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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dating someone much older

199 replies

bawesp · 28/02/2020 13:59

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 18:08

Clearly Hmm

I believe if this was a 17 year old girl dating a 14 year old boy the answers would be much different and the girl would certainly not be being called offensive names.

Both are still children, both are still at school, both have the same sense of humour, both have similar interests and sporting activities, yet because he’s nearly 3 years her senior, he’s all sorts of highly offensive and derogatory names Confused

JMKid · 28/02/2020 18:08

I teach 6th form, and I know they would never go out with a year 10 and would have the piss properly taken out of them. Year 11 is fine but no younger.

Canshopwillshop · 28/02/2020 18:09

@Sofonisba - I’ll do what I like thank you and that is certainly not what I was trying to imply!

LuluJakey1 · 28/02/2020 18:10

I don't think it is anything to worry about in itself. Are they two nice, kind, caring young people - that is what matters.

LuluJakey1 · 28/02/2020 18:11

Was a Deputy Head in a secondary school and this would not be unusual at all.

olivehater · 28/02/2020 18:14

It’s not that big a gap. I went out with a few boys with similar age gaps when I was 15. I always broke up with them when the pressure to have sex started. Hopefully she will do the same or at least make him wait.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2020 18:19

Yr 9 parents evening last night I really noticed how young, small and immature the boys looked and acted compared to the girls. DD is 14 sensible and mature for her age, 5ft 9 and looks older. As do many of her female friends. I can see why none of the small young looking boys in her class appeal. I wouldn’t be pleased if she was dating a boy 2 school years older but I can see how they could easily get a long.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 18:31

It’s not that big a gap. I went out with a few boys with similar age gaps when I was 15. I always broke up with them when the pressure to have sex started

Surely that proves that it is too much of a gap. It happened to you a 'few' times. Great that you were able to break up with them and say no, but I hardly think that's a reason to advocate for such a relationship. Not all 14/15 year olds will react the same.

1forsorrow · 28/02/2020 18:48

When I was 14 my boyfriend was almost 18, to be honest I think girls are more mature than boys, 14 and 15 year old boys seemed very childish, 16 year old not much better.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 18:52

, to be honest I think girls are more mature than boys, 14 and 15 year old boys seemed very childish, 16 year old not much better.

Yeah. They are supposed to be childish. They are 14/15 and that IS an immature age/. Our daughters shouldn't be striving to be any more mature. That's the problem/. Everyone excusing it because 'boys are less mature'! 14/15 year olds are supposed to be immature. The girls should not be dating 3 years above them ffs

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 18:54

Mumsnet is such a bizarre place. I have seen threads full of the parents of 16 year olds who don't let them out in the evenings at all and make them go to bed at 9.30pm with lights out at 10! Now we have masses of people suggesting it's fine for their 14 year old daughters to dat someone 3 years older Confused

CorianderLord · 28/02/2020 18:56

I had a relationship with a year12 when I was in year 10. This was in 2010-11.

It was fine, we were in a play together, we did have sex but I was the one who chose to (he was a virgin I was not) and it was a sweet young relationship. I was definitely the more intelligent party as big headed as that sounds.

We were 15 and 17 then 18. It lasted 6 months and he broke my heart but I moved on and am glad I had that crazy puppy love.

Just keep an eye on it and make sure she can confide in you if needs be.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/02/2020 19:00

He’s only 2 school years above. I don’t think 14 year olds should be childish. They are teenagers. I expect DD to be able to get train to shops with her friend, not need supervision in school holidays etc. Some babysit or work. By immature I mean messing around in class, silly stuff. Some of the stuff DD mentions the boys do in class is just plain immature.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 19:05

There is a huge different between maturity and childish behaviour.

I read a study during a case I was working in and I think it’s been scientifically proven that girls brains do mature faster than boys, I think scientists even established why also.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 19:06

Dixie

Obviously I didn't mean childish in the true sense. The boys have been called childish, they can also catch a train, no? I was meaning the girls should be acting younger not older. Who's reasoning does a 14 year old to have a boyfriend 3 years older is 'she is mature for her age'? - lots of people. Bit of people really thought about what that meant, we don't want our 14 year olds acting like 17 years olds. Let them be 14. Protect them from relationships they are not ready for.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 19:08

There is a huge different between maturity and childish behaviour.

