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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dating someone much older

199 replies

bawesp · 28/02/2020 13:59

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

OP posts:
MrsAgassi · 28/02/2020 14:25

I don’t think you should consider asking her to split up with him, but I do get why you’re uncomfortable.

Ages 16/19 wouldn’t bother me as much. At 14 you’re still in the early stages of growing up and things like drinking and sex may not be something that you’re really ready for but end up going along with because you’re being led (not necessarily unwillingly) by older teens.

I’m not suggesting that this would apply to all 14 year olds or indeed that many wouldn’t feel pressured to do anything they were uncomfortable with.

Puffinhead · 28/02/2020 14:25

However, it’s encouraging that she’s told you about him and suggested you meet.

LittleBoyJuly2020 · 28/02/2020 14:26

Those saying it's fine, it's fine until sex is involved no? What 17-18 year old guy is going to wait two years to have sex?
I personally wouldn't be happy about it, but agree that trying to break them up will backfire.

Sweetdreamer93 · 28/02/2020 14:27

Well when he turns 18 and she is 15, if they have sex then there is a legal issue.
He would become a paedophile.

It’s interesting that some people think it’s fine yet if I did a post saying a my son’s friend is paedophile should I let him near my 8 year old daughter? People would be saying “hell, no”.

cliodh · 28/02/2020 14:32

I've often heard people say the youngest person it's ok to be with is half your age +7 years. So a 40 year old can't date younger than 27, a 30 year old no lower than 22 etc. So according to that your DD is too young for this boy.

Having said that I agree with pp that if you tell her to break up with him she may well dig her heels in. Is she generally independent, headstrong, self assured etc? If she is, then just give her all the information (consent, safe sex, but also that sex between them would be illegal

kenandbarbie · 28/02/2020 14:32

I would just make sure she knows not to have sex with him yet. Either it'll fizzle out or he will want sex and dump her or else they stay together happily. I wouldn't be too concerned really, just keep communication open with her.

cliodh · 28/02/2020 14:32

Posted too soon sorry...

and could therefore cause him serious problems) and then just be there to support her.

MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee · 28/02/2020 14:34

Thinking back to my sixth form days, I think any sixth former who was hanging around with 14 year olds, nevermind dating, would have been viewed suspiciously by fellow sixth formers.

Sixth form is a massive leap in terms of independence and how they view themselves. Going out to pubs and clubs, and getting served, is in reach, or perhaps they already pass. A 14 year old is way off from this stage. The 2 stages don't mix.

Perhaps this lad isn't interested in pubs and clubs and alcohol, but the life experience, subject, curriculum content. What do they have in common?

MrsToothyBitch · 28/02/2020 14:35

I find that quite a big gap at this age. If you think of the gap in terms of experiences and allowed freedoms, it seems quite big. Plus being either side of the AoC. I don't think breaking it up would work though- the opposite.

I was in year 12 when I first got a boyfriend and I was a young in the year 16 and he was old in the year and turned 18 very shortly after we started dating. My very relaxed parents were still initially Confused at the fact he was slightly older. DM said it just hit them that I was dating an adult and they needed a moment. A bigger gap or me initially being under the AoC would've worried them, for sure.

dustibooks · 28/02/2020 14:36

Ask him round to the house so you can meet him. Feed him pizza. Get to know him as a person.

Then you will be able to decide what to do.

oohnicevase · 28/02/2020 14:37

It's weird IMO , I have a 16 year old dd and I wouldn't have wanted her to go out with a 17 year old at 14.. it's creepy isn't it unless he is a very young 17.

rattusrattus20 · 28/02/2020 14:38

It's pretty bad IMO.

kids tend to think about things in terms of school years, 2 years apart is just about within the realms of social acceptability for kids even thought the real age difference here is more like 3 yrs, with his being old for his year + she young.

i'd wonder about 'letting' her see him.

Original poster
bawesp · 28/02/2020 14:39

@MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee
They go to the same tennis club on a Friday night, which is 3 hours long. He does all the sciences and maths at A Level, he’s only drank twice before (apparently)

She also says they have the same sense of humour, she finds it hard to joke around with people sometimes

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 28/02/2020 14:40

I had a relationship at 14 with a guy 17 it lasted 3years, yes we had sex but we were both happy, very much at the same stage maturity wise. It’s not going to last forever, if you make it hard work for them and ensure they break up you will just make their relationship more appealing.

copperoliver · 28/02/2020 14:41

I would not say that is a massive age gap, girls mature a lot faster than boys and she would probably find a boy of her own age immature.
Isn't the most important thing that he's kind to her and loves her.
I could understand if he was 20 or more. X

adaline · 28/02/2020 14:42

Sounds perfectly normal to me.

abstractprojection · 28/02/2020 14:43

I don't think it's fine but it is normal. It was was when I was that age and I can't see it being any different now.

I would take her up on meeting him.

This would be massive deal for a young guy, particularly considering the age gap, and if he had any disregard or ill intent towards her then I don't think he'd show.

SinkGirl · 28/02/2020 14:45

I wonder whether things were different for my friends and I being in single sex schools. We were all at the girls grammar, most of us went out with boys from the boys grammar and they were always a couple of years older than us. I guess it might be different if you’re in mixed sex classes. Boys our own age were very immature compared to us.

We all lost our virginity at 14 or 15 but we were all in relationships and we were all very sensible girls. I never really thought it was unusual but maybe it is.

dottiedodah · 28/02/2020 14:47

Girls tend to mature quicker than boys anyway. This is a fairly standard age gap really (The same as me and DH anyway)! People saying he nearly an adult when she is still a child are simplifying things .In the short term best to keep chatting, and inform her of contraception , and not being sexually active until shes ready . They may go their separate ways later on .Although I know of a couple who met at School ,now married 25 years later. (Not me BTW)!

Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 14:48

I went out with someone who was 18 (year 13) when I was 15 (year 10). I didn’t see an issue with it at the time but looking back now as an adult, it was sleazy of him. He did try to pressurise me for sex more than once and I think he ended it because I wouldn’t cave.

I wouldn’t be happy about my DD seeing a 17 yo when she was 14 purely because I know how much that particular guy wanted sex. I suspect most 17 year old boys only have one thing on their mind...

PlumsGalore · 28/02/2020 14:48

I’ve had DC that age, I think it’s pretty unusual for a sixth former to be interested in a year 10, but mine went to a mixed sector school so in this case the boy would probably be ribbed shockingly by his mates so would perhaps be less likely to happen.

Gadgnkk · 28/02/2020 14:48

She's found a boy who is similar to her. He's a schoolboy who sounds respectful. She wants to introduce him to you, not keep him secret. It's all good as far as I can see. Yes he is a bit older but it does not sound like he is controlling her.

PlumsGalore · 28/02/2020 14:48

*mixed sex school

tiredanddangerous · 28/02/2020 14:53

I think it’s quite common for teenage girls to have older boyfriends and I wouldn’t necessarily worry about it. I was going out with a 24 year old when I was 17...that seems worse somehow!

CarolHasAnotherUTI · 28/02/2020 14:54

What will her dad say? That’s my concern

That's an easy concern to deal with. Tell him, then you'll know.

I don't understand that your concern is what her dad and friends would say. Do other people's opinions always take this level of importance in your life?