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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

180 replies

Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:24

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

OP posts:
OneEndStreet · 19/05/2020 03:57

I don't think he's trying to be controlling

he doesn't want to lose that little girl in her so soon

That IS controlling behaviour! He wants to control the ageing process, not good. Teach her that she does not have to do or abstain from doing anything because a man thinks it's his right to dictate.

GrownPersonHere · 19/05/2020 04:23

Your daughter shouldn't cut her hair because she's being bullied, that's already teaching her to change herself to please other people who don't care about her, and they are so not worth it. Who knows if the bullying will stop if she cuts her hair? They're already jealous of her because she's tall and pretty and she stands out, they'll just find something else to pick on. Help her build her self esteem by telling her you love her as she is and her hair as it is, experiment with different styles etc. Maybe wait a while say 2-3 weeks or a month, see if she still wants a change. As for your husband I don't think he's being controlling either he just doesn't understand how much girls worry about their appearance and he wants her to be confident as she is.

IHateCoronavirus · 19/05/2020 04:34

He either values her opinion or her appearance. I’d say that is quite an important message to get right for the sake of DD’s self esteem growing into a young woman.
My own DD wanted her hair cut short as a little one so, I took her to get it done. The backlash I got was astounding. Several people even suggested I get her ears pierced so she would still be ‘Pretty’. Shock

didmyhousethismornin · 19/05/2020 04:34

She’s old enough to choose!. And her cutting her hair does not mean that she’s lost the little girl in her?. What makes him think that, is it having short hair or her making her own decisions?.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 19/05/2020 05:21

I have a bit of an odd view of this.

My mum would not let me have my hair cut. It was down to my bum until I was about 15. I saved up some money and took myself to the hair dresser and had it cut off. Its been very short and very long in the last 22 years.

I always promised I wouldn't do that to my kids. There was something very upsetting about not being able to choose how to have my own hair. This was a theme in my childhood and I became a bit fixated on hair. It was a symbol of control. My mum was a 'women must be feminine' type person, but that went as far as 'women must be sahm, not work and be a home maker, they don't need education'. That wasn't what I wanted so it became a battle ground.

My dd has very thibk wavy hair. Its been down to her bum, in a bob and everything in between. However, during lockdown she wanted to shave her head. Her dad called me to say she had asked him to do it. He was against it. I wasn't keen. But she is 15.

My stance was honesty. I dont think its the best idea. But if she wants to do, she should do it. I told her I thought she should think about it for a while. We talked and she actully really wants a pixie cut. So after lockdown, I will take her to the hair dresser and get that done. I haven't encouraged it, but I certainly wouldn't stop her.

But when she was younger, I made it clear I would not be getting up and blow drying a bob every morning. She was fine with that and her hair looked great with her texture anyway.

Hair can be an issue for women. I had very short hair for a while. The amount of people who questioned why I wanted it short was odd. The amount of peolle who told me i would be prettier with longer hair, was astounding.

Men don't get this. So ops dh is unlikely to be thinking about the implications .

Lostvoiced · 19/05/2020 05:28

It's hair. It will grow back.

Besides that, it's her hair, not his. Tell him to get stuffed.

sashh · 19/05/2020 05:29

Your DH needs to think about the message he is sending his daughter, ie how she looks in his eyes is more important than her feelings and the hassle (and sometimes pain if it gets tangled) of washing and styling her hair.

MissyNomer · 19/05/2020 06:07

It will grow back, I think it is a reasonable request.

Shoxfordian · 19/05/2020 06:23

It's her hair
Your dh shouldn't be trying to tell her what to look like. Why does having short hair suddenly make her less of a child? Stand up for your daughter

Goatinthegarden · 19/05/2020 06:48

I got my first pixie cut at about 7. I loved it but got teased and told I looked like a boy, so I grew it back out. At 12, I had it cut short again and I loved it. Plenty of people told me I looked like a boy, but I also got plenty of attention and compliments. Luckily I was strong enough to do what I wanted I’ve never grown my hair since (although it’s bloody growing in lockdown).

