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Original poster

To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

180 replies

Crumpetsforthequeen · 18/05/2020 23:24

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

OP posts:
Stripeytopgirl · 19/05/2020 09:10

Megatron

I’m not saying she shouldn’t be allowed, but I’d want to know it’s because she wanted it - not to appease other people.

Wouldn't she be keeping it long to appease her dad though @Stripeytopgirl?

@Megatron not if he has reservations for the right reasons & his heart is in the right place. If his just saying it for the reasons previous posters have suggested then yes, but I don’t think the OP has said specifics about why? Maybe his genuinely concerned she’s doing it for the wrong reasons and suspects she will regret it if she’s doing it to ‘feel prettier.’ Because class mates have made her feel ugly. Horrible!

LannieDuck · 19/05/2020 09:18

Glad he's onboard. Tell him he can let DS9mths grow out his hair for the next few years if he wants to ;)

EmeraldShamrock · 19/05/2020 09:22

She is trying to find her own identity.
My DD had long locks chopped at 7.
I didn't object. I remembered reading Mylie Cyrus was forbidden from hair cuts once a young adult she shaved it all off.
Bob haircut are so easy to manage.

Runmybathforme · 19/05/2020 09:24

I agree with OP, I don’t think it’s ‘ weird ‘, it’s a Father wanting his little girl to slow down, to stay his little girl. Obviously, you’ll have to override his opinion on this. Her body belongs to her.

Equimum · 19/05/2020 09:31

When I was a bit older than your daughter, I really wanted my hair cutting. My parents set an arbitrary age I had to be before deciding, as they were so worried I would regret it. In the end, I really resented their control, and had it done when I got to the age, even though I didn’t really want it doing by then.

Looking back, a far more important lesson, would have been to explain the consequences if I didn’t like it, and had that been the case, to have supported me in learning to deal with having made decision I regretted.

Her hair will grow, if that’s what she wants. A hair cut is not a permanent change.

Megatron · 19/05/2020 09:33

@Stripeytopgirl Well the OP only said that he likes to see her with long hair so I don't suppose we should make assumptions either way really. Good that he's on board with it now anyway. 😊

@Runmybathforme I'm not sure what you mean. Why would her getting her hair cut mean that she wouldn't be his 'little girl' anymore?

Melroses · 19/05/2020 09:36

My Grandma had this from her parents in the 1920s. I like to think we have moved on a bit from there.

FourCandelabras · 19/05/2020 09:38

Good for you and good for your husband - it can take a lot to accept feedback and change your opinion, so sounds like he is a keeper!

Longtalljosie · 19/05/2020 09:43

When DD2 (then 4) wanted a chin length bob I said yes as long as she didn’t change her mind about it, even once, for two weeks. She didn’t and it looked great. People were a bit odd about it though - couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea it was her idea rather than something I had imposed...

opticaldelusion · 19/05/2020 09:44

You're married to someone who ultimately thinks women are there for men's benefit.

CallmeAngelina · 19/05/2020 09:44

I'd keep it just long enough to be able to tie it back in a ponytail.

opticaldelusion · 19/05/2020 09:48

We've really culturally assimilated men's proprietorial views towards their daughters. Chuckling away when men talk about taking a shotgun to a daughter's first boyfriend. Smiling indulgently at a girl who 'wraps her daddy round her little finger'. It's revolting.

Nonnymum · 19/05/2020 09:50

She should definitely be allowed to have her hair cut. .its her body, her hair and even at her young age it is not too soon to get the message that she has control.where it is safe and suitable for her age.
If she was proposing something permanent or difficult to reverse or clearly not suitable for a 7 year old that would be different eg a tattoo, her ears pierced or shaved head. But she should be allowed to decide to have shorter hair. Your husband saying she should keep it long sounds very controlling.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/05/2020 09:51

My DP was apprehensive too when DD was going for the chop from bra strap to bob. She was beautiful he loved it once it was done.
He's probably remembering & expecting the bowl cut like my DP was.

