To tell DH he's wrong to not let DD have her hair cut short?

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

Long story short DD7 wants her hair cut to her chin, I have no problem with this but DH says it's too short and will only allow up to her shoulders which she's had done in the past. He loves seeing her with long hair (as do I) but isn't she old enough to make her own decisions? Plus she'd look adorable!!

Her reasons go a bit deep as before lockdown her classmates relentlessly bullied her calling her fat and ugly (terms topic was healthy eating so they took it as she's fat because she's taller than them all so 'bigger' than them iyswim)

She's not fat at all, is incredibly healthy, loves vegetables, plays sports but it's left a lasting effect on her and she's incredibly unhappy with how she looks even though I've told her a thousand times everybody is different and she is beautiful and what they say doesn't matter (something we are working on and I've explained that she doesn't need to change for anyone). She seems so excited about the prospect of having shorter hair, something she wanted anyway before the bullying and I think it would give her a real boost.

DH says she'll regret it after it's done but I don't think she will and if she does it'll grow back.

Wibu to tell him to butt out and let her have it done? I get she's just as much his DD as she is mine and I respect his opinion but I feel like it's the right thing to do as it's her hair not ours.

[VickyEadieofThigh]

I'd remind your husband that he doesn't own your daughter. Being so controlling over a minor haircut is really, really creepy and unacceptable.

This. I have a nephew whose son had very long hair until just before he went to secondary school - because his strange mother said she "loved how he looked" with long hair. He was constantly taken for a girl which he increasingly hated and in the end, took himself off to the barber and got it cut (he is quite a big lad and was already 5' 7" by the time he was 11!)

Whilst parents should have responsibility for specific decisions about their children, I do believe length of hair ought to be something the child has quite early autonomy over.

[VickyEadieofThigh]

There is an obsession with long hair that simply didn’t exist when I was a child.

This. I'm almost 62 and when I was at primary school, short hair was the norm for girls. That almost all schoolgirls have long, swishy hair is a tad Stepfordish to me.

[MulticolourMophead]

Yes, I have also had my hair very short at certain times and people really don’t understand it. There is an obsession with long hair that simply didn’t exist when I was a child. My class photo when I was OP’s daughter’s age shows a mixture of styles and lengths.

I think it's because gender steroetypes have come back pretty strongly lately.

Is this really about “autonomy”? What if she wanted a tattoo or her ears pierced? I think you’re all just ok with the hair because it grows back and not “autonomy”

Rubbish. My DD had pierced ears when she demonstrated she understood the implications and could care for them herself.

As for tattoos, you do know that they are illegal under the age of 18? At which point the child is an adult and can do what they want.

[nettie434]

Agree with VickieEadieofThigh and MulticolourMophead about the rise in gender stereotyping - much harder today to be a girl who wants shorter, easy to care for hair.

Your daughter sounds like a girl to be proud of Crumpetsforthequeen. Hope you get to take her to the hairdresser's soon.

[Oblomov20]

Go for a very long bob to start with. So it can just fit in a ponytail.

How could your Dh object to that? What a twat!

[lazylinguist]

he doesn't want to lose that little girl in her so soon
Quite apart from the fact that that is an irritating attitude in itself, having her hair cut won't stop her being a little girl fgs! He is being completely and utterly unreasonable.

[JRUIN]

At your DD's age I think it's so wrong that your DH thinks he has the right to tell her how she should wear her hair. Let the poor girl have a say fgs.

[MulticolourMophead]

Actually, I've just been talking about this thread with my DD, now an adult. She just said there is a really big rise in gender steroetypes and that this can be seen with Kinder eggs as an example. She recalls that when she was young, they came in one type, but are now distinctly gendered.

And yes, if DD had wanted a shaved head as a little girl, I'd have let her have the style.

[Fluffybutter]

My dd has a chin length bob at 7 and it was still knotty 🤦‍♀️ She has fine hair but lots of it so I think it’ll always be knotty .
She is 9 now and won’t even contemplate short hair , the longer the better in her eyes!

[Megatron]

The amount of peolle who told me i would be prettier with longer hair, was astounding.

We had a temp come into work a couple of months ago. He told me that I would look so much more 'womanly' if I had longer hair.