Indeed. I used the wrong term, but it was in response to others saying the boys were childish.

I read a study during a case I was working in and I think it’s been scientifically proven that girls brains do mature faster than boys, I think scientists even established why also.

I don't dispute this. I just don't think them dating people 3 years older is a necessary part of that maturity. Yes they mature faster, but at 14 they are still 14. Not 17.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 19:22

In your opinion however for many maturity is a necessary part, mature girls and boys don’t want to be dating immature other halves, I dated my now husband because he was intelligent, mature, witty and we shared the same outlook and goals in life and we met when we were teens (under 16)

At 14 I was working F/T at 16 I had my own home, moved country, was at college and working F/T, do you honestly think a girl of my maturity would have dated a immature boy.

My situation is not common, however the maturity point still stands, even as young as 14 I knew what I did and didn’t want in a boyfriend.

Noodle78 · 28/02/2020 19:39

When I was 16 my first proper boyfriend was 21. My parents were not thrilled but they needn’t have worried about this one - there were a lot worse blokes to follow!

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 28/02/2020 19:47

My daughter is exactly your daughter’s age and I wouldn’t like it either. Nor would I want my son dating a 14yo when he’s turning 18.

But meet him. Be pleasant. Don’t alienate anyone.

carlyclock · 28/02/2020 19:47

At 14 I was working F/T at 16 I had my own home, moved country, was at college and working F/T, do you honestly think a girl of my maturity would have dated a immature boy.

No. But 14 year olds do not work full time (not in the U.K. anyway) so it's not comparable. 14 year olds in the U.K. are still in school and as mature as they need to be at 14. I understand the 17 year old in the OP is in school but lots of 17 year olds have left and are working and mixing in older circles.

I left home at 15, it's not something I would ever want for my children. Just because 'we did it in my day' doesn't really make it ok for now, for this day, for our daughters.

Anotherblokelurking · 28/02/2020 20:05

I don’t think the age gap is too bad but there is the bogie that the difference spans the AoC. When I were a lad, the girls in our year were only interested in older lads, so that was a dilemma for us lads, who to date? We had a couple of red lines. - when we were in the old third and fourth forms (not sure want that is in new money) we wouldn’t date anyone under thirteen. When we turned 16, dating a 15 yo was ok but once we got to 16.1/2 and 17 it became verboten.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2020 20:19

FFS, I used my experience because of you stating you dont beleive maturty comes into question, when it clearly it is an attribute that teens look for in a partner.

Mature teens are likely and want to date similar teens who are mature or have a little more life experience than them be that male or female.

I have never once said or even insinuated that "Just because 'we did it in my day' doesn't really make it ok for now, for this day, for our daughters." bullshit! Confused

As a previous social worker, I can give many examples (not abuse) of why maturity does play apart in teen realationships

Its not just daughters who are having this issue its also SONS! Hmm which you seem to skirt around and ignore Hmm

Sofonisba · 28/02/2020 20:19

Not that I think it's particularly relevant but the boy is not "turning 18". He's 17 and will be for another 7 months

WaggleWiggle · 28/02/2020 20:29

I had that age gap back when I was your daughter’s age. I was sensible enough to know that sleeping with him at that age wasn’t a good idea and he didn’t ask me to, either.

PotholeParadise · 28/02/2020 20:42

I think, like many other things in life, this all goes back to the different ways boys and girls are socialised within the UK.

When I was 14, I was only physically attracted to boys my own age, but personality wise, all of the boys I knew were complete no-gos until about 16-18, and some of them continued to be immature fuckers after that.

If I'd been physically attracted to boys a bit older than me and it had been returned, I can image that I would have dated a nice 17 year old who shared my hobbies and didn't ping my bra-straps.

I don't actually believe that 14-year-old boys are hard-wired to be that prattish. This is "boys will be boys" rearing its grubby little head.