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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:10

I forgot to add, we're trying for another baby too

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 10/03/2020 17:13

The childcare is his responsibility too , your wage less half might leave you with some degree of financial independence at least for a while til you have another child

NurseButtercup · 10/03/2020 17:13

"I think you should find a job".

What was your response when he said this? Did you ask him why he is now suggesting this?

freeingNora · 10/03/2020 17:14

I'd be very interested to find out why the sudden change. Have you spoken to him is it that he doesn't really want the third child or is there something else

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/03/2020 17:15

I think he should be free at any point to decide he doesn’t want to be the sole earner.

With no real experience and years out of the workplace, it’s going to be hard getting back without adding more time on. Perhaps he thinks another child means the likelihood of you not working for a great deal more time.

BogOffWinter · 10/03/2020 17:16

You find a job and you’re both liable for childcare. If your finances are that tight that you only own two bras I’d suggest holding off on a third child.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/03/2020 17:16

Yes what did you say to him? Surely you had more of a conversation than that. Did you say but I thought we agreed that I would look after the children? Did you ask why he wants you to get a job all of a sudden and had he thought about how much childcare would cost?

On another note, you never having money is really shitty

OhCaptain · 10/03/2020 17:17

Did you ask him why he’s changed his mind?

Rhubarbpeony · 10/03/2020 17:18

You guys need to talk it out. He may he finding the pressure of being the sole earner too much, or he may he worried that the longer you’re out of the workforce the harder it will be to rejoin. It doesn’t sound like it’s sensible for you to be working at the moment if it will cost more in childcare than you earn, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a valid concern behind what he’s saying. I would try and get to the bottom of that (ideally before the next child is conceived, in case that is the source of his anxiety).

KeepYourWigOn · 10/03/2020 17:20

I presume he has no intention of being involved in drop offs, pick ups, time off when the child is sick etc. As your husband is away a lot, he's not going to be much use is he?

Sit him down and go through how this will work in practice. Surely he's not that stupid that he doesn't see how any income will be eaten up by childcare costs.

I wouldn't be planning another child with this man.

Greysparkles · 10/03/2020 17:21

The childcare is his responsibility too

Why do people insist on putting things like this on these threads. Yes it's both their responsibility but if it costs more than the Extra wage coming in then you're still at a deficit. Whoever bloody pays for it!

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:21

I was just abit dumfounded, I brought up childcare costs and he said that it'd be me paying for it and it'd be okay cause id be left with like £40 of my own money! He's away ATM so it was over the phone, was just abit awkward.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 10/03/2020 17:21

Yes, why did he tell you to find a job? Was it simply a random announcement or was it in response to you saying something?

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:21

He also would expect house to be tidy and food on the table aswell as me working

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 10/03/2020 17:21

You need to talk about what’s prompted this. Are things changing for him at work? Would you work the four days he’s home?

Personally I think it’s better to have something you can do for yourself if you can. You never know what’s round the corner.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:22

He asked me to because I asked to get the food shopping tomorrow instead of Thursday

OP posts:
Nquartz · 10/03/2020 17:22

@KeepYourWigOn

Is making good sense, how would it work in reality? Do you need to get one of these term time only, school hour jobs that everyone wants & are rarer than hen's teeth?!

OhCaptain · 10/03/2020 17:23

Well he could keep expecting it, couldn’t he? Doesn’t mean it would happen!

Does he purposely not give you money?!

Did you ask why?!

TangoWhisky · 10/03/2020 17:23

Your trying for a baby , yet his told you to find work?

You cant ask him for money? Have u not got a joint account? ?

DICarter1 · 10/03/2020 17:23

Definitely stop trying to conceive.

I’d sit down with him and ask exactly how would a job work with childcare. The kids are a joint responsibility. I’ve been a sahm until recently as two of our kids have special needs so couldn’t attend nursery for long period. I’m only working again as I’m fitting my job around school hours and term time only otherwise it would be a push.

All money should be joint money. Could you look at gaining some qualifications?

NailsNeedDoing · 10/03/2020 17:24

Did you ask him why?

Are you happy as a SAHM and do you come across as happy?

When you say ‘we talked about it, are you absolutely sure it was what he wanted too, or could it be that he went along with it because you wanted it? Maybe he’s started to feel a lot of pressure to always be the breadwinner and would like to share the burden, which would be fair enough.

GreenTulips · 10/03/2020 17:24

You work the 4 days he’s hime and he can look after the kids.

PersephoneandHades · 10/03/2020 17:25

Based on your updates, absolutely fuck him, who does he think he is?

Please do not entertain his behavior OP; if he no longer wants to be the sole earner and want you to work full time then he needs to take responsibility for the childcare and housework too.

AngelsSins · 10/03/2020 17:25

It sounds like it would be good for you to have some independence. I would make it very clear to him though that he’d be expected to share sick days etc because whilst you are happy to sacrifice your career to facilitate all childcare, you will not work AND take full responsibility for the children and the house. He will need to step up.

Childcare is not your expense to cover, it’s a joint expense and you should have enough money left that you can buy yourself some new underwear! The fact he has you asking for money rather than sharing access to it is pretty wrong in my opinion.

frazzledasarock · 10/03/2020 17:26

Why do you want to be a SAHM, if you have to rely on scraps from him and you never have make up or clothes for yourself.

Why do you want that for yourself.

Tell him you’ll go to university first study whatever it was you wanted to study so you can get a good job.

I can understand being happy to be a SAHM when finances are joint and you have the same lifestyle as your partner. But not in this case when you’re living off scraps!