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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:

MitziK · 10/03/2020 18:20

Might be a long shot, but could he be saying it because he feels it's not right for you to be so embarrassed about asking to change the day you go shopping? If you had a job, perhaps you'd be perfectly happy to spend money as you saw fit?

DingleberryRose · 10/03/2020 18:20

I think women as a species need to take a long hard look at themselves.

I can’t believe people are still optionally spaffing out child after child and getting into a position where they are fully and financially dependent on a man! It’s not 1950!

In fact, I can’t believe women are still opting to have children at all, it just doesn’t seem worth the sacrifice to me!

MashedPotatoBrainz · 10/03/2020 18:21

He's not a great guy if he's a high earner but his wife only has 2 bras and is lucky to get a tenner every now and then for makeup. He's a shit, financially abusive guy.

DeadButDelicious · 10/03/2020 18:21

Firstly, stop trying to conceive until this is sorted.

Secondly, your updates concern me. Asking you to get a job to share the burden of financial responsibility, where you both cover childcare and figure out the best way to do drop offs etc is one thing. Expecting you to find a job that covers all of the cost of childcare, I'm guessing allows you to do all the pick ups and drop offs and I'm assuming allows you to take x amount of time off if one or both of the kids is sick etc is another thing entirely. It also seems odd that he's having this change of heart so soon after the wedding and asking you to have a third child. This is ringing alarm bells for me.

If I was you OP I'd be working towards getting myself independent of him, so if you need to, you can go. And please, I'll say it again, stop trying to conceive.

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2020 18:23

Where do you get ‘your’ money from if you don’t work outside the home?

Original poster

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:23

@Fanthorpe we actually really close, like alot of affection, we Generally communicate well (this post doesn't come off like that haha), we barely fight, I'd like to say we're pretty happy.

The small wedding was more my decision just because I didn't want the stress of a big wedding, his family are embarrassing too so we didn't really want them ruining it, they still managed too anyway!

The house is rented and in both our names. Because he contracts we can move at any point so any part of the country

OP posts:

1second · 10/03/2020 18:24

Twat. Probably one of those men who thinks you’re sitting on your arse all day whilst his working soooo hard. Give over mate, with 2 kids under 3 you barely get time to wipe your arse let alone work full time.

Genevieva · 10/03/2020 18:24

I do't think he was fair to you, but I think it is worth looking ahead and planning.

Think about what you would like to be doing when your children are both at school. You might need some qualifications to get there. Look into what those are and the different ways of getting them. Your husband should pay for some childcare to enable you to do this.

You also need some money that you are free to spend as you want without asking.

Original poster

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:25

@merryoldgoat I don't have any money for myself, if I plan a day out with the kids I run it by him first for the money il need for it

OP posts:

RainMinusBow · 10/03/2020 18:29

You can work and be pregnant though? I have two kids with another on the way and work ft - and will do until I'm 38 weeks.

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2020 18:30

I don't have any money for myself, if I plan a day out with the kids I run it by him first for the money il need for it

Do you not see how wrong this is?

You are, in effect, a nanny, housekeeper and bedwarmer in this relationship.

Get a job. Earn your own money (he contributes to the childcare) DO NOT GET PREGNANT. And he can bloody well pull his weight when he gets home.

And if there's that much money spare are you saving for a house?

user14366425683113 · 10/03/2020 18:31

How shitty was your own upbringing that you think this is normal?

Original poster

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:31

@RainMinusBow I completely get that but what's the point in finding a job to be pregnant again in a month or two

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2020 18:32

So this kind man ensures you have zero freedom or access to funds?

You’re delusional if you think he’s a good husband.

TryingToBeBold · 10/03/2020 18:32

As far as I am aware you are only entitled to the 30 hours free from 3 if you are BOTH working and earning over £120 a week.

When you say you were going to return to work when they were at school, what were you going to do with the spare 15/30 hours you had free between the age of nursery starting and school starting?
Maybe he wants you to work so you get the 30hours free?

Genevieva · 10/03/2020 18:33

You need to work out what your average needs are in a given month, once you take into account everything you spend:
groceries; clothing (both the kids' and yours); entry to soft play centres; play group donations; transport...
Tot it all up, add a small amount of contingency for an emergency and ask for a monthly allowance.

Ideally you would include some paid childcare - perhaps a morning or two a week when both kids go to a nursery so that you can have some time away from them to study.

Fanthorpe · 10/03/2020 18:36

Thanks Mouse I wonder if the ‘get a job* was a throwaway comment then if you’re liable to move around? Do you have friends where you are? I’m sorry to hear his family are tricky.

Alyic · 10/03/2020 18:37

Have we gone back in time to the 1950's

Original poster

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 18:38

@fanthorpe nope no friend, no family, I don't know anyone here. I don't get an adult conversation till he's home

OP posts:

Poppi89 · 10/03/2020 18:39

I understand wanting to be a SAHM not spending out on childcare etc but I don't understand why if that was a joint decision you don't have a joint bank account or get a certain amount of his wages every month in your own account. I've never heard of anyone having to ask their partner for money before. If I was you I would want to get a job then he can do half the housework, childcare etc. I think you need a serious talk with him when he gets home about why the sudden change of mind - could this be something to do with not wanting a third child?

RainMinusBow · 10/03/2020 18:40

@Mouseandmoose I would strongly urge you to hold off getting pregnant and get a job so you can become more financially dependent.

My very wealthy ex became abusive after our second child and I left him. I got nothing from him in the way of maintenance as he got 50:50.

I relied on my career to push up my hours of work and pay the rent/put food on the table.

God only knows what I'd have done with no job.

I then met my fiancé who is a low earner. We both work ft. I have two boys and due a little girl in May. No way could I give up my job even if I wanted to! He's also currently off work following emergency spinal surgery last week so can't guarantee if/when he will return to work.

Situations can and do change.

curlsnotfrizz · 10/03/2020 18:40

Get a job, childcare is a joined expense. I don't understand why you dont want to work and prefer to be financially dependant on your DH. This is just bonkers.

And get contraception sorted.

Why would you even consider a DC3 in this circumstances.

curlsnotfrizz · 10/03/2020 18:43

if I plan a day out with the kids I run it by him first for the money il need for it

you sound like my 10 year old DC when it needs some cash. But you are an adult. Why do you allow him to treat you in that way?

Millhouse7 · 10/03/2020 18:43

OP this isn't a normal or fair way to do finances. Why do you not have a joint account? If it is his doing its yet another red flag. I don't know how many times people on here will say this but child care is not just your expense. They are his children too.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2020 18:47

It sounds like your financial setup isn't working for you. You really need to stop TTC and talk to your DH about why he's asking you about work and how you can have some money of your own.

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