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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
NewNameGuy · 13/03/2020 09:42

Why is everyone giving OP such a stupid hard time.

OP the money thing is not normal, nor is the way you're making big family decisions.

If my daughter was you, I'd tell you to stand up and leave if you can't settle it.
Hope you can get some IRL support

JKScot4 · 13/03/2020 09:47

@Loppy10
If that’s directed at me, get a grip.
There are still plenty of apprenticeships out there, if you’re willing to work hard.
I have 2 DC at uni currently, so off you go with your nasty boomer remarks.

FrankieManca · 13/03/2020 09:47

Things don't work that way any more, boomer. Try asking the younger generation how things actually are before lecturing people about not needing qualifications

Hahaha and yet the OP is talking about a 22 yo with no degree earning £67k.

MN is busy with people much younger than me earning packet loads more and with greater savings than I will ever have, at half my age.

There are also people struggling in the gig / zero hours economy and for whom the housing market will forever be unnattainable.

Stop with the generational generalised insults.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/03/2020 10:09

JKScot4

In MN world not only do you have to have a degree to be able to get a job but if you aren’t married then you are going to end up with nothing.

I wish people would stop peddling these lies.

Like RainMinusBow has said the courts f**k you over
I have a friend who is going through a divorce, so far she is 3 years and £50,000+ in. Physically and financially abused.
She feels financially abused by the whole court system and divorce process as well.

At no point as he had to answer to the courts for his abuse and now she has been told it is too late to bring it up.

If she wasn’t married to him then she would be at least £50,000 better off and would have been able to press for a prosecution on his beatings

Anyone who is married should not rely on getting half even if your name is plastered over everything. Cm is a thing of the past. Don’t rely on being awarded part of your spouses pension should you split.
At least if you are not married and you jointly own property then you actually own something.
Friend is being made to sign over the business she helped set her stbexh up in and the joint btl properties which even if they weren’t sold she would have had 1/2 the income from
She is walking away with the family home which will need to be sold to pay the solicitors bill and to fund her future.
Friend is so badly disabled (caused by ex) that she will never work again.

I agree not every divorce runs into 10s of thousands but the ones I have witnessed do

What surprised me with courts is how one party can arrive at court all set with a barrister at £1000 per morning and all their papers in order and submitted to the court in due time and the other can arrive without submitting anything and with nothing prepared and ask for more time and the judge just delays everything.
There doesn’t appear to be any reprimand or fine for anything.
Just told to come back at a later date.

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 13/03/2020 10:17

At subway, they call their staff sandwich artists. They're not artists though are they?

I don't think it's a case of financial abuse. OP is just being a martyr. She's even said she has access and can transfer when she wants. Maybe he pulled his face over the food shop because she has only done one a few days ago and spent a ridiculous amount.

We are only hearing one side.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 13/03/2020 10:30

Oh also, there are lots of people in the aviation industry who are described as engineers and don’t have degrees. It describes a specialist mechanic.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 10:48

How exactly would being unmarried mean a person is able to press for a prosecution due to DV any differently than they could if they were married?

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/03/2020 11:55

How exactly would being unmarried mean a person is able to press for a prosecution due to DV any differently than they could if they were married

Because she was told that they would deal with the DM incidents once she was divorced.
3 years later they are now saying it is too late

Without having to go through with the divorce she would have been able to go for a prosecution straight away.

bibliomania · 13/03/2020 12:00

Oliversmum, you are confusing civil and criminal legal processes. Going through a divorce process would not in any way have stopped her reporting an assault to the police with a view to a criminal case going forward.

Mayaaaaa · 13/03/2020 12:15

@bibliomania no you are confusing advice with legal process

I was also advised to leave pursuing DV charges until after my divorce. Because the person you sre divorcing can easily make life more difficult and drag it out and become worse.

It's fairly common to be told, by your solicitor/legal representation to try and keep things amicable as possible during the divorce.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 12:19

It is, but that would also be true if there were proceedings relating to the joint property, and wouldn't be a concern if they were either not bothering with a divorce or divorcing on the grounds of 5 years separation.

