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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dating someone much older

199 replies

bawesp · 28/02/2020 13:59

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

OP posts:
Beau20 · 28/02/2020 15:50

@adaline Oh 100% agreed! It's nonsense really BUT in the eyes of the law it can be seen as a crime (if it can be proved).

Just to put it into perspective; when I was at school, 15 years ago, a girl in my year (15) was going out with a boy in year 13 (just 18) they slept together and then he sacked her off. She was hurt and KNEW the laws so tried her dammed hardest to get this boy into trouble, he ended up being 'dealt' with by the police for statutory rape. Nothing came of it in the end (of course she consented albeit underage and not legal) but it was technically classed as rape.

Of course this is extreme, but it is the sad reality! We were simply not allowed to have relationships in school with older boys of age unless we were of age. The school was weirdly heavily involved.

BasilFaulty · 28/02/2020 15:50

Only by people who are being completely hysterical. In reality, by the time he's 18, she'll be 15 and nobody in real life will give two hoots. The police are not going to be interested in consensual sex between an 18 and 15 year old

Trust I know my stuff here when I say they would.

okiedokieme · 28/02/2020 15:51

Ps dd dated a young man 2 years above than her at 15, was I happy, no, could (or should) I do anything about it, no - she chose of her own free will, nobody coerces her!

Beau20 · 28/02/2020 15:53

Or maybe she was 14...I can't remember!

Ponoka7 · 28/02/2020 15:54

I'd want to know his attitude to drinking, because he will soon br able to buy it legally and that's what puts girls at risk.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 15:57

Only by people who are being completely hysterical. In reality, by the time he's 18, she'll be 15 and nobody in real life will give two hoots. The police are not going to be interested in consensual sex between an 18 and 15 year old

I also know my “stuff” Hmm and unless there was migrating factors, vast majority would not be interested.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/02/2020 15:58

No such thing as statutory rape. This is the uk. I agree with Basil. The police would be interested.

I can understand your apprehension op. I had a 2 school year age gap at that age. It’s really unfortunate that he’s at the oldest end of the year and her the youngest. I don’t think you really realise this when school age.

I would be nervous and I don’t have a child this age yet. My take is that I am darn sure my soon to be 12yo wouldn't agree to stop seeing a boy on my say so for this reason. So all you can do really is educate her / them. Someone suggested meeting his parents. Yes, I think that’s a really good idea after you’ve met him. I would definitely ask him over.

CoralFish · 28/02/2020 15:59

What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

If that is literally your only concern - you trust her and are confident that she can handle herself with him and will not be pressured into anything, then there is not a huge problem.

As others have said, it is not idea, but quite usual in that age group. I would think it would be a good idea to meet him so that you can make your own judgements.

If you are not worried about the age gap, stop caring what other people are going to say. Help your daughter to navigate her relationship with her father and friends as best you can.

everybodypuuuuulllll · 28/02/2020 16:01

I went out with an 18 year old at 15. We were together 10 years before we split up and he's still a good friend to this day. Not someone I see often, but we have a lot of shared experiences and mutual friends.

Making them split up is unreasonable. Invite the boy over, check him out. Make sure she knows where to get advice and help about sex and relationships - from you and also neutral sources. They might not be having sex now, but it'll likely be on the cards at some point if they stay together.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/02/2020 16:01

I don’t know any normal 17 year olds that would be dating a 14 year old. If I were you I would see if I can get more info about him and do some digging on social media.

Hopel · 28/02/2020 16:01

This age gap wouldn’t bother me as long as she knows how to keep herself safe.

adaline · 28/02/2020 16:02

I don’t know any normal 17 year olds that would be dating a 14 year old

When I was 14, I'd say the vast majority of people in relationships were dating 16/17 year olds. It's perfectly normal!

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2020 16:04

Invite him round. Encourage daughter to chat to you. Saying break up will just alienate her. Sounds like they have stuff in common. I’d chat generally about not being pushed into things before ready, age of consent etc. I have a 14 year old yr9.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 16:05

And what’s a normal 17 year old, compared to a 17 year old Hmm

PotholeParadise · 28/02/2020 16:08

The police aren't going to be interested. Think about the practicalities of investigating a just over-16 for a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old. She would just swear blind that they hadn't had sex. What are they going to do? Force her to have an intimate examination to check if she has a hymen?

We've only recently got to the point where the police and DPP consider prosecuting domestic abuse to be within the public interest even if the victim withdraws the charges.

user1497787065 · 28/02/2020 16:10

I would prefer my daughter to be with a sensible 17 year old at 14 than a boy of her own age who is maybe not so sensible. The age gap is exactly the same as the gap between my son and daughter. She was always far more
mature than he was in their teenage years. Just meet him You May be surprised.

suzy2b · 28/02/2020 16:11

When i was 12 my boyfriend was 15

QueSera · 28/02/2020 16:12

It's not a big age gap, even at that age.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 16:17

What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

That's the worry you take from this? Hmm

I'm surprised so many people think this is ok. DS is 17 and refers to that age group as the 'youngers'. None of the kids in his year would have anything to do with 14 year olds.

It's interesting how so many say it was normal when they were younger; so much was different then.

I would be horrified if my DD has taken up with someone almost 3 years older when she was 14. There is a huge lack of balance and despite what people say they are not on the same emotional or mature level. 14 year olds are kids, 17 year olds, not so much.

A comment about poked some interest too regarding him not being branded a paedohile when he turns 18. So what's the age to be 'branded'? 19? 20? 21?

14 year olds are young and impressionable, they are vulnerable and precious. What kind of a 17 year old has any interest in that Sad

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 16:20

Think about the practicalities of investigating a just over-16 for a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old.

Did you misread? It would be a 'just over' 18, with a just turned 15.

Parky04 · 28/02/2020 16:25

When I was 17 I went out with a girl who was 14. Girls are genuinely more mature than boys. It didn't last long as I was too boring!

DingleberryRose · 28/02/2020 16:37

The only thing which could prove problematic is that they’re either side of the age of consent (assuming you’re in the U.K. but I wouldn’t say the age gap is an issue in itself.

DreemOn · 28/02/2020 16:38

I think it is too big a gap. What type of (nearly) 18 year old wants to hang out with a 14 year old. It’s a bit weird. Not sure you can do anything about it though. Tricky situation.

blueheaven97 · 28/02/2020 16:40

The age gap itself is fine, but it's the fact that they're on two different sides of the age-of-consent boundary that, for me, makes it potentially icky. I don't really see what you can do though OP, other than make sure she is aware of the potential issues, and is behaving sensibly.

Deadringer · 28/02/2020 16:42

I think 14 is a bit young to be dating tbh.