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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:47

We don't have a joint account because I can just log myself in to his account and send money to mine

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 10/03/2020 18:48

Sahm only works as a joint decision if you have a joint account and free access to money. You should not have to ask for anything. By all means mutually agree on a budget or on large purchases such as a car or holiday, but everything else? That is yours too. Both your money, not his money and your allowance. And if you work, not his money and your money.

I'm currently a Sahm with baby dc3. I worked part time with the older two but for various therapy and other stuff, have decided on a career break until baby starts school. Today I went shopping and bought tons of underwear, plus clothes for kids and then did a food shop. I hands over my debit card each time that draws from our joint account. Not at any point will my Dh question me about it.
That is how it should be.

cptartapp · 10/03/2020 18:49

It never fails to amaze me how some people live their lives.
Bonkers.

alittlecloudfloatinginthesky · 10/03/2020 18:51

Do you actually have to ask for money, or do you just do it that way because you're uncomfortable taking what you see as his?

What happens if you just take some cash to pay for something? Do you actually have to account for it, does he ever ask?

Is he possibly just having a bad day and didn't feel like micromanaging which day the shopping is done... So suggests you get a job because then he doesn't have to think about it?

When he gets back I think you need to have a serious sit-down conversation about finances now that you're married. What would need to change to make you feel comfortable spending family money? Joint account, or separate accounts with equal spending money for both?
You going back to work and both wages paid into joint account and then split, with separate account for bills?

Think about it, and then discuss with him... If he won't discuss LTB.

Kit19 · 10/03/2020 18:52

So essential what you’re saying OP is that with no friends or family you’re entirely reliant on him for everything, money, social life, adult conversation....you have not one ounce of independence from him :/

I’m kind of lost for words at how unhealthy this is

Come on OP you know this isn’t anyway to live

redwinefine · 10/03/2020 18:54

Easy, tell him you're getting a job as a nanny.Second job as a cook, third as a maid. FOR HIM. He can pay you for it :D

BennyVegas · 10/03/2020 18:54

Do you actually know how much he earns? If he's a contractor is he employed via a limited company?

CheddarGorgeous · 10/03/2020 18:55

Your set up sounds like something out of the 50s. You are intelligent and articulate. There's no reason why you couldn't have a career but your husband will have to step up with household and childcare.

Vulpine · 10/03/2020 18:55

As far as I'm concerned I produced my dh's kids,therefore his wages are my wages and vice versa. When I was a sahm I had full and complete access to all money coming into the house. Your dh is a cock.

JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 10/03/2020 18:55

I read this over and over again, why on earth are women so willing to not bother with a career and become financially dependent on a man. You are stitching yourself up. Never will I do that, for so many reasons and my husband isn't a controlling arsehole. Stop having babies for crying out loud.

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2020 18:55

I completely get that but what's the point in finding a job to be pregnant again in a month or two

Because we're all telling you NOT TO GET PREGNANT!!

Moanranger · 10/03/2020 18:57

I am reminded of a Rolling Stones song “Under My Thumb”.
That’s where you are OP. Is that where you want to be?

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:57

@BennyVegas yes I know much he earns exactly, he owns the ltd company but other company's employ him if that makes sense, so he works a normal job but gets paid through his company

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 10/03/2020 18:58

It’s absolutely batshit that you run expenditure for a day out with the children past him, particularly when he is a high earner.

It’s obviously Not reasonable for him to suddenly change the goalposts re you being at home (presumably after you’ve done 100% of all the difficult baby bits/sleepless nights etc). It’s also not reasonable to think you will work AND play house AND pay for childcare. I am a SAHM, we have a joint account - I am valued by DH and I would never ever feel bad for spending our money, especially on a day with the children.

This is NOT a good situation for you, and you need to leave. If DH suddenly said I needed to work, in the way yours has, I would be getting a job ASAP and fucking off. Asking to move the shopping date is a problem?! That’s insane. Do not have another baby. Get a job. Make him step up and split the hours and the childcare and the pick ups and housework. What a horrible man.

I would think he was cheating btw. It’s such a strange change of heart. Unless he literally wanted you to do 100% of the really challenging baby bits and then go back to work now that’s over with?

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2020 18:58

Your set up sounds like something out of the 50s

My mother was a 1950s housewife. She never worked again once she had my older sibling.
She never had a bank account and my father gave her housekeeping. Always more than was needed for the house. She never had to ask him for a penny.

But if she had, and the money was there, the answer would have been Yes.

curlsnotfrizz · 10/03/2020 18:58

I completely get that but what's the point in finding a job to be pregnant again in a month or two

why would you want to become pregnant again? Do not!

BennyVegas · 10/03/2020 18:59

Is he affected by IR35 changes, could this be the reason for being worried about being a sole earner?

Although sounds like there's lots else wrong with this setup

crispysausagerolls · 10/03/2020 18:59

@Nanny0gg is spot on! DO NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

He is fucking with you absolutely to assert his control and show who is in charge. You “dared” to want to ask to spend money a day earlier so he is showing you he is the boss of the money.

ErickBroch · 10/03/2020 18:59

You say you have lots of spending money, but you don't? Clearly. This is not a normal situation.

HugoSpritz · 10/03/2020 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mantlepiece · 10/03/2020 19:01

You really need to sit down with your DH and have a big talk about finances and running your marriage.

You need to both decide and agree the way forward. The present situation is very unhealthy and cannot continue. The agreement should be that you two together are a partnership and will work as a team. Financially and practically. That means the finances and work will be shared.

Work can be defined as wage earning and work caring for children and maintaining the home. Both are equally valued in the discussion and outcome.

If he has not had a good model of family life he might need certain things explaining to him. However, he is an adult so should be able to empathise with your thoughts and also be prepared to make changes to possibly entrenched views.

He is not a single person anymore and also is a father of two children. He needs to share and consult with you about family earnings. Maybe his earnings are not covering outgoings. Maybe he is worried about future contracts. You both need to talk about this. Not a one off talk but regular discussions about finances and household management on a regular basis.

The outcome of the discussions may be that you do need to bring some monetary income into the household and he has to take over childcare on his non working days or time to facilitate that.

You will only resolve things by talking and getting financial clarity and equality in access to money. You need to know your financial situation and have an equal say to him how you manage it. Insist upon it.

Steamfan · 10/03/2020 19:01

You can't take the kids out without asking him? And you're thinking of another (he's keen on the idea?) Don't - please just don't

DonnaDarko · 10/03/2020 19:02

It's not his money, it's family money so you shouldn't have to ask for anything.

The fairest way to do it is for an equal share of funds, after all bills and savings, to go to each of you.

He's allowed to change his mind about wanting you to work but a proper decision has to be made by you as a family. And all childcare costs to be SHARED.

I think his suggestion that £40 after everything is enough spending money is just plain insulting.

I am also not surprised that he's shown his true colours not long after your married and he's got you "tied down". I think you should stop trying for another child unless you're on the same page about finances.

user1480880826 · 10/03/2020 19:02

Your set up is awful. Why do you only own 2 bras if your husband earns to much? You are not an equal partnership at all. If you have both agreed that you are giving UK your chance of a career in order to raise your children then you should consider every penny that he earns as your joint income.

Equally, if he decides he doesn’t want to be the sole earner any more he is well within his rights to change his mind and discuss you getting a job.

The money that you BOTH earn would need to go into a shared pot out of which all of your expenses come. This includes child care. If he thinks you should be paying childcare and then living off £40/month then I think your only solution is divorce.

Why on earth are you having another baby with this arsehole?

outnumberedmummy · 10/03/2020 19:03

Don’t have another child

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