DD dating someone much older

[bawesp]

Hi all, DD is 14 (August 2005) and has told me she has been dating a boy for a month now. She’s in Year 10, and this boy is 17 (September 2002), so Year 12.

So that’s a 2 year and 11 month age gap.

DD is very mature and educated for her age, and this boy is apparently very intelligent. She told me that they would never think of getting together, they were in the same friend group (ages 14-17) and it “happened”.

She’s told me they’ve only kissed and done nothing more. They don’t go to the same school either, she’s at an all girls and he’s at an all boys.

He’s going to be 18 in September when she’s 15. That’s a hell of a big gap. What will her dad say? That’s my concern. And her friends?

She’s told me she’s never been happier and nor has he, she wants to introduce him.

What should I tell her? I feel like he’s much too old for him.

AIBU to ask her to break up with him? :(

I completely understand (and share) your concern. I would be discouraging this if I could

I think you need to continur to trust and support your daughter.
If she usually makes good decisions then I would encourage meeting him and having him over for food regularly so you can see how he is with her.

It's a big age gap when one is 14 and one is 17. Don't know why people are pretending otherwise.

Tbh I went out with a 17 year when I was 14. It didn't feel like a big gap, I think I was more mature than him. I was very sensible and wasn't willing to sleep with him so he got fed up after three months and ended it.

I don't think putting pressure on her will help at all, just reinforce the message that he will he breaking the law if they sleep together and keep communication open.

Where I went to school there were small classes and so there were always age gaps in relationships.

My first BF was three years older than me as was my second. They weren’t long-term though, but my first long-term BF was twenty and I was fifteen. I always got the impression his mom didn’t like me but actually I think she was just slightly uncomfortable with the fact I was so young. And she was very welcoming, would invite me for lunch/when he had to go into hospital she picked me up to go and see him all unprompted etc, so I’m fairly sure it was just apprehension.

There was never any sex on the cards though, and although we no longer speak (although didn’t fall out just went our separate ways) all others I had who were two/three years older than me are still good friends of mine to this day even though we live in different countries.

Fourteen year olds can be very mature and in general fourteen year old girls are more mature than fourteen year old boys, which is why a bit of an age gap is usually better IME.

Someone I know has an 18 year old who's left home and moved in with a 40 year old, if that makes you feel any better.

It's a big age gap when one is 14 and one is 17. Don't know why people are pretending otherwise.

Do you always think people are pretending when they have a different opinion to you?

I think that’s a big gap at that age. There was a similar relationship at my DD’s school between an older year 7 girl and a year 10 boy which caused quite a stir (between pupils rather than parents). It’s certainly not the norm.

It’s hard though because if you try and get them to break up you will probably just fan the flames and she will stop talking to you about it. It might be best to invite him round and get to know him and keep her on side and communicating with you.

It doesn't seem a big age gap. I was 16 with a 19 year old then 19 with a 31 year old. My dh is 7 years older. None of these relationships were a problem. I do understand if you're concerned that she is under 16 though. I doubt there's much you can do about it. Speak to her about consent and safe sex and remind her the age for consent is 16 for a reason.

I don't think that's a big age gap at all. Where in your op does it say he's going to uni? I must've missed that part. One of the comments said that they are likely to break up then, which I thought was a strange assumption.

Sept is still some time away, especially in terms of teen relationships. However, if you allow her to continue the relationship she will need to understand the consequences of having sex with him, particularly once he turns 18.
In the eyes of the law an under 16 year old can't consent to sex. It doesn't matter if they are mature, really want to etc. And it certainly doesn't matter that lots of people do it and it's fine.
We tell young people so much about consent but then blur the lines.

And yes, lots of us saying we went out with older boys back in the day. So did I and ended up having sex earlier than I should have. Things were different then and I really don’t think it’s the same with teens these days.

I have a son in y12. I have just asked him about this and his response was...." nonce"

He said she could be the prettiest girl in y10 and it wouldn't matter. He's really surprised that the boy isn't getting grief from his mates.

My first relationship was when was 14 with a boy two school years older. There was certainly no maturity gap! IME boys take a lot longer to mature, as they finish puberty a lot later.

That said, my first broken heart was when he dumped me after 6 months because I told him I wasn't ready for sex, and wanted to wait until I was 16. Still, I learned a lot from that relationship, and it certainly raised my bar where men were concerned!

In your shoes, I would go for inviting him round and getting to know him, before making any judgements about his suitability.

Genuinely stunned at these replies. Had to check I'm on MN.

Very concerning for you OP, I feel for you

I have a son in y12. I have just asked him about this and his response was...." nonce"

Proof, ironically, that boys mature slower and are probably better suited to girls a bit younger

@Bigearringsbigsmile - the kids at my DD’s school were calling the older boy a paedo! The relationship was certainly frowned on by my DD and the rest of the peer group!

I do think physical maturity has something to do with it as well. DD and all her female friends (14/15) are physically mature and prefer boys who are as well.

One of her friends (15) is going out with a boy who's a few months younger and he hasn't even hit his growth spurt yet - his older brother is over 6 ft. According to DD, she's hoping it hits soon as he looks so much younger than her.

That doesn't help the OP's dilemma, but that's a reason why these age gaps happen, not to mention emotional maturity.

You have a year 13 in England don’t you? So he’s not even in his final year of school? I don’t think it’s a huge gap in maturity (only two school years despite their actual ages)
However any 14 year old with a boyfriend should be supported to make the most sensible decisions about any physical side to a relationship.

I’d be a bit concerned. I’d want to meet him. If he’s a nice sensible lad and your daughter is sensible, it might be ok. I’d make it clear to my child that sex at 14 is in no way acceptable though.

Saying that, my son is 17 this year, there’s no way he and his friends would date a 14 year old, they’d see it as way too young and it would be be seen as something you just don’t do.

I wonder if the difference is because the OP’s daughter and the boy go to different schools? My DD goes to a huge mixed comprehensive and even though her and her friends are very mature and DD is one of the older ones, there seems to be this invisible barrier between year groups.

Why would a 17, nearly 18, year old want to be in a relationship with a child? Because she's naive, inexperienced, easy to control and easy to groom.

Being sensible or "mature for 14" will make no difference to him grooming and raping her.

It’s not so much the age gap, but the age they are
They will be having sex, and I wouldn’t be happy about that

If you want to protect her. Then be there for her and encourage her to talk to you about him. He's still a young lad himself. It's not like he's 21 or anything. Chances are it will fizzle out. Letting your kids feel they can come to you is the best way to parent. Have rules but also tell her if she plans to have sex to make sure contraception is used. Also tell her you'd prefer her to wait until she's old enough and sure they are serious.

I lied and kept a boyfriend secret for 3 years. We got together when I was 13 and he was 17. Stayed together 3 years. It was just a young thing. I used to go around his house and watch films and eat mainly. Played on his Xbox. Eventually we did have sex. But it was not in the first six months or anything. I know I was underage etc. We were always careful and I knew what I was doing. I didn't tell my parents anything because they would of gone crazy. I hope you can come to some sort of middle ground with it all.

Tell her dad he's one of the lads from school a couple of years older. Say they all hang about and they have a crush on eachother at the moment. It's normal for girls to like slightly older boys too. It's always been a thing x

It’s not so much the age gap, but the age they are
They will be having sex, and I wouldn’t be happy about that

Do you think she wouldn't have sex if her bf was 15 though?