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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

180 replies

Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:24

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

OP posts:
WatchoutfortheROUS · 19/05/2020 00:28

@FortunesFave exactly this!!!

StampMc · 19/05/2020 00:29

My friends dad wouldn’t let her have short hair so I shaved it (badly) and we pretended she’d been set upon by a gang of toughs from another school. We were about 12 at the time and were nearly 50 now and she still has shaved hair. I had another friend whose mother insisted that she gave a really short, thick fringe which she hated and cried about a lot and another who had a short pudding bowl style and wasn’t allowed to grow it because long hair was impractical. Absolutely batshit. Fair enough picking a style for a young child who has no opinion but it’s just weird insisting someone has your choice if haircut rather than their own.

TheHarryFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/05/2020 00:29

FWIW my dd had her waist length hair cut into a layered Bob at the age of 6, at her own request, to donate to Little Princess Trust.
She hated it and cried about it being ugly.
She got over it. World didn’t end. It was just hair and it grew back!

IFeelTheNeedTheNeedForSleep · 19/05/2020 00:34

I get the reasons behind the wee girl wanting her hair cut etc and personally I wouldn't have an issue with it but bloody hell, all the name calling of the dad is ott to say the least! Creepy? It's up to her how she has her hair? It's her decision? Eh actually no it's not, last I checked, parents do still have some say in their young children's decisions! My DS is 12 and I still veto l decisions he wants to make. It's called parental responsibility! And how is it creepy? 🙄

CrystalTipped · 19/05/2020 00:35

he doesn't want to lose that little girl in her so soon

But she's not her hair. Nothing about her personality is in her hair - except her wish to have it short. And having a short hairstyle will not make her not a little girl.

And by the way, many of my friends who were denied personal expression as kids ended up reaching for the hair dye and the numbers of piercers and tattoo artists as soon as they were old enough or could borrow someone's ID.

BasiliskStare · 19/05/2020 00:39

Well - apart from anything else - I have never had a daughter but when about your DD's age my friend's daughters had chin length bobs. -It looked fantastic and practical.

And hair only grows one way - so if she does not like it it - it will only get longer.

Other rubbish opinions are available Grin

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/05/2020 00:52

One of DD's friends (15) wanted to cut her long fair hair a few months ago and her Mum wouldn't let her! Shock

DD told me about this in shocked tones and said that her friend really resents it- apparently it's one of several things that this girl isn't allowed to do and DD feels that her friend's going to completely rebel once she turns 18!

This take on the situation might be DD's cunning way of ensuring that I let her style her hair as she wants (!) but I agree that it's their hair, their choice. Your DH is being daft.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 19/05/2020 01:29

YANBU, perfectly OK at 7 to know how you want your hair to look!

Bluewater1 · 19/05/2020 01:30

Her body, her choice

MulticolourMophead · 19/05/2020 01:43

IFeelTheNeedTheNeedForSleep It's about bodily autonomy. My DC chose their hairstyles and clothes from a young age, because unless it's something illegal, I couldn't be bothered to dictate to them. DD wanted pierced ears, so I only waited until I was sure she understood what it was all about.

As for hair, they are the ones who have to live with it, so they make their choices. Both DD and DS have had short and long styles. I had no problem with DS having long hair, I just made sure he tied it back at school for sport, etc.

Parental Responsibility doesn't mean I get to dictate what I want, because part of parenting, IMO, is to enable DC to understand and make their own choices.

stellabelle · 19/05/2020 01:47

If he likes long hair so much, tell him to grow his own.

Cocomobile · 19/05/2020 02:01

It’s not about his intentions. The fact that he is telling her his preferences for her appearance is sending her a clear message; this is my opinion (as a male) on your appearance, and it matters perhaps more than yours. Your appearance should please me”

Whether he intends to or not, this is what he’s telling her.

It’s not ok

HalfOfWhoIUsedToBe · 19/05/2020 02:04

She should definitely be able to have her hair cut however she likes. My daughter has always had really long hair. At 7, if she’d have wanted it cut reasonably short, I would have insisted she did it in stages just because it would have been such a difference and I wouldn’t have wanted her to be upset if she hated it.

Purpleartichoke · 19/05/2020 02:29

I might ask her to wait a week to be sure she is certain, but then take her to get it cut. If it is a dramatic change, I’d consider booking with a better stylist than I might normally choose for a kids cut.

Hair is not the battle to have with your child. She isn’t doing anything permanent or even radical.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2020 02:31

After she had it done there was a stream of haircuts as the confidence and distinction it gave her rolled through the other girls

This happened with DD as well.

