DD dating someone much older

[bawesp]

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

Haud

It's a shame your maturity did not offer you up a better way to hold a discussion. Enough said.

If the sleep together he can get a criminal record. So it is an issue!

thats a perfectly mature comment...

Clearly I can hold a discussion as you've replied many a time to my posts, its you who cannot tollorate someone disgreeing with you without retorting to imature epithet flouncing.

Sorry I wasn’t advocating it. Just stating that it wasn’t unusual. But yes expect her to get pressure for sex with boys of that age. It’s a lot to deal with for a 14 year old.

Yeah. They are supposed to be childish. They are 14/15 and that IS an immature age/. Our daughters shouldn't be striving to be any more mature. That's the problem/. Everyone excusing it because 'boys are less mature'! 14/15 year olds are supposed to be immature. The girls should not be dating 3 years above them ffs I wasn't striving to be more mature, I just was as are many girls of 14. Who says they shouldn't be dating 3 years older than them? I haven't seen the instruction manual with that information. When does an age gap become OK with you because we could all probably do with the benefit of your knowledge. My husband is 7 years older than me, is that OK with you?

When I was 16 I started seeing a 32 year old. Yep, you read that right.

We were together 4 years and my parents loved him. My mum was gutted when I dumped him.

So less than 3 years isn’t a huge age gap.

she wants to introduce him

Build on this. Get to know him, make sure he knows you, and your boundaries. And keep talking with your daughter.

I wasn't striving to be more mature, I just was as are many girls of 14.

My comment you refer to was not that girls are not more mature, it was that 17 should not be the measure of maturity for a 14 year old girl.
Yes, lots of girls are more mature than boys at 14, but they are still 14 and are nowhere near as mature as they will be by 17.

Who says they shouldn't be dating 3 years older than them?

Lots of people, just as lots of people say it's ok. It is very much down to opinion.

I haven't seen the instruction manual with that information.

The sarcasm doesn't really add anything to your post

When does an age gap become OK with you because we could all probably do with the benefit of your knowledge.

You misunderstand me. I have no issue with age gaps. My issue is that the younger person is a mere 14 year old.

My husband is 7 years older than me, is that OK with you?

Assuming you are not 14 years old, yes. Mine is 20 years older than me. But I wasn't 14 when we met.

Maybe rather than saying that 14-year-old girls must be too mature, perhaps we should look at why they find their male contemporaries immature...

PotholeParadise - This is "boys will be boys" rearing its grubby little head.

I think its much worse than this, a 17 year old teen on this thread has been called a paedophile, rapist, predator, child abuser and nonse to name a few quite descriptive just because he is a 17 year old MALE teen

Yet the 14 year old female TEEN has been perceived as a victim, even tho shes had a reasonable emotionally intelligent conversation with her mother why she likes this boy.

As a mother of 2 boys I find this behaviour highly concerning and I haven't once commened on my own feelings regarding this age gap, just the awful assumptions and ridiculous offensive comments made simply because the teen is a male, as had it been the other way around the female would not have been subjected to those offensive and defamatory mud-slinging.

I have two different perspectives as a once teen and a teacher!

I was 14/15 and my boyfriend 17/18. We dated for about 7 months. He was really respectful and we never went further than kissing and a boob squeeze! I ended it with him as the 'novelty' of having an older boyfriend wore off. He was a lovely boy and I have fond memories of being treated with respect and kindness. Invite him home for tea.

As a teacher many girls in years 10/11 date older boys as they seem to mature much more quickly. It only seems to be an issue when the parents ban them from seeing each other.

Well if my son at 17 was going out with a 14 year old I'd go mad....there is alot of difference 14 is a kid 17 is basically a man. All kinds of wrong.

Maybe rather than saying that 14-year-old girls must be too mature, perhaps we should look at why they find their male contemporaries immature Well physically boys tend to mature later. In many cases a 14 year old girl would look much older than him if she was dating a 14 year old boy. My GS at 13 is still very much a little boy to look at, the girls in his class are generally taller than him and have breasts. So even apart from mental/emotional maturity there is a mismatch physically. Obviously there are exceptions, one of my sons was 6ft at 13 but he was definitely the odd one out in his year.

I think the key here is that they aren’t in the same school having a relationship amongst their peers. They are at different schools and met at tennis club doing a shared interest. My daughter takes part in competitive sport and does a lot of training for it in a mixed group of girls and boys ranging between 14 and 18, they are all friends and it wouldn’t seem odd if any of them got together as a couple.

OP, just invite him over for dinner. That way you'll see whether he's a polite, respectful lad or a sleazy, hands-everywhere moron.

If she's as grown up as you say - I would express my concerns to her in a calm and controlled manner and leave it at that

Keep the lines of communication open between the 2 of you.

Maybe it would be a good idea to invite him over for tea, so you can sus out the situation for yourself?

I think the key here is that they aren’t in the same school having a relationship amongst their peers. They are at different schools and met at tennis club doing a shared interest.

I also think that makes a difference, not to the age issue of course, but to the lack of peer pressure to only go out with people in the same school year or one year above or below.

My DD's BF (about 15 months older) goes to a different school and their relationships is only known to their friends.

it's not a huge age gap - i preferred going out with older boys when I was 15/16 - they had cars or access to drive parents cars for a start, and at that age, boys are often a lot more immature (well, any age depending on your pov).
Not being at the same school will make a difference too - what year someone is in can be divisive,

preferred going out with older boys when I was 15/16 - they had cars or access to drive parents cars for a start, and at that age, boys are often a lot more immature

An immature 17 year old driving a car is the very last place I would want 14 year old to be

This was me when I was younger! I was 14 and he was turning 17. 2 and a half year gap. We were together for 3 years. I lost my virginity at 14 which looking back now I regret because I was so young - even tho I was mature and intelligent. (I’m 20 now) Please just talk to her about sex and get her on contraception if you think it’s suitable (I did it myself). She sounds smart enough to make her own decisions :)

Turn it around- I’d hope parents of a 17 1/2 year old boy would be having words with him about being with a 14yo child.

Not every 17/18 year old boy is going to pressure their GF to have sex, though. I was 17 when I started going out with my 19-year-old BF. He never put pressure on me to do anything I didn't want to.
And yes, I know I was above the age of consent, but he was a nice person and we took things slowly.

As people have already said, meet the boy, get to know his family if possible - I imagine you've probably seen them at pick ups/drop offs) if they're doing an activity together so ask if you can be introduced to them.

You need to meet him. A lot tends to change over those few teenage years but as long as they're mature and he's respectful I think it could be fine.

Agreed that meeting him is best.

Yes, some 17 year olds will try to manipulate/coerce girls into having sex before they're ready. But guess what? So do lots of 15-year-olds! You should be having a conversation about that with your DD regardless of her bfs age.

For every 17 year old who uses their age to manipulate their younger girlfriend, there will be another whose age means they are actually more respectful and understanding than a boyfriend her own age would be. Best to meet him and see if he seems like the latter.