I told him that I would no doubt look more womanly if I hadn't had my tits removed 5 months before because I had cancer and that losing my hair to chemo was the least of my worries.

Totally over the top and I probably shouldn't have said it but it made me feel so shit.

[Timekeeper1]

Definitely allow her to make her own decision on her hair length.

I find the school's refusal to do anything about bullying to be far more concerning. If it was me, I'd be enrolling my child in another school. And I live in a rural area with not much choice, but I would do it.

Keeping your daughter at that school is doing far more harm to her than having her hair long or having her hair short. #Priorities.

[BoomyBooms]

I'm going to be reluctant to let my daughter cut her hair that short I think... Maybe because mine takes soooo long to grow, if she's anything like me then if she didn't like it she'd be stuck with it for years. Maybe I just like long hair and I'm being selfish! I wouldn't stop her if it was so very important to her though.

That said, please think about your daughter's hair type!! Not all hair types work with short hair, if hers is fly away frizzy or curly then short could actually create a lot more work for you both.

[NewMinouMinou]

Megatron - what a knobber. I hope that shut him up and that you’re well.

[YinMnBlue]

What if she wanted a tattoo or her ears pierced?

It is illegal for tattooists to tattoo 7 year olds. Totally different - it is invasive, and permanent.

Personally I don't agree with adults deciding to punch holes in small children's earlobes in order to decorate them, but it is a custom deeply ingrained so that won't change. I would probably allow a 10 or 11 year old to make that decision for themselves though.

[YinMnBlue]

Megatron

No - you were not OTT!

How dare he!?

You could maybe have added that he would look a bit more womanly himself if he had his bollocks kicked in, so he should maybe think twice before giving women unsolicited advice on their appearance.

[NoMorePoliticsPlease]

Would he be the same with a boy?

[NoMorePoliticsPlease]

Wait until she wants to shave her head haha

[TheSandman]

Let her cut it short. It's her hair. My oldest DD demanded - and got - a no2 buzzcut at that age. She still wears it short now her sister on the other hand can just about sit on hers it's so long. It's a personal choice and it's your daughter's to make; not her dad's.

[Megatron]

It did shut him up and I would have felt bad had he apologised, but he didn't. Twat.

[BubblyBarbara]

Wait until she wants to shave her head haha

Or wants a face tattoo when she's 15.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions is a great book for a man raising a girl. It has suggestions like, "don't see marriage as an accomplishment" because it's not seen as one for men. It's from an African perspective so it has very specific cultural suggestions as well. But it challenges a lot of norms. I left it in the toilet for light reading for DH.

The one you might draw attention to is "'Because you are a girl' is never a reason for anything".

[Asthenia]

Oh OP your post broke my heart a little! Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age. I agree with most posters that her hair is totally her decision and your husband should understand that. I hope it all goes well.

[katseyes7]

@candycane222 l'm with you on this one.
My mother was the same, always made me have my hair cut short and l hated it. She wasn't interested in hair, makeup, clothes, etc, at all, so in a way l can understand it, but my hair was really short like a boy's and really didn't do me any favours.
l'm 61 now and l've had varying degrees of long hair most of my adult life.
OP, My cousin's daughter is 25 and has had a very short pixie cut for about 5 years now, and she looks gorgeous. But it's her choice to have her hair like that. My two stepsons both have long hair. Again, their choices.
lf it's bothering your daughter that much, her dad needs to take that into account. Why would anyone want to make their child unhappy and uncomfortable?

[Soubriquet]

I hated when my dh wanted to cut my ds’s hair. He wanted to cut it short...and then I realised, it was what DS wanted not me or dh

And ds wanted his hair short like daddy and then afterwards like a Mohawk

I hated both...but I pretended I loved it as he did.

Tell your dh to butt out

[bluebluezoo]

I've always found it really odd and controlling when men insist their daughters have long hair. Why would you force your child to look a certain way?

A lot of women feel the same way. Many won’t let their dc go against gender norms for fear of bullying, or because they believe in gender stereotypes. There’s a thread atM where o/p’s toddler’s hair won’t grow long and she’s devastated that people assume boy.

I once posted on a forum about my frustrations with strangers in the street insisting my child was a boy, to me, to her face.

I got told fairly roundly I should make her grow her hair. That would solve the issue, because little girls should have long hair or people will think they’re boys.