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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/03/2020 17:26

I wonder whether he's got someone else who is putting ideas in his mind. It's very common for a man to be hostile towards his wife when he meets someone new.

ViciousJackdaw · 10/03/2020 17:26

You have to ASK for money for food shopping? So it's not freely available to you, you have to go cap in hand to him and beg?

Sorry to be harsh but why the hell are you trying for another baby? Things are only going to get worse if you do. This feels like financial abuse...

Double3xposure · 10/03/2020 17:27

Stop TTC.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:27

I don't like taking the money just because I feel like I have to explain myself and it's just easier not to. We don't have a joint account, we have one each but have access to each others banking. I didn't really ask him why. I just brought up child care. But no he wouldn't be able to do pick ups and drop offs. I imagine it's difficult to find a job to fit around nursery hours too

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 10/03/2020 17:27

Are you saying you asked permission to change your shopping day?

Hilda40 · 10/03/2020 17:28

2 kids is enough in any relationship, let alone this one.

Ivyr0se · 10/03/2020 17:28

Stop TTC immediately.
Situations change and being the only earner can be a lot of pressure.
Childcare expenses have to be split fairly.

Millhouse7 · 10/03/2020 17:28

It sounds like he's saying that as a punishment you asking for money for food shopping. Do you have a joint account or does he keep all of the money?

Definitely stop trying to convince.

MadamBatty · 10/03/2020 17:29

so he wants you to do all the childcare & keep the house together & work full time. His contribution will be what exactly.

it smacks to me of ‘what’s yours is mine &’what’s mine is my own’.

frazzledasarock · 10/03/2020 17:29

Oh fuck that I just read your update.

Divorce him and put in a claim for CMS.

Why have ou put up with this for so long?

Tell him to go fuck himself he can clean the house and have hot food on the table and he can fucking pay for the fucking childcare, as this is his decision and he is the main earner.

AngelsSins · 10/03/2020 17:30

Oh wow, just saw your updates, he sounds like an asshole. Why does he get to make all the rules? Is he your partner or your father?

Why do people insist on putting things like this on these threads. Yes it's both their responsibility but if it costs more than the Extra wage coming in then you're still at a deficit. Whoever bloody pays for it!

It’s relevant because he’s withholding money from her, if she’s paying only half the childcare (which it turns out is not the case) then she would have some money of her own. Also your only taking into account her starting salary if you weigh childcare up against her wage only, but she’s likely over the years to get promotions and earn more in the long term.

Wereallsquare · 10/03/2020 17:30

I'm uncomfortable spending his money

How is it his money? How would he manage if you left and he had to fend for himself and the children? He would have to pay someone, wouldn't he? Why do you feel that the work you do as a SAHM every day should not be remunerated? The paycheck you, as a SAHM, give him the ability to bring home is for the family. It should be put into a joint account and you should have the dignity of not having to ask him for money.

I am angry on your behalf that you think this situation is in any way acceptable. He is a selfish wanker.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:30

We only got married 3 weeks ago 😂 and no that can't be why he's asking me to work, it was only a cheap wedding with two witnesses.

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 10/03/2020 17:31

There's so much wrong here I don't know where to start!!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/03/2020 17:32

So he is financially controlling you. You can't even buy food shopping for you and your children without his permission, and if you ask, he tells you to go get a job. Stop ttc. This probably won't get better. Infact it will only get worse.

SallySun123 · 10/03/2020 17:32

He asked me to because I asked to get the food shopping tomorrow instead of Thursday

What? Do you have to ask him before you can spend any of “his” money on anything, even food?

Mayaaaaa · 10/03/2020 17:32

You asked him what day you could do the shopping?

Look in usual circumstance I would sat if he no longer wants to be a sole earner, that's ok.

Also single parents manage to work, feed every one and keep the house tidy. So it can be done. But you are couple, it's not just down to you. If you are working everything gets split. Yes you will do more of certain things being around on the days he isnt. But then he should do plenty when he is at home. Especially, when he is home and you are working.

I cant work out wether you have self imposed these rules into yourself, or he has. But this sounds like a shocking marriage, in the financial sense at the very least.

WitchDancer · 10/03/2020 17:33

I wonder if he feels his job is at risk?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 10/03/2020 17:33

Why do you want to be a SAHM, if you have to rely on scraps from him and you never have make up or clothes for yourself.Why do you want that for yourself.

^ I agree with this. Are you really happy living on scraps, doing all the childcare and housework, while he's a high earner? Why do you (and he) value your contribution to the household so little?

Being dependent on a man who grudgingly gives you the occasional £10 as a treat is no way for an adult woman to live.

You deserve a fair share of the family money, but this guy isn't going to give it to you, that's clear. I'd recommend getting a job, making clear you expect a fair split of chores (and being prepared to end things if you don't get it), and stopping trying to conceive.

ByeMF · 10/03/2020 17:33

Not that it excuses him, but is he just having a really stressy day? To me, if you are in the fortunate position that you don't need to earn it would seem daft to get a job when you have two very young children and are trying for a third.

The way you describe things he has complete monitory control. You have had to ask his permission to get the groceries a day early. He gives you the odd £10 for make up. You don't like to ask for money so you only have two bras. Why on earth haven't you got a joint bank account? You ARE working. You are solely responsible for the children and the house.

If I were you I'd be having a look at uni courses. See if you can get back to your studies. That way, when the time comes that you can return to work you've got a bit more experience.

MagnoliaJustice · 10/03/2020 17:33

You're bringing up the children, the children he fathered with you, and you have to ask him for money? That's appalling. You have to have a face to face conversation about this. If you work, then childcare is going to cost a lot, and he must realise that your wage isn't going to make a dramatic difference to your family income.

Is there something else going on? Could he be in line for redundancy or is he about to be fired for some reason?

TiredMum10 · 10/03/2020 17:33

Absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting you to work.
Why should he take on the entire responsibility of the financial burden?

Get a job, and share the childcare costs. It doesnt even seem like you have a good setup if you already view it all as his money. And if you are getting by with the basics for yourself it seems like you have the completely wrong idea of what an equal partnership means.

you made a choice by not going back to university and wanting to stay at home.
Why are you even trying for a child when your two are already keeping tied to home?

I think you have made some bad decisions for yourself. If he decides to leave you, what would you do? No qualifications, so many kids, no working experience at all? I think you need to make some responsible choices.

TheReluctantCountess · 10/03/2020 17:33

I think you should not have a third child. I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to work and have your own money rather than ask him.

BennyBanana · 10/03/2020 17:33

Divorce him and put in a claim for CMS

This.

Seriously.

MummyNWife · 10/03/2020 17:33

My situation is very similar to yours. We agreed i wouldn't work until my youngest is at school. He has thrown in a few times about me getting a job. My honest response has been f**k off, we said i would get a job when youngest is at school. He then say's " yeh i know, only joking".

It would't be worth me getting a job due to childcare. My husband earns alot of money a month, i do not need to work. Then another day, he say's he's pleased im at home with the kids, cooking and cleaning etc. I do think you need your own money though, he should give you money a month for spends.