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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

180 replies

Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:24

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 19/05/2020 08:04

She doesn't have to have long hair to 'be a little girl'. Or is it just that he wants her to 'be a little girl' so he gets to control what she does?

My DD3 is 24 and has hair she can sit on. I have shaved sides and very very short top. Hair is just hair (and any man that says a woman has to have long hair to be 'feminine' can fuck right off).

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 19/05/2020 08:07

Let her have it cut. I would point out to your husband that having a man dictate what she should and shouldn’t do with her own body is setting a dangerous precedent and that if it boosts her self esteem then she should have it done.

My DD is 4 and had long thin hair, it was all different lengths and looked really messy. I tried to persuade her to cut it but she wanted to keep her ‘Rapunzel’ hair. I respected her choice.
Since lockdown I’ve been cutting my sons hair and she asked me to cut hers so I took advantage and cut it into a bob. It looks so much better and I’m hoping it lol grow back tidier now.

Megatron · 19/05/2020 08:08

they now hate me at the school as I tend to bring up the bad stuff when everyone else would just roll over and take it.

Can you give some examples?

OP I would be really concerned that your DH thinks he should control how your daughter has her hair. I don't think that's normal at all. DD has waist length hair and decided to get it cut into a short bob. She hated it (it was gorgeous) but it was her choice to make, just like deciding to grow it again. Almost back to her waist now and if I'm honest, I prefer it short, but it's not my decision to make.

Megatron · 19/05/2020 08:10

I’m not saying she shouldn’t be allowed, but I’d want to know it’s because she wanted it - not to appease other people.

Wouldn't she be keeping it long to appease her dad though @Stripeytopgirl?

Original poster
Crumpetsforthequeen · 19/05/2020 08:12

I agree with each and every one of you that she should have body autonomy however I do want to add DH isn't some monster I just don't think he gets women's feelings about their hair and how it can affect them. He grew up with 4 brothers so doesn't get girly stuff (it was a shock for him when DD was born lol)

Also want to add that these conversations with him haven't taken place infront of DD and I did talk to him about it last night and once I'd said about how it would make her feel he understood my reasoning and agreed with me it was the best thing for her, she was over the moon this morning when I told her she could have it done!

We'll have to wait a while as I'm in the shielding group and can't take her but she understands that.

I honestly don't think he was trying to control her and all that implies, in my line of work I know the signs of control and this wasn't it but I now can't wait to have a day with her and get it done.

Thank you all for your opinions they were gratefully received.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 19/05/2020 08:12

YANBU - it's her hair so she should be able to choose (within reason).

A chin length bob will be lovely and a good hairdresser will do a really nice cut on it.

I'm obviously an adult but have had short hair since being a teen. Started with a chin length, graduated bob. Now it's a short cut. I like it -easy to manage and I often get compliments about it.

oooompa · 19/05/2020 08:17

If she wants it cut then absolutely take her, just remind your husband that hair grows!

I'm sorry your DD has experienced bullying in schools, children can be so horrible, but she sounds brilliant.

I used to be weirdly attached to MY DDs long hair, and didn't let her have her first proper haircut until she was nearly 6. Which was really stupid because a) it was her hair, b) when she got it cut short it was so much easier and C) having long hair myself as a child I should have remembered how much I hated my mum brushing it and how much it hurt 😔

DDs hair is ridiculously long now and I'd love her to get it cut much shorter, but now she wants it long (still complains when I have to spend ages brushing all the tats out though)

Iwantacookie · 19/05/2020 08:20

OP my dm was exactly like this I hated it had my hair long enough to sit on. She finally relented and let me have it cut to just below my shoulders when I was about 10 but was very concerned I "stay looking like a girl" HmmConfused
I still dont understand why now and all I get out of dm is "because you had beautiful hair and it didnt need to be shorter"
I started having a pixie crop about 5 years ago and absolutely love it. Wish I had done it years ago.
Dd can do what she likes to her hair & is currently sporting a grade 1 (she did it first day of lockdown so it will be fine when schools return)
I love that she has the confidence to do that, I never could of because my dm would of killed me.

BlueJava · 19/05/2020 08:21

I'd be reminding him it's not irreversible - it'll grow back if she doesn't like it. It's your daughter's choice - why shouldn't she be able to choose a nice style or herself, especially as you and her don't like the tangles! I'd also ask him why he's so controlling over a minor thing like this. Does he have other issues around control?

CurlyEndive · 19/05/2020 08:23

Good outcome OP! I hope your DD loves her new look.

