

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/07/2020 13:30

"Me and DH are still living together at the moment but we have become like flatmates, which is much easier to deal with than being at war. I don't think he believes I'm actually going to go but I've never been so certain."
Long may his belief continue - as you say, this makes it much easier for you.

"Luckily his daughter is staying for a while so she's at home with the dog. He still leaves her a lot to play golf which is really sad for her but not my problem. One thing that does make things hard is that I have a great relationship with her, we are good friends. She doesn't know any of this is happening yet and she's going to be devastated Sad"
Your relationship with her doesn't need to be via him. Leaving him doesn't mean leaving her, she's a teenager who can say who she wants to be in contact with. And remember; you are modelling good behaviour for her future relationships. Clearly showing her that she doesn't have to put up with crappy behaviour from her future partners. That is a gift a lot of young girls could really do with!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2020 14:42

Living together after announcing you want a divorce must be so difficult. Good on you for being able to carry on in a dignified manner!

Has your solicitor assured you that you'll be able to keep your assets based on a short marriage?

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