I do think its absolutely vital we are clear that marital status has no bearing on a person's ability to press for prosecution on DV grounds: what we are talking about here is whether it was advantageous to an individual to do so or not.

bibliomania · 13/03/2020 12:21

Your description makes more sense, Mayaaaa I stand by my comment that the Oliversmum's description is an inaccurate and misleading account of the law.

bibliomania · 13/03/2020 12:22

In other words, I agree with Vegetable.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 12:27

Thanks.

Also worth pointing out that if you were divorcing on unreasonable behaviour grounds due to the DV, there's be no reason at all not to pursue criminal charges. You might well be advised to try and petition for unreasonable behaviour due to something other than the DV, that happens, but for some people it's important for them to cite it to the court.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 12:28

That is pretty fucking outrageous behaviour by the police in question though. There is zero legal basis for what they did and I hope the woman can find it in herself to complain. Not least because I bet there'd have been another reason to do fuck all if they weren't married...

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/03/2020 12:56

As my friend has found out to her cost, bibliomania there is a difference in what the law states and what the law actually does in rl.

Her injunction against ex means absolutely nothing.

She has a special number to call if he turns up on her doorstep or tries to contact her

At one stage he had several Male members of his family banging on her front door late at night and shouting at her.

The police turned up the following day and said it was her word against his that it had actually happened

She recorded one attack but was told that they could have been play acting

She feels that whilst people told her she was protecting herself financially because she was married in reality she would have had the same abusive shit if she hadn’t been married but would have gone afterhim straight away instead of being advised to wait. She feels like she has been abused again by the courts and would have ended up financially better off without being married.

RainMinusBow · 13/03/2020 13:00

Being married from a custody pov caused a lot more issues. He has "rights" which he was allowed to take advantage of.

True story... when I met a Cafcass officer she asked me why I would sometimes briefly leave the house and (OMG) leave my husband with the children. I told her it was because I was scared - his verbal abuse was escalating in front of the children and the only way to make it stop was to get out of his way.

The report published read that by leaving the family home I was "Using my marriage for personal gain" and "Expecting him to take care of the children."

Still can't get my head around it six years on.

5foot5 · 13/03/2020 13:03

@Mbhatescf123 Your post at Thu 12-Mar-20 01:40:01

Can I suggest you take a quick look at your post and ask yourself whether you really expect anyone to read it?

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 13:03

The problem wrt the injunction would appear to be the police force not your friend's marital status.

She may well be worse off due to being married though, that certainly happens. It's not the right choice for everyone.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/03/2020 13:39

Yes, we know you could get a paid apprenticeship straight out of school with no qualifications

Actually Ds 17 (1 year at college 1 GCSE) has done that so it isn’t unheard of even today.

Kittenbittenmitten · 13/03/2020 14:20

Abuse often escalates after marriage.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 14:46

It does, sometimes immediately, but I dont think someone who was going to be abusive once they were married is going to be willing and able to behave over a long term period of cohabitation. Like with the police example earlier: do we really think a person or institution that's corrupt, abusive, lazy, disgusting is somehow going to be like oh actually, you're not married so in fact I won't be corrupt, lazy, abusive, disgusting at all? Seems highly unlikely.

Best to focus on the financial and legal distinctions, the stuff it's easy to be clear about, then decide which suits you better.

Mayaaaaa · 13/03/2020 14:57

She may well be worse off due to being married though, that certainly happens. It's not the right choice for everyone.

This is something everyone needs to think about before they get married.

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 15:13

Yes, certainly. Everyone should think carefully about marriage vs long term cohabitation before engaging in either. Civil partnership too. There are differences, so make an active decision about which is preferable.

OscarWildesCat · 14/03/2020 08:23

You are in an abusive relationship, he may never have hurt you physically but this is abuse, I cannot for the life of me, fathom why toi would think it was ok to have to ask him for money when he is a, "high earner" and you have jointly agreed that you dont work. Surely you can see this isn't normal?. I see so many posts like this on here and just cannot get my head around how many shitty men there are in the world, please value yourself a bit more OP Flowers