Lynda07 · 19/05/2020 02:35

It's up to your daughter how she wants her hair. Men have a thing about girls/women having long hair but she will probably look lovely if she has it cut. If she doesn't like it, it will grow again so why worry.

DamnYankee · 19/05/2020 02:43

@Crumpetsforthequeen

It's not about him being controlling. It's about your DD - having some control. Children have so little control.

Your husband needs to get a grip. He can cut his own hair.

Let her have a boost. And yes, they (we) are growing up. But we always consider the alternative - having lost someone - you don't get older means....?

And she'll

DamnYankee · 19/05/2020 02:44

*And she'll = not helpful

CovidicusRex · 19/05/2020 02:50

Your husband sounds a bit thick. The whole point of being a parent is to push your child to make mistakes in a safe and reassuring environment. Making sure that your children do things they regret is essential to building resilience and good decision making skills. It is the most important job that a parent has.

DamnYankee · 19/05/2020 02:51

I do draw the line at mullets, though.

StoppinBy · 19/05/2020 03:03

I think your husband has copped un unfair amount of flack here.

He knows how much your daughter was teased and he is trying to avoid anything that he conceives might get her teased about something different, you say the teasing has had a lasting effect so he is clearly imagining how shit it would be for her if it happened again.

He is not doing it to keep her 'girlish' or to make her pretty, he is saying this to try and protect her.

That being said, my daughter cut her entire fringe off by herself when she was 6 and changed school about 2 weeks later and despite me being worried about her being teased about her spikey fringe she never was.

She is old enough to make her own decisions on her hair within reason so yes I would let her cut it but don't be so hard on your husband, he clearly loves your little girl and is only trying to protect her.

StoppinBy · 19/05/2020 03:09

P.S My daughter, then 6, gave herself a small hair trim at school, was sent to another classroom as punishment, was teased there, told her teacher who replied 'well of course they are going to tease you if you get sent there' (the kids had called her baby, hounded her about being there etc, both in class and at break time) and then the principal backed the teacher up by saying that the teacher had just been trying to reinforce that my daughter had done the wrong thing.

It's not just your school that has teachers who don't give a rats.

SE13Mummy · 19/05/2020 03:12

You've explained to your DD that 'she doesn't need to change for anyone' so I'd extend that to 'she doesn't need to stay the same for anyone' too. In wanting her to keep her long hair, your DH comes across as someone who thinks appearance is of utmost importance which feels like a rather backwards message to be giving a 7 year old in 2020. If your DD isn't enjoying having tangled hair, understands that it will take months to grow back and still wants a chin-length bob, of course she should get to be the one who makes that decision.

DD2 had just turned eight when she had her hair cut from shoulder-length into a pixie cut. She'd been thinking about it for a while but the deciding factor was the realisation that she wouldn't have to brush it. She asked the hairdresser for a style 'that's a bit like a boy's', the hairdresser double-checked that she really meant it and gave her a fabulous pixie cut. It suited her perfectly and it's been like that for three years now. In that time, she's triggered something of a craze amongst girls at her school and they've gone from having bland, identikit hairstyles to funky bobs, asymmetric bobs and other short styles. We've even been stopped in the street by other mums and daughters, and even a fashion stylist, wanting to know where DD had her hair cut - the hairdresser has had people come in and request a 'DD2' in the same way people used to request a 'Rachel'!

She's recently started growing it out and even though I love short hair on her, I wouldn't impose a style on her. She's enjoying her longer hair at the moment and the novelty of brushing it hasn't worn off yet. Please support your DD with her decision and let her be in charge of her own body.

Goosefoot · 19/05/2020 03:17

Yes, it's better at that age to let her do it.

Sometimes parents get kind of sentimental about a child's hair, it happens with boys hair as well. But that's about the parent, not the child.

He might be right that she will regret it, but everyone occasionally gets a haircut they regret. Since it grows back soon it's not a bad way to learn about regreat and seven is old enough.

Bouledeneige · 19/05/2020 03:39

The job of parent is to enable your child to grow in confidence and help them become independent and that means allowing them choices. She has expressed her choice and she should be allowed to have it cut. Hair grows in any case - its not forever.

Be careful about him wanting her to stay his little girl. This could end up causing no end of problems with a teenager who will want to try make up and different clothes and hang out with boys etc. Daddy doesn't get to tell his little girl how she looks and dresses unless its very extreme/harmful/illegal. Nip it in the bud - you need to assert yourself on your daughter's behalf. You should have set him straight right away. Not his choice. He doesn't rule the roost.