DD dating someone much older

[bawesp]

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

I think you risk losing her if you tell her to break up with him.

Realistically they’re likely to break up when he goes to university anyway. The most important thing here is not to alienate her and to make sure that she knows about safe sex practices (including knowing that she doesn’t owe it to him to have sex if she doesn’t want to).

Is it a massive age gap? When I was at school all the girls were going out with or wanted to go out with, boys about 2 years older than them.

It’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap, (Year 10 and Year 12)

I wouldn't say that's a huge age gap personally

My first proper boyfriend was the same age gap (I was 14, he was 17). We were together a year. Same age gap for my next boyfriend (15 and 18) and we stayed together until I was 21.

Pretty much all of my friends at school were going out with boys in the same year group as my boyfriends, so the same age gap. Maybe that’s normalised it for me but 2-3 years older was standard when I was that age.

I don’t think it would be a good idea to make her break up with him, or prevent her from seeing him.

Is she generally sensible?

I was out with boys, 2-3 years older than me, but, that said, keep an eye on her like the op above said. She doesn't owe him anything. He will be moving on when in Uni so problem solved.

Yeah, she’s normally quite sensible and smart, doesn’t go to parties etc

I wouldn’t say that’s a massive age gap at all. 2/3 years even at that age is nothing. From the title, I was expecting to read that she is 16/17 and he is 26/27.

Dh nephew is 30, his fiancé is 27. They have been together since she was 14. My dd is 12 and I don’t think I’ll be too happy if she’s dating a 17 year old in a couple of years time but these things happen, trying to split them up will just throw them closer together.

That’s a fairly normal age gap, no?

that’s nothing. If it were my DD, it wouldn’t bother me at all. Not like she’s 16 and he’s 30!

I think it’s weird. 17 is basically an adult and 14 is definitely a child. Not sure what you can do about it though

It's not about the age gap! Yes 2-3 years is nothing when you're an adult !
There's 5 years between me and DH.
But a 35 year old being in a relationship with a 30 year old is completely different to this situation

Why would an 18 year old want to be with a 15 year old anyway? It's cringey and weird. Think back to when you were 18 - can you imagine being interested in a 15 year old?

He also needs to be very careful. You're saying nothings happened, but they both need to be aware that if your DD so much as sends him a nude photo he will be breaking the law and could find himself on the SOR.

I don't think that's a huge age gap.

I starting dating my DP when I was 16 & he was 20. That said, 14 does seem quite young & I can understand why you'd have your concerns. It's good that she has been open with you, I'd foster the fact she feels she can talk to you.

A two year age gap at school isn't that much really. If you trust her let it run its course but have the talk about being careful and sensible, advise you think she's to young for a sexual relationship.

I don't think that's a big gap at all. I went out with older boys when I was at school, and at 17 started seeing a 22 year old. We were together for 4 years and had the best time! I'm fact, I've only ever been with one man who was younger than me, by a few months, everyone else has been older.

Hmm I agree that by trying to break them apart you will more likely push them together. Reginabambina gives good advice.

I don't think it's an ok pairing of ages though, at 17 I would not have dated a 14 old and if any of my male friends was doing the same I wouldn't have thought it was normal or okay. I would have been a bit repulsed tbh.

I was 15 and my first boyfriend was 17 and we have now been together the whole time (including uni etc) and married 13 years and have two beautiful daughters. Have you met the boyfriend is he kind and does he respect her? You never know how things will go it might fizzle out they might work.

I think it's the fact she is under 16 that makes me feel off about it. I don't think it's comparable to a 17 year old dating a 22 year old.

I have a 14 year old DD and I would not be happy with it either. It’s all about context - that’s a big gap at that age.

My first boyfriend was 17 when I was 14. It was a pretty normal age gap amongst my peer group. If it puts your mind at ease, we never went beyond kissing, and he never pressured me otherwise - 17-year-old boys can be quite immature, they're not all sex-crazed almost-men!

See silver, just that added year makes it less worrying for me. A 15/16 and a 17 year old sounds more 'normal' to me. But OP, you know your daughter best and as PP have said open communication is key, you sound as though you have a good relationship with her.

I guess let them carry on but you tell her that if he even makes one wrong move, shes to leave him where he is. Thats exactly what my mum said to me when I was 17(!!) a 20yr old 'boyfriend'. And I did!