DD dating someone much older

[bawesp]

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

I don’t think it’s a huge age gap if your DD is mature for her age (emotionally/mentally not physically). The obvious concern is sex... until she’s 16 it’d be illegal for him to have sex with her. If you think he could go down that path then you need to have a chat with him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you will report him to the police if you find out he’s slept with your DD (think Uncle Buck style chat lol!) and a conviction with affect him for the rest of his life. If he’s only after one thing you won’t see him for dust.

I have a 16 year old dd and I wouldn't have wanted her to go out with a 17 year old at 14.. it's creepy isn't it unless he is a very young 17.

What's creepy about it?

An 18 year having sex with his 15 year old gf is not a paedophile FFS. He's breaking the law and I'm not condoning it but it's not frigging paedophilia.

its not going to last. She has a few more years to be stuck in school and he'll be done soon.

I don't think that telling her to dump him is the way forward. But I get why you're feeling concerned, and I would have a full and frank conversation with her about why you're concerned. Specifically say that you're worried he may have different expectations from a relationship than her, and that she could feel pressurised into having sex when she's not ready and it's illegal. (I presume this is your main concern? Rather than what her Dad and friends will think, as you say in the OP?)

If you are honest with her, she sounds like a sensible girl so she'll probably take it on board. You can discuss some steps she could take to alleviate your worries (eg promise not to stay over at each other's house etc).

Keep the lines of communication open OP.

Oh OP I can understand your concern. I wouldn't be happy with this if it were my daughter, or son. Even if mine were the older one here.

I agree with everything @BasilFaulty said.

Unfortunately I do not know what the solution is. Can you speak to her and advise her what your concerns are? You can not stop them from dating but you can certainly make her aware of why you think it strange.

I would also speak to his parents

@SinkGirl - what, you didn't go to school with these boys? so in terms of total contact you'd basically known them a few hours? strikes me as highly unusual, that, though maybe my upbringing was a bit sheltered.

Of my close friendship group from school (7 of us), two got with their boyfriends when they were 14 and the boys were 18. Both couples are now married with kids. We're 32 now.

It's definitely a larger gap for that age group, but I agree with a PP that you should have him round and get to know him. He might be lovely and you might feel more comfortable with their relationship. I agree that it's probably all going to fizzle out when he goes to university anyway.

My DD's (14) BF is over a year older than her and turns 16 soon. We've got to know him and he's a nice kid, slightly more mature than DD and I think he's a good influence! DD can be daft sometimes so someone who won't encourage her is a plus!

That sounds fine to me, I thought you were going to say 15 and 25 or something!

I also talk to to his Mum and we're on the same page about no underage sex so that helps. She's drummed it into her son that it's not on.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that you will report him to the police if you find out he’s slept with your DD (think Uncle Buck style chat lol!) and a conviction with affect him for the rest of his life. If he’s only after one thing you won’t see him for dust.

The police are very, very unlikely to be interested in this! Please don't spread hysteria like that, it's just unhelpful.

From the parent of all boys .. I would be absolutely gutted if at 17/18 any of my boys couldn't see the issue with dating a child.

She's a child. If he so much has any form of sexual contact with her over the next 1.5/2 years he could ruin his whole life.

I'd be having a meeting with his parents and making sure they're both very aware of how terrible this could play out for him.

@BasilFaulty is correct.

I wouldn't be happy but I think it's best to keep her on side.

Definitely have him over for pizza, perhaps even his parents too.

She is very young despite her maturity.

I don't believe subtlety is the best course of action when spelling out that she needs to mind herself and that you feel that she is far too young for a sexual relationship.

It needs to be spelt out about him breaking the law and to remind her never to send pictures to anyone.

These can be uncomfortable conversations but I think they are very important.

Hopefully your husband will be calm and respectful of his daughter and her choices but it's not surprising he might be a bit🤨😳 at the age gap, and concerned.

I5 year old boys are too immature for 15 year old girls. Boys are normally about 2 years behind girls in maturity, so they are fine. Are you worried he will be pressurising her for sex because he is 17 ? A 15 year old boy would be just as bad. Leave her be

Same age gap between me & my first boyfriend. I was 14 & he was 17. He worked as an apprentice in my dads barbers Mentally I really think those ages are on par. I was definitely the pants wearer too 🤣 so I wouldn’t be to worried personally.

what, you didn't go to school with these boys? so in terms of total contact you'd basically known them a few hours? strikes me as highly unusual, that, though maybe my upbringing was a bit sheltered.

