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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 17:34

FFS, STOP the TTC NOW! Your entire set up is ridiculous, with you asking for money for food?! C'mon. TELL him, why did you tell me to find a job when we agreed otherwise? We need to discuss this like adults tonight after the kids are in bed. And then you do. Love how so many of these blokes who work away expect the other party to do 100% of the lifework and work the same way they do as well.

Mayaaaaa · 10/03/2020 17:34

Forgot to say

If he is imposing these rules on you, you are best getting back to work asap. It's not a good position to be in. Out of work for years, pension taken a hit and a big gap that will hinder looking for a job. The quicker you can get back, the better.

frazzledasarock · 10/03/2020 17:34

Good you’re married, you can go for half his fucking assets.

Altho I think you have to wait a year before getting a divorce.

Go back to study get a qualification under your belt out the dc into childcare and make him pay it all. Tell him it’s so you can get a good job and pay for everything like he wanna wants.

Then divorce him and take as much as you can.

He’s an utter shit.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 10/03/2020 17:35

Definitely stop trying for a baby. Have a think about what you’d like to do, you have two years before youngest is 3 and you would have help with childcare costs. In those two years you could completely retrain to a career you would love.

He shouldn’t be controlling all of the money like this. At a minimum he needs to transfer an agreed amount to you every pay day to cover running the household, food shopping, petrol for you and yours and kids clothing budget.

Soontobe60 · 10/03/2020 17:36

I voted YABU because you've accepted this state of affairs over your finances. He is financially controlling you. Giving you token amounts of money so you can buy make up!!
Tell him to sod off, get the finances put in joint names and look for a job, but pay childcare yuotbof the joint account. Oh, and don't even think about another child!

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 17:37

Good you’re married, you can go for half his fucking assets.

This is a total myth. It's in no way guaranteed that either party gets half of the other's assets in divorce. This is why it's very important for both to maintain as much financial independence and employability as possible.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:40

Works never been an issue for him, he's a contractor and gets jobs rather quickly as what he's works as is niche market but desperate for contractors.

I choose to be a SAHM because my babies are only little once and don't want to lose out this time with them!

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 10/03/2020 17:40

Yes, my ex H wanted me to get a job too. Our children were three and newborn at the time. I agreed as of course he'd be covering 50% of childcare, pick ups and drop offs etc. Well he didn't like the sound of that at all and told me categorically that this would not be happening and I would need to find a job and slot all child related stuff around that as he was the big earner. In the end it was clear it could never work this way and he never really pushed the issue except to occasionally tell me I was the laziest person he'd ever met and that I'd never worked a day in my life - I had worked full time from age 17 to age 30 when I met him and then for two years until we had our first child.

I'd be wondering where this had suddenly come from and who was in his ear tbh and I wouldn't be trying for a third child with him now.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:41

I completely agree, single people do it all alone but it's just not what we ever agreed on

OP posts:
Mayaaaaa · 10/03/2020 17:42

I choose to be a SAHM because my babies are only little once and don't want to lose out this time with them!

You can only be a sahm, if the other person is happy to financially support it.

You need to work this out with him.

But if he fucks off and you dotn have a job, it's very difficult. And he doesnt particularly sound like a great bloke.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/03/2020 17:43

Definitely one of those threads where it would be good to hear the DH's point of view ...

ByeMF · 10/03/2020 17:43

Definitely what the others said about the third baby. It will only make you more reliant on him. It'll make it far more difficult to get back to work too (when you want to) as one kid will always be ill.

Did you really only get married three weeks ago? Who chose the small wedding?

Is he otherwise a good man? He's not coming across as husband of the year.

LouHotel · 10/03/2020 17:45

OP this is very wrong. No one is questioning you're decision to be a sahm, the question is why you don't have access to money. It's not his money it's family money as your looking after children whose DNA is 50 per cent his.

You had to ask to change your shopping day?

What other things have you had to ask permission for?

