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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my dd's teacher is OK in having an affair with one of the class parents

251 replies

tilbatilba · 05/09/2007 09:39

We have been travelling for a few months and have just returned to our very quiet little town to discover the grade 4 teacher, Ms X, is having an affair with the mother of one of the children in the class.
It is now a very public affair. The female teacher wants to remain in her job. The mother of 4 that is in the relationship is OK about everything. The father of the 4 children is furious and legal action is pending.
What would you do? The child in the Gr 4 class is well aware of everything and the family is in a mess.
My dd is due to join this class very soon. The betrayal of trust is beyond belief. My dd has been at the school for 4 yrs and very happy.
The issue is ...my trust of the gr 4 teacher is shattered. The unions are suppporting her and she intends to stay....she is very cold and hard....I think I should be looking for a different school
xx

OP posts:
TellusMater · 05/09/2007 20:05

I think if you are teaching the child of someone with whom you are having an affair, and consequently the relationship of their parents breaks down, then that child is put in a horrible position. It is very different to teaching your own child. It is unprofessional. It isn't about the two consenting adults. It's about the child, and the realtionship between the child and the teacher. Not the teacher's ability to teach. I think it is wrong. I think the teacher should have changed class at the very least.

handlemecarefully · 05/09/2007 20:13

YANBU - as per Snowleopard's post which is worth repeating

"YANBU! What is everyone on this thread thinking!? Her being gay and her sex life in general don't affect her teacing, it's the fact that she is having an affair with the parent of a child in her class and everybody knows!!! In other words, she's taking part in destroying that child's family and living out her sex life in public in a way that hurts and emmbarrasses that child. That is unprofessional and it would make me think a teacher was not committed to her job and didn't care about her class.

Would it be fine by you all if a female teacher was having an affair with the dad of a child in her class and his marriage collapsed and all the kids got hurt? I suspect not so much. "

I am totally mystified and in complete disbelief at some of the responses on this thread. Will say no more as I am tempted to be extremely rude and insulting

3andnomore · 05/09/2007 20:50

Got to admit, I also think it's wrong of a teacher to have an affair with a married parent of a child in their care.....the sexual preferences don't really matter here...it's just wrong, end off.
I think it would bother me, but I don't think I would distrust the teachers teaching ability...however, I really don't know how I would feel about that teacher teaching my child.

Franny, lol...why did I have you down as a Dungaree wearer ;)

To whomever mentioned a diffrent scenario earlier, where a single teacher got togetehr with a divorced Parent ...that is a different story altogether, and would not bother me at all, good luck to them, I say...it's the affair part, the op mentioned, that I would take issue with!

fizzbuzz · 05/09/2007 20:56

Dum de dum...why are we as teachers supposed to be paragons of virtue, and why does everyone feel they have the right to judge us...?

Teachers are human too, have feelings, including sexual feelings , but somehow we are expected to be upholders of morality in our private lives....why?

BTW, no hotbeds of passion in our school

Peachy · 05/09/2007 20:59

Not sure i'd apply it to teachers specifically, it'sd be a factor in my trust of anyone though, and a teacher neeeds to be trusted as they take care of your kids. AS Is aid earlier dont think anything should come of it, but on a personal level it would make me think that eprson's moral outlook was somewhat different to mine (really dont like affairs)

3andnomore · 05/09/2007 20:59

Fizz...but surely an affair is wrong anyway, but to conduct it on homeground....well, tis just wrong...

fizzbuzz · 05/09/2007 21:06

Yep, agree an affair is wrong, but it takes more than one person to start an affair.

However if there was no child involved, would it be an issue? Also, the child could be taught by another teacher, to avoid any uncomfortable situations.

If it was in UK, and the unions backing her, I would say, that any legal action would get nowhere against a big union

handlemecarefully · 05/09/2007 21:06

fizzbuzz - teacher's don't have to be paragons of virtue. They can have a part time job at Spearmint Rhino, be shagging half the fella's or women at the local boozer or whatever floats their boat for all I care, but screwing with the parent (and therefore the life)of a child in your class should be strictly off limits

Peachy · 05/09/2007 21:08

Oh I think action is too much, actually think that's just a very hurt man flailing around rather than any more.