BubblyBarbara · 19/05/2020 08:30

It's her hair so she gets to choose. It's not as if she's asked for a skinhead! It's only hair, it grows back

And if she had asked for a skinhead or buzz cut? Still her hair and her choice and I would assume you’d allow it

zscaler · 19/05/2020 08:30

YANBU. It’d really important to help children develop their sense of bodily autonomy, and giving her control over her hair is an important part of that. She’s absolutely old enough to decide how she wants her own hair, and it’s a bad message to teach her that other people are in control of decisions about her body. Your husband definitely needs to back down on this one.

MsTSwift · 19/05/2020 08:33

Dd aged 10 has a short bob - lots of other girls then followed suit. Love shorter hair on girls see long stringy pointless long hair on so many girls and long to snip it off. So unflattering. Appreciate this is my issue 😁

averythinline · 19/05/2020 08:42

How long is her hair? - if its very long you/DH could put it in a ponytail and then just lop it off .....(although there are probably videos that have a better technique than that!!) that way she will have time to get used to it and if she doesnt like it time for it to grow back a bit..

go for it... glad he could see it from her point of view sometimes people find it hard to reframe things... ...

FlamingoQueen · 19/05/2020 08:47

My niece, 7, had her hair cut to a chin length bob. She loves it. If your dd hates it - that’s the beauty of hair - it grows!
It’s fantastic that she feels confident enough to want her hair cut shorter. Go for it!

Justaboy · 19/05/2020 08:49

Umm .. is the DD7 i.e. one of Seven DD's or is it DD who is 7 years old?

Just is a wondering what the other 6 or more DD's do with their locks!!!

If she were my DD then its her barnet and thats that!!

nettie434 · 19/05/2020 08:49

If he likes long hair so much, he can grow his own.

Grin STDGIsAnEvilWolefGenius!

Agree that it is a bad message to send to a young girl - especially one who has already been bullied about her appearance. It is not even that dramatic a cut.

I agree about mentioning the bullying to the school. Totally off topic, but I'm not too impressed with teaching on healthy eating that results in some of her classmates not understanding that BMI is based on height as well as weight so your DD's weight range will be higher than theirs if she is taller.

SodaSloth · 19/05/2020 08:54

I'd had long wavy golden blonde hair almost long enough to sit on then when I was 11 my mother said I needed to get a haircut before secondary school. She said I had to have the same haircut as a woman who owned the hairdressers called Chris.
I sat in the chair the woman asked how I wanted my hair I said like Chris. Her face was shocked, she pointed Chris out.. My hair was so short I looked like a boy. She told me it was for my own good as there were nits.

Everytime it got shoulder she got it chopped off.

I grew up wanting to please her. It took until 5 years ago for me to stand up to her almost 30 years too late.

What you as parents do affects your DCs

ChurchOfWokeApostate · 19/05/2020 08:55

I don’t understand why some people are so fussy over this, it’s only hair it grows back.

Never understand why people think short hair is more practical than long though. Surely hair that is too short to be pulled back is rife for nits?
I used to let dd have her hair down, she got them once so now she has her hair tied back or plaited, never loose at school.

hellotoday27 · 19/05/2020 08:59

So much more practical at her age so she can learn to manage her own hair.
Your DH being controlling about a completely acceptable hair cut is just wrong.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/05/2020 09:04

I've never heard of a father being so involved in deciding a child's haircut. Even when he's the one cutting it, or taking them to the hairdresser.

Seven isn't a 'little child'. The junior school years are quite different from infants, because the children are suddenly much more grown up and growing up fast. The days for seeing her as a cute little child are over!

guanciale · 19/05/2020 09:04

just saying but a bob cut makes fat people look fatter, so its possible more abuse will come from her mates

nicky7654 · 19/05/2020 09:05

My Grandaughter had long hair nearly down to her bottom and a couple of weeks ago had it cut above her shoulders. She still looks adorable and finds it more manageable. Let her make her own decision and she needs to tell her dad why for him to relate to her.

MissFlite · 19/05/2020 09:06

So glad he saw the light OP! DD has short hair and a few of her classmates have followed suit. DS has hair way past his shoulders; his friends don't seem so keen to emulate though Grin

AJPTaylor · 19/05/2020 09:08

Hopefully by the time she gets back to School in Sept the rest of the class will have grown up both physically and mentally!
My youngest DD is the tallest in her class. At 7 she was easily 6 inches taller than everyone else! (I'm only 5 1). It's only now at 12 others are catching up and she seems to be slowing down. She had her cut short last year and actually it made her look younger!