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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
teapotter · 10/03/2020 17:53

Get a Saturday job. Then he can spend the day with the kids, they get some quality dad time and he gets a taste of what you do.

And please get a joint account, it isn’t HIS money if you’re partners.

Herpesfreesince03 · 10/03/2020 17:53

It’s ok for him to change his mind op, he’s only working 4 days a week. Most of us have to do it. The expecting you to pick up childcare costs and still doing all the housework is obviously unreasonable and has to be addressed. Otherwise you’ll need to find a job around him, ask around family and friends for childcare and possibly look into what benefits you can claim towards childcare. Personally I have no idea why you’ve just married a man who you’re trying to get pregnant by when you feel like you have to beg him for handouts

KatherineJaneway · 10/03/2020 17:54

I brought up childcare costs and he said that it'd be me paying for it

Why?

FrankieManca · 10/03/2020 17:55

We only got married 3 weeks ago 😂 and no that can't be why he's asking me to work, it was only a cheap wedding with two witnesses

Umm, that could well be why he is now asking you to work: he feels he can change the goal posts because he now has you under contract.

Look, you two take care of equally important and time consuming jobs within your family, childcare and bread winning. The money he brings in should be family money. There is no way you should need his permission of release of money to change the day you do the shopping.

I would talk to him calmly when you have tome to talk, and ask him what precipitated his comment, and why he has changed his mind on what you always talked about.

It may be that he is anxious about his future earnings security. Or...he might be a financially abusive arsehole.

Either way do not even slightly risk getting pg until you have a very satisfactory answer from him.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2020 17:55

So was he OK with money before you married him, but now he's got you where he wants you he has changed all the rules?

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:55

He is generally a great guy, a living dad and partner, we've been together for a looooong time, since we where 13, so iv been with him since he was sleeping on a dirty mattress on his mum's floor. (He had a pretty shitty upbringing). I'm just not a confident person, so I don't like asking for money or spending money that I don't need to because I don't want to explain myself

OP posts:
MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 17:56

Definitely one of those threads where it would be good to hear the DH's point of view ...

Yes, a friend of mine just divorced a guy like this after 26 years. He went on and on about how she was lazy, didn't bring anything to table. He had one of those high-flying jobs with a lot of work away and they had two children with health conditions that required extensive hospital visits. She handled all of this, he never lifted a finger at home, she kept the house like a show home.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/03/2020 17:56

He is financially controlling you, you should not have to ask for money, it should all be in a joint account, then split fairly.
He said you should get a job, pay for all childcare and you could be left with £40 to yourself? wtf, you need a serious chat or a good lawyer to see about a divorce.
He sounds awful, no way should you consider another baby until this situation is sorted out.

SouthernComforts · 10/03/2020 17:56

What do you think about the replies OP?

Namechangexyz1 · 10/03/2020 17:58

I forgot to add, we're trying for another baby too

I'd stop immediately.

I wouldn't have another baby with this man who thinks you'd be ok to live on £40 and wants you to work for that much.

FlapAttack23 · 10/03/2020 17:58

I’d Stop trying for a baby immediately

NataliaOsipova · 10/03/2020 18:00

I think he should be free at any point to decide he doesn’t want to be the sole earner.

Fair enough. But then a discussion needs to be had around who looks after the kids/sorts out childcare on which days. Who cooks on which days. Who is responsible for which household jobs etc etc. Fine and dandy. But this “you can get a crap job to fit round me and still do all the cooking and cleaning and sorting the kids out” crap that so many men seem to pull? Fuck that.

frazzledasarock · 10/03/2020 18:00

I’m pretty sure living together prior to marriage counts during a divorce.

OP you need some assurance for yourself. Your H doesn’t sound reliable or trustworthy or nice at all.

He changed the goalposts easily and thinks you are completely financially responsible for your joint children! How can a ‘loving father’ tell the mother of his children to get a job and pay for all childcare and live on £40 a month she might have leftover after childcare costs?