If there was no vchild invovled not really anything to do with anyone, as the parent wouldn't have been a school parent, iyswim.
I even ahd to go attend an interview when I met Dh (he was an acocunt clerk in the company building next door- same foirm- I was a receptionist- oooh high powered trust issues )

handlemecarefully · 05/09/2007 21:09

don't know why I put a rogue apostrophe in. Must be in need of some edukashun

fizzbuzz · 05/09/2007 21:10

Yes agree totally, messing with the life of a child in your class is not good, and I certainly wouldn't consider it. But where was the mother in all of this?

handlemecarefully · 05/09/2007 21:12

Oh I'm not condoning the mother's behaviour at all!

3andnomore · 05/09/2007 21:14

fizz, of course you are right...the mother, is in a way, even worse for doing this to her children....

Original poster
tilbatilba · 06/09/2007 01:20

Fizzbuzz I agree. If there wasn't the child in the class for me it wouldn't be an issue.But he is and there are 3 more children to follow.There are only 80 children in the school and only one class for each level with about 12 in each class....so no chance of the children being with a different teacher.
I also agree the mother has a lot to answer for but I also think she is actually in a very vulnerable space and wonder how much pnd has to do with some recent unhappiness/life choices. It's pretty huge to walk away from 4 children under 10.
Anyway, thanks for all your comments and I am sorry that I upset some people.
We travel a long way to get to this school, it is hugely expensive and just who is teaching and influencing and inspiring my child certainly comes into the equation.

OP posts:
slim22 · 06/09/2007 01:55

It's awfull for that poor child!!!!!

As for removing the woman from her job I think not.
This is a perfect example of what real life is. You can't shelter kids forever.
10 is a reasonnable age to understand and talk about emotional issues with kids.
Why not take this opportunity to have a fact of life talk rather than embarking on a witch hunt? ( I don't mean you particularly but the whole village).

That's the sort of message the school should be sending:
There was a breach of trust. Teach your kids life's tough but if you talk it through you get over these things.
People are free to make choices and should bear responsibility for what they do. The issue here is dislocating a family. It's not right but it happens. In school, at work, on holiday, with a family friend, a stranger....
It just happens that it's in school. Tough.

Surely being in a class of resentfull 10 year will be punition enough for months to come. I say let the kids take care of her and give her ( a well deserved I admit) rough ride this year.

alipiggie · 06/09/2007 03:03

Having an affair with a married man or woman is not very smart, but she is not sleeping with a child. The children whose mother is having the affair may be affected by it, but then they have a mother and a father who should be dealing with their emotions (and handling the fallout).

Unless it is in the contract of employment regarding behaviour, then there is no comeback whatsoever.

Can understand why you would feel upset about the situation, however, hopefully it will blow over.

handlemecarefully · 06/09/2007 10:33

Slim - you're right of course

Budababe · 06/09/2007 12:23

Well I gave the head of DS school a fright this morning when I posed the question of this scenario and asked what she would do! She went quite pale till I said it was a "hypothetical" question as far as she was concerned.

She said that depending how it came to her attention she would feel that she would have to say something to the teacher involved as we are a very small community. (Private international school). In fact - it has happened apparently.

She said if it were in UK private sector there would be more that the school could do/would expect to do. Public sector in UK - would be nothing they could do.

Anoah · 08/09/2007 13:35

She is not a good teacher if she is going to ruin the family life of one of her pupils just to make her coochie happy. The poor kid must be gpoing through hell.

zookeeper · 08/09/2007 13:38

It's none of your business. YABU

Anoah · 08/09/2007 13:42

Just to add....I would get my kid the hell out of that class. If this teacher doesn't understand that the wellbeing and homelife of her pupils doesn't take priority over who she wants to bonk than she is an immature shit teacher.

The mother of the child is not blameless either. Maybe the child would have had a shit homelife even if the teacher wasn't involved with her mother. But that is beside the point. The teacher did break up and cause a hellish situation with child's family along with the help of the child's mother. Unforgivable. Kids are more important than sex/relationships. This child must be humiliated. Her family is in turmoil, everyone knows why, and the cause of it is her own mother and her own teacher. Fucking hell.

Anoah · 08/09/2007 13:43

Following on again from my other messages......I mean if she is going to do this to one pupil's life what will she do to the others? Leave them unnattended on a field trip because she sees someone who looks like a good piece off ass?

zookeeper · 08/09/2007 13:44

What a moronic post

Anoah · 08/09/2007 13:46

Well obviously she doesn't know how to put the wellbeing of her pupils first...to put it mildly.

zookeeper · 08/09/2007 13:50

Obviously