I love my hair short, I don’t look like everyone else. I’ve had a lot of different short styles, some fabulous cuts that get complimented And some I look back on and cringe. I think hair Is the main part of your appearance, it’s the first thing everyone notices. I would never style it to please anyone else other than myself.

lotusbell · 19/05/2020 07:00

I never understood people who control kids with hair cuts! What exactly is he afraid of happening? It makes sense not to go too short to begin with but a bob is fine surely? Is he worried she'll look too grown up?
My SD13 had her hair cut into a bob a year ago and it's now grown long again but when she was younger she never had it cut even though it was tatty and needed it. It was her mum and grandmas telling her that princesses have long hair Hmm
Mind you, I don't understand grown women who are scared of having it cut or who say they've gone short when the reality is they've had a few inches off and it's now a long bob.
At 7 your daughter is old enough to have some say!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/05/2020 07:13

It will give your DD confidence if you support her in what she wants to do.
Hopefully your DH will understand and put your DD's feelings before his.

JustaScratch · 19/05/2020 07:14

My DD is 6 and last year wanted her hair cut chin length (I have long hair). We spent some time looking at different haircuts together. I said if she still wanted it after two weeks, she could. She did, so we cut it. She loved it. A year later she has decided she wants it long again and is growing it out. No drama because, you know, it's hair, isn't it? It grows. She's not a doll FFS.

Poetryinaction · 19/05/2020 07:17

Would he say the same to your DS in a few years? My ds wants long hair. I love it short on him, to show off his gorgeous face, but he insists. It is shoulder length and lovely. He gets mistaken for a girl a lot. It's his hair. He gets to choose.

YinMnBlue · 19/05/2020 07:20

Ugh, idolisation of long hair!
Not ‘creepy’ but definitely to do with a currency that is beyond simple choice.

It’s just hair.

However... how will you get it cut? Are you skilled in cutting hair? Short cuts are very unforgiving of amateur attempts, in my bitter experience!

Poetryinaction · 19/05/2020 07:22

Also, my mum made me have short hair all my childhood, and long hair from secondary school. She said my hair was too thick to managr long as a kid, but as a teenager I'd want to swish it around to attract boys.
I'd love it short now but it is too thick to manage.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 19/05/2020 07:24

I think it's very important that she sees you stand up to her dad and let her choose how she has her hair. This is such a terrible lesson. She must have long hair, why? So she is pretty and that's more important than her comfort. Nah, just chop it and stand up to him if he doesn't like it. Ask him why it's important that he controls the length of her hair.

KatherineJaneway · 19/05/2020 07:25

Will a shorter cut suit her?
If she has been bullied, do you want to give her a short cut that could lead to cruel comments?

Brefugee · 19/05/2020 07:30

Well, OP, here's your opportunity to have the conversation with your DH and your daughter (preferably separately) about how he simply doesn't have any say in what she does with her hair, and that he'd better get used to the idea of bodily autonomy with this relatively simple thing because from here on as your DD gets older it's going to get more complicated.

And you might want to briefly check in about what he's going to say if your DS decides he wants long hair, while you're at it.

Ginfordinner · 19/05/2020 07:53

I wasn't allowed short hair as a child. When I was 16 and got myself a Saturday job the first thing I did was get my hair cut short.

ScrapThatThen · 19/05/2020 07:54

Gently tell him he needs to start treating her like an individual person not a princess to protect and display. My (lovely) Dad had the same disappointed reaction when I had my hair cut short at 13 and looked like a boy. It opened my eyes to how men view women.

Lovelydovey · 19/05/2020 07:57

My 8yo DS wanted a really short crop last time I did DH’s hair. I hated the thought of it, hate the look of it now but have put up and shut up as it is his hair. He now needs to grow it back for school in September, but that’s life, hair grows again as you say.

Not his hair, not his choice.

shockthemonkey · 19/05/2020 08:00

She won't grow up any faster with short hair.

It's not like she's asking to get a tattoo.

I agree with PPs, it's her hair, her choice

Ultrasoft · 19/05/2020 08:02

I'm no child psychologist but aren't her body image issues also likely to be tied up with the fact that her father puts so much store by her appearance?

If course she should get her hair cut if she wants. I'm finding really odd that a father could care less what his daughter's hair is like.

Stripeytopgirl · 19/05/2020 08:04

I think posters have been needlessly harsh on the dad. Maybe he has reservations because he thinks DD is only wanting to cut her hair because she thinks she’s ugly due to the bullying? Which is why she’ll regret it?

I’m not saying she shouldn’t be allowed, but I’d want to know it’s because she wanted it - not to appease other people.