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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

180 replies

Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:24

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:26

Another reason is she hates her hair getting tangled so having it short would help that problem, not gonna lie I hate brushing her hair so would be helpful for me too lol

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2020 23:27

I'd remind your husband that he doesn't own your daughter. Being so controlling over a minor haircut is really, really creepy and unacceptable.

drspouse · 18/05/2020 23:28

YANBU at all. My DD is nearly 6 and her short hair means she can mainly do it herself. Unless DH wants to take that over, it's the choice of the child herself and whoever does her hair.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/05/2020 23:28

Her hair is about how she feels, not about how he feels, so YWNBU to tell him to butt out. Does he want her to decide her appearance based on male opinions or on her own opinion and self esteem?

If he likes long hair so much, he can grow his own.

dementedpixie · 18/05/2020 23:28

It's her hair so she gets to choose. It's not as if she's asked for a skinhead! It's only hair, it grows back

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2020 23:29

DD has the shortest hair in her class and loves it.

There are many good reasons to let her do it. The deepest for me is that girls and women constantly get the message that their body is for other people. She wants to do something with her body and a man is telling her she can't. Not a great start.

We always tell DD that her body is for her to make decisions about. Within reason, I do force her to get vaccinations and so on.

If she cuts it and hates it, it'll grow.

0DETTE · 18/05/2020 23:29

Let her have her hair cut.

Speak to the school and insist they deal with the bullying. Ask for a copy of their policy.

Maybe an out of school activity would help her make non school friends and boost her confidence?

foamrolling · 18/05/2020 23:29

I've always found it really odd and controlling when men insist their daughters have long hair. Why would you force your child to look a certain way? What possible harm would it do to allow her to cut her hair? It's not a great message to teach her that girls have to have long hair and look a certain way to please daddy.

Ihaveamind · 18/05/2020 23:29

She is old enough to make her own decisions on her appearance and as you say it will grow back if she doesn't like it.
It's not a tattoo or even highlights! Just tell him shes a girl not a doll and her appearance is her decision.

TheHarryFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 18/05/2020 23:29

Your dh is absolutely wrong. Your dd is not a doll to dress up. Nor is it ok for him to give her the message that her preference is less important than a man loving to see her look a certain way.

My mum and gran were like this over my long hair. It made me really self conscious and scared of experimenting. Nobody should comment on her appearance or teach her to place so much importance on it. A haircut is totally reversible and your dh is out of line.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/05/2020 23:30

He says it's too short for what? Will she be able to keep it off her face when she is doing sport or when it's really hot? If so then he is being really weird about it...does he not know that it will grow back? Also I hope you've told school what's been going on with the name calling, that's horrible

SweetHummingbird · 18/05/2020 23:30

I think you're right to let her decide, at 7 she's definitely old enough to know what she wants and who could tell whether she'll regret it, but if she does you're absolutely right it's just hair and it grows back quickly. Bless her I hope she does get a boost from it and things improve with her classmates, children can be cruel Flowers

Nottherealslimshady · 18/05/2020 23:31

It's not up to your husband to decide what his daughter should look like based on what he likes on her.
I wanted my hair cut short since I was around that age, mum would only go to my shoulders, cut it pixie short when I was 17 and never looked back.

Your hair is part of your identity, no one should decided that for you. If she doesn't like it it'll grow back.

CherryStoneTree · 18/05/2020 23:32

That’s weird, not quite American purity ball weird but it’s on the scale. Let her cut her hair short, she wants to try it, she wants easier hair and doesn’t like it getting tangled.
He should not teach her a man has control over her.

Fucktacula · 18/05/2020 23:32

My mum was always weird about my hair. As a result, I'm in my 30s and it has always been long, and it annoys me when I think about how controlling and manipulative she was about it.

Let your daughter have her hair the way she wants.

Original poster
Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:33

That's been my thought, it's she feels she would be more comfortable with short hair then she's gonna have short hair!

Tbh I don't think he's trying to be controlling I think it's because we now have DS9 months who is growing so fast we can't keep up and it's made us both realise how quickly they are both growing but so he doesn't want to lose that little girl in her so soon which I can understand as I feel the same way (we've had discussions about this) but she's gotta grow up some time.

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 18/05/2020 23:34

Honestly, I'd 100% tell my husband to fuck off. You don't fuck about with a girl's
self esteem at that age.

He gets to decide what his own hair looks like, and that's it.

ploughingthrough · 18/05/2020 23:35

Hes overreacting. Me and DH prefer DDs long hair, but she decided to have it cut into a short bob when she was 7. She looked cute, it grew anyway and now she's back to longer hair. There shouldn't be any 'allowed' about it she's not asking for a Mohican is she.

Whathewhatnow · 18/05/2020 23:39

Ask him why. Why exactly does he object to girls having shorter hair? That will open a can of worms ...

You must let her get her hair cut. Its appalling he thinks he can dictate her appearance.
If you've a boy you may find similar stereoptyped views about short back and sides. So, so old-fashioned and embarrassing!

0DETTE · 18/05/2020 23:39

A chin length bob isnt “ short hair “ .

Short is a pixie cut.

She can still wear hair bands and clips if she likes that sort of thing.

NooneElseIsSingingMySong · 18/05/2020 23:40

DD (6yo at the time) wanted short hair...so I took her to the hairdresser and it was on her shoulders, I said she could go shorter next time if she liked it. Apparently she couldn’t wait and she cut it off with nail scissors! Shock It’s taken a good year to grow that home hair cut out. She hates how long it it’s got in lockdown but it’s curly so there’s no way I’m attempting to cut it. I have hidden the nail scissors!

Ultimately she will resent his controlling behaviour (and may take matters into her own hands!). You’re absolutely right in that it’ll grow out if she hates it, it’s not a permanent thing. I actually like DD’s hair shorter, it’s easier to manage and it looks fab.

PorpentiaScamander · 18/05/2020 23:41

Her hair her choice. My DS' have always been allowed to pick their own style. DS1 had an almost mullet at one point Grin
DS2 asked for things like 'hair like Justin Bieber'
DS2 currently has longer hair than me.

My nieces aren't allowed short hair, and my nephew isn't allowed his long because you know... girls and boys are different Hmm

candycane222 · 18/05/2020 23:41

My parents (well, mum mainly) controlled how I wore my hair at that age (in my case, made me have it cut short). 50 years on, but I haven't forgotten the resentment and humiliation I felt because of their ideas about my hair.

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 18/05/2020 23:42

She is old enough to make this decision for herself and she needs to have control over her own body , especially given the recent knocks to her self- confidence arising from others’ judgements. This is a way of her being herself on her own terms. I had the opposite situation with my own daughter - until she was 10 her hair was never longer than chin- length and she had a pixie - crop when she was in junior school. Now it is long. However, these were her decisions after she started going to school. Moreover, is her father ok with the idea of men controlling women’s appearances? Would he tell you what to wear or how to style your hair? She might hate shorter hair, she’ll probably love it but it’s her choice to make and she needs to feel that she has some power back in her life after the bullying.

Report the bullying to school if it continues after she returns. This sort of thing can trigger eating disorders in young women and any child saying such horrible things to a fellow seven year old needs help to change their ways. Keep having your daughter’s back- you know you aren’t being unreasonable.

Whathewhatnow · 18/05/2020 23:43

It's not about the little girl thing... our posts crossed.
I'd bet your bottom dollar he is shipping g your son off for his first big boy haircut sooner rather than later. What's that all about, if so??

Hair is highly symbolic. That is why so many cultures cover it, shave it, plait it, weave it, dread it.... the list goes on.

Dont let him win on this one ...