No we were at separate schools but all spent time together out of school often - we were all friends and then some people got together. I was in a band with my first boyfriend, and my second boyfriend actually, so we all spent a lot of evenings and weekends together, rehearsing and gigs etc. We hadn’t only known them a few hours, we knew each other well - and like I say, we all tended to get into quite long relationships.

Whilst if I could choose, I wouldn't choose for DD to have a boyfriend nearly 3 years older, there is an age spread of 2 years 6 months even within her class (we're abroad, people defer starting, repeat years if grades are poor, fail years, repeat when they change school etc).

I think it's noth what a mother wants but given the situation is within bounds which might be okay. Agree forbidding is absolutely the worst thing. Keep talking and listening and observing and advising, and definitely meet him.

My first relationship was when I was 14 and he was 17 (I'm 30 now), he was lovely and we didn't wind up having sex. He did dump me though because his mates teased him for going out with a 14 year old, which I remember being highly indignant about! (something along the lines of 'how dare you be ashamed of me )

We actually wound up dating for a few months after bumping into each other one summer when I was 20 and he was 23 funnily enough and have stayed friends - he's one of the few exes I'd happily chat to/have a coffee with if our paths were to cross.

I'd make sure to underline to her the importance of consent, and all the usual things, but I wouldn't be any more concerned about this age gap than if it were a lad of her own age.

The age gap isn't an issue here and their relationship age wise is very common.

The issue is that he is of consensual age and she isn't. The second he turns 18, any sexual activity will have him branded a pedophile.

I think (so I'm lead to believe from your younger family members) that its very common for kids to be having sex from 13/14 onward. I'd be pretty sure he has already hit that point in his life. There is nothing you can do but educate your DD on safe sex etc etc and let her get on with her relationship. It will likely run its course

I think that's fine, they are 2 school years apart and boys tend to far more immature than girls, so on maturity levels they are probably on par. I would be concerned, however of she is 14 and he was 24!

The second he turns 18, any sexual activity will have him branded a pedophile.

Only by people who are being completely hysterical. In reality, by the time he's 18, she'll be 15 and nobody in real life will give two hoots. The police are not going to be interested in consensual sex between an 18 and 15 year old!

And yes, I know that the 15yo can't give consent, but I mean within the parameters of the relationship. It's incredibly unlikely that the 18yo will suffer at ALL if they have a sexual relationship.

Well I would worry. I wouldn’t issue ultimatums but I would sit her down and talk about the issues she needs to think about with one being over the age of consent and one under. Ask her why he isn’t going out with someone his own age and any other gentle questions that show that you are concerned. What you want her to do is be cautious and respect her own boundaries and you can tell her that without telling her to give him up. Young girls tend to have less confidence in saying no to older boys. I had a relationship with and older man when I was 17 (I was still quite immature at 17) and my parents were terribly supportive as if it was entirely normal. I wish they had expressed even the smallest doubts because it would have made me feel able to say this isn’t right. If it is a relationship based on genuine friendship and respect it will stand up to a parent showing concern.

That's not a large age gap, my parents were exactly those ages when they met, married 50 years! The important thing is that she isn't coerced into taking the relationship further until she is ready, legally that means 16 (though realistically may be younger, I live in the real world, just as long as it her informed choice that is what matters). Talk to her in an informative way and let her make up her mind

You're being unreasonable. My first bf was at that age with about the same gap. It was my happiest relationship apart from my marriage now. I have very good memories of him.
If youre worried about a sexual relationship, there's not much you can do to prevent it anyways.
Out of all my friends i was the only one with a positive first sex experience, due to him being more experienced. My friends all found it anywhere between awkward and horrible with boys their own age, so i think the age gap was an advantage there.
Also, i got together with my bf at age 14 and we waited til i was 16 before we did anything. Quite a few of my friends lost their virginity earlier to boys their own age, so just because she has an der bf it doesn't mean she will have sex sooner.