Sedlescombe · 19/05/2020 10:02

Tell your husband that in the unlikely event that he is right then the matter will resolve itself within a few weeks.

Defenestratethecat · 19/05/2020 10:02

Always remember DNeice aged about 6 saying 'I'll never get my hair cut - Daddy says long hair makes me look like a princess and girl should have long hair.'
must admit it did make me feel a bit yeuch. Also really bad for girls self esteem that their worth is associated with their hair of all things.

Ahwig · 19/05/2020 10:11

It was my mum in my house growing up. She had her hair done at the hairdresser every week but I had to have very short hair. I hated it. It looked like a short back and sides. I pleaded to grow it and was eventually “allowed “ to grow it when I was 10. I still remember it , how horrible it looked ( and have the pictures to prove it) and I’m now 50.

SerenDippitty · 19/05/2020 10:12

Hair can be an issue for women. I had very short hair for a while. The amount of people who questioned why I wanted it short was odd. The amount of peolle who told me i would be prettier with longer hair, was astounding.

Yes, I have also had my hair very short at certain times and people really don’t understand it. There is an obsession with long hair that simply didn’t exist when I was a child. My class photo when I was OP’s daughter’s age shows a mixture of styles and lengths.

In my old job I edited the organisation’s intranet news page and would publish photos of new recruits. The young female ones always looked the same. All long straight hair parted in the middle and those eyebrows. It was depressing.

peperethecat · 19/05/2020 10:12

Wow, your husband is being very unreasonable.

Your daughter is a person in her own right, not just a pretty doll to be looked at. If she wants to cut her hair short, good for her. If she doesn't like it, it will grow back.

BubblyBarbara · 19/05/2020 10:14

Is this really about “autonomy”? What if she wanted a tattoo or her ears pierced? I think you’re all just ok with the hair because it grows back and not “autonomy”

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 19/05/2020 10:15

Some of these responses are interesting. Posters respond that the choice should be the child's but some have then commented that it isn't as if the child is requesting a style that is ..... So, are posters saying children should only have a choice as long as that choice still conforms with the norm? Can they only have their choice as long as the style is one the mum finds acceptable?

I'm not necessarily in disagreement but the responses do seem a little contradictory in some cases:

"She is old enough to make her own decisions on her appearance and as you say it will grow back if she doesn't like it.
It's not a tattoo or even highlights! Just tell him shes a girl not a doll and her appearance is her decision."
Why mention a tattoo or highlights? If her appearance is her decision, as you say, would your response differ if she did want a tattoo or highlights?

"It's her hair so she gets to choose. It's not as if she's asked for a skinhead! It's only hair, it grows back"
Why mention a skinhead - would your response be different if the child had asked for that?

"There shouldn't be any 'allowed' about it she's not asking for a Mohican is she."
Again, it appears the child can choose but the response might be different if she wanted a mohican.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 19/05/2020 10:22

I'd keep it just long enough to be able to tie it back in a ponytail.
So, you'd impose your choice on the child because, presumably, you consider that more practical or versatile? Do you regard that as a compromise? The child is still not allowed their choice.

Whybirdwhy · 19/05/2020 10:29

This does not have to be big deal.
Cut the hair.
Show your husband this thread.

User8563029648123578 · 19/05/2020 10:29

@noteverythingisblackandwhite

Most parents allow their children to make choices within a range of options that they think are appropriate and acceptable.

So for example they can have eggs, cereal, toast, yoghurt, fruit or a sandwich for breakfast but not chocolate biscuits or a glass of wine.

That’s why most parents would allow their 7 year old a haircut but not a tattoo. And yes, the fact that it will grow but a tattoo won’t go away is relevant.

No one is saying a 7yo should have free choice on everything. Just limited choice on a range of age appropriate things.

peperethecat · 19/05/2020 10:32

What if she wanted a tattoo or her ears pierced?

If she wanted a tattoo she'd have to wait until she was an adult in any case.