Wetcarparkrain · 10/03/2020 18:00

Do you both want another baby equally?

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:01

@Wetcarparkrain yeah he's the one that asked for another

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 10/03/2020 18:01

Don’t have another baby!

You’ll end up alone and currently if you’d hypothetically only have £40 left after child care, imagine the cost of 3?

Plus it could be twins or triplets!!!

How much does he think a new baby will cost?

You need to split some of this stuff down the middle and he needs to step up and parent his kids

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 10/03/2020 18:03

Well colour me shocked.

It's almost like he wants you pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, dependent on him and constantly feeling apologetic about not earning money.

expat101 · 10/03/2020 18:03

Deep and meaningful telephone calls on serious subjects never seem to go well for anyone, lot's of misunderstanding and you miss out reading facial expressions and body language that go along with the dialogue.

However, frankly, I'm appalled you had to ask him to change your shopping day (I presume from that, he has to transfer funds to your account to enable you to make purchases). What sort of partnership arrangement is this?

2 bras? And he throws you 10 pounds every now and then. Crikey.

You need to stop the baby-making process here and now. (Actually, is he fully on board with the idea of baby no. 3?) And you need to re-adjust your thinking about the family funds, regardless of who is earning them. The two of you are either a partnership or not, but I think you need to ask some hard questions of him first.

Good luck.

cooldarkroom · 10/03/2020 18:11

Didn't read all the posts,
but first, do not have any more children
Tell him he will be responsible for the childcare/home/laundry/food for 4 days when he is home, both working means both share all other tasks equally. You will be at work.
He will be be paying the appropriate % of childcare costs, depending on your eventual salary.
You will obviously not be wanting anymore children.
He has moved the goal posts,
You need to make a stand Now

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/03/2020 18:13

This is not a normal set-up and it’s not ok.

DingleberryRose · 10/03/2020 18:15

Stop trying for another baby immediately!! You don’t have to have one just because your DH asked. You’ve already sacrificed enough opportunities (Uni and career) having the ones you have while your DH’s life has continued to progress.

Work on gaining some independence back. No woman should be solely dependent on a man. It makes you so vulnerable. If he called it quits you’d be in a very difficult position.

bumpnpups · 10/03/2020 18:16

@Mouseandmoose It would be great for you to have some financial independence but it sounds like there is more going on here then him just asking you to get a job, especially if he is saying you would be paying for sole childcare on your lesser salary.

If this was prompted by you asking to get shopping a day early, I hate to voice an opinion on another relationship, but you may want to rethink trying for another child at this moment until you get to the bottom of what the actual issue is as it doesn't sound as straightforward as he ants you to work. :S

Does he want you to work for your own independence? in which case he may be rethinking wanting a third child, does he want you to work as he's frustrated at being a sole provider? what is he like when he is home with you and the kids, and what are you guys like as a couple are you close in which case you need to have a real conversation about why that came up suddenly f your trying for another baby.

I hope it all gets sorted

Fanthorpe · 10/03/2020 18:16

Have you felt something is off for a while or is this the first time he’s wrong-footed you? We’re you happy with the wedding plans? Is thou house in joint names? Does he have expectations about the cleaning and the children’s behaviour?

Are you happy in general?

DontBe · 10/03/2020 18:20

You don’t sound like you’re a team when it comes to money. You shouldn’t have to be asking or justifying anything to him. You’re an adult.

Praiseyou · 10/03/2020 18:20

This is a personal opinion but I will never understand why a person would leave themselves and their children completely reliant on the salary of one person.

What if he is made redundant; he gets sick and can't work; he dies; the marriage breaks down and he leaves you with minimum child maintenance (if he's a contractor, it would be easier to hide his income)?

Are you homeowners or renting? Is the house/lease in joint names?

Obviously his nonsense about you still providing all childcare won't work if you get a job but you both need to have a face to face conversation about how that would work.