Gazelda · 10/03/2020 17:45

Send him an email.
"Darling, I was so hurt after our conversation. I thought we were on the same page. Maybe you were having a shitty day, but it's not on to dump something like that on me over the phone.
Anyway, it's made me realise we need to sort some life planning. And both be happy with what we agree before we continue ttc.
I'm pretty embarrassed to say this, but are you aware that I feel a bit beholden to you by having to ask for money? And that it makes me feel like a child. In fact, I've been too nervous to ask for money to buy some new underwear that I desperately need! And it was out of order for you to question me over what day I do the shopping.
I'm sure you don't want your wife and the mother of your children to feel second class and inferior while doing the vital job of bringing up your children?
So, let's put all of our money into one pot we both have free access to for bills and anything relating to the children. Then each take the same amount of £ for casual spending and bung the rest in savings.

I'm going to look into some training or education so that I can plan a career for when the children are older.

I know you don't want me to feel as though my role is unequal to yours. So let's get a fairer balance so that we both feel valued for what we contribute to the family. "

KaptenKrusty · 10/03/2020 17:45

Get a job, he can afford the nursery fee's it sounds like!

How much better would it be to have your own money coming in each month instead of relying on him! I don't see the harm in him mentioning it might be a good idea! At least if you were working now then you would maternity pay when the next baby comes along which would be nice!

How would you manage without him?

I'd be careful about letting yourself be completely reliant on him tbh.

AllTheIceCream · 10/03/2020 17:46

I wonder whether he's got someone else who is putting ideas in his mind.

I'm afraid this was my first thought too.

But either way your setup sounds precarious at best and I'm adding my voice to the crowd telling you not to bring another child into this.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 10/03/2020 17:46

I choose to be a SAHM because my babies are only little once and don't want to lose out this time with them!

What kind if example does it set your kids to see their mum living on scraps, having to ask permission to buy food? What planet are you on, that you view your set up as desirable in any way at all?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 10/03/2020 17:48

Is he otherwise a good man?

Does it matter? He's extremely financially controlling.

SouthernComforts · 10/03/2020 17:48

If you are adamant about the third child, could you pick up where you left off with studying - doing distance learning at home?

How much more money will DH let you have for this 3rd kid? Or will you need to sell one of your bras on Ebay?

Hoggleludo · 10/03/2020 17:48

I'm the same. My husband earns enough for any financial. We don't have any money worries. No debt etc. No benefits. We don't need them.

I became as SAHM when I had my eldest. I had a long career. I'm not qualified to do anything

So I re-trained. I spent all my spare hours when my kids were asleep. Training. I now have a successful career in IT as a computer programmer.

I'm independent. I want to show my kids you can have the world. You can achieve anything you want

My husband NEVER EVER said to me. To go and get a job. I wanted one but key moaning to him that no one would hire me. I went for jobs. I got offered some. But like you. It would t cover childcare. So didn't do them

I'm a high earner myself now. I'm also the same mother I was. I do all the drop offs. And pick ups. I work when I want etc. You can have it

You are trying for another child. When one is 2 and 1. You'll have 3 under 3!! That's hard work.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 10/03/2020 17:49

What a horrible position to be in, not able to buy bras and having to ask for money for make up.

That's my worst nightmare.

I'd rather be single and on benefits and work my way back up, alone.

Hoggleludo · 10/03/2020 17:49

You need to be financially dependent from him

He questions you? When I didn't work. We had a joint account that we both controlled.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/03/2020 17:50

Well you need to stop trying for number 3 and get to the bottom of what the problem really is.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/03/2020 17:52

Get a job ASAP and put the baby making on hold.

I have a bad feeling about this.

BreatheAndFocus · 10/03/2020 17:52

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM. The problem isn’t that, it’s that your DH sounds extremely controlling. Why don’t you have a joint a/c? Why do you have to ask him for money to buy food?

He sounds horrible.