"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

How can we tell?

Is he on shifts? Was he unwell? How old are your kids? How long did you both agree to being SAHM?

But yeah you probably should get a job. See the other thread about the OP's DH not respecting her for being a SAHM.

He is BU

Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc.

It would be so tempting to go off the deep end but instead I would have a conversation about the current situation and if it’s working for both of you. Would you like a job? Is he feeling overwhelmed as the sole earner?

A baby and toddler is really hard work, I don’t blame you for wanting a break. So talk to your DH and decide together how weekend family time should work.

Of course he's BU. He should be doing 50% of the childcare at weekends regardless of your weekday set up.

He is being very unreasonable. At the weekend, everything should be shared. Why does he get to have a job for 5 days and your job is apparently 24-7?

He works full time and cant ever get a lie in? That sounds a bit unfair. But also does he help out with the kids etc? I worked full time, as did my partner, but we both did our share at weekends etc.

How much does he actually make then? I would be sorely tempted to tally up the market rate for all of the done stock services you provide.

I agree with PP, why does his job have contracted hours but yours never stops? He needs a reality check.

He is being unreasonable. It’s your ‘jobs’ to look after the kids in the week (as a childminder would if you were working) but at the weekend he is one of the two parents and should pitch in. Having a lie in is fine but a lie in both days and until 2.30pm is taking the absolute p
As for people saying you should get a job, that is a snide dig and clearly doesn’t solve a husband shirking his responsibilities as a father. Just read the millions of the threads of dads being useless where the mum is working.

I agree with PP. he works 5 days a week but you have to work 24/7? I bet you get up with the kids at night? Maybe one of you has Saturday off and the other have Sunday off?

TabbyMumz
But surely a lie in as a parent is till about 10am not 2.30pm!

He should be helping you out! In fact it's not even "helping" out it's called being parenting.

I'm still on mat leave at the moment but at weekends / evenings of course it's 50/50. We both take a turn having a sleep in while the other gets up with DD. Looking after babies / children is hard work.

Is your DH under a lot of stress or feeling down?

My fella works all week and I get a lie in at the weekend
Next available opportunity I’d get dressed and out the door before 9am. Give him a nudge and a kiss on your way out and say “X has this and that for breakfast, Y has this. I’m off out, see you later bubs”

So how many hours does he do and how many do you do?
You need to find out where this statement was coming from.

At best he forgot himself and is overly tired. At worst he has lost respect for what you do in this partnership.
What us the agreement you have about working/sahp/

Does he expect to have a lie in every weekend?

He is.
Kids have 2 parents, not just mother.
Tough shit if you’re tired, didn’t have a lie in, got woken up several times in the night. It applies to BOTH parents.
One partner wants don’t trump the other’s needs.

You doing the childcare enables your “D”H to work. Don’t forget about the other stuff like cooking and housekeeping.
Don’t be shy in reminding him that next time he pulls out his earning abilities.

@TabbyMumz I think 2.30 pm both Saturday and Sunday is a bit more than a lie in.
However at 11am I’d have dumped the children on the bed with him and informed him I was going for a soak and then locked myself in the bathroom with a coffee and a book for two hours.
One amazing mum ,I think on MN actually went away for a whole week and her dh had to look after the children on his own as she had instructed family not to help. She also didn’t shop or clean before she left.
Book a weekend away with a gf and let him decide if he prefers work or childcare. And get a job, for your future security if nothing else.

How can we tell?

By reading the OP.

I’d be out of there if someone took this attitude with me. He also made 50% of the children.

I suspect this isn’t the first time his twattery has come out. If you choose to live with that, crack on. You won’t change it.

I was in this situation and we took it in turns to have lie-ins at weekends. So one lie-in a week each.

Not till 2.30pm though, because that is taking the piss.

Of course you should share childcare at weekends. As pp have said, why is your job 24/7 but he gets time off? With kids that age I bet you are getting up in the night as well.

He is being selfish and illogical.

N. B. Is money the only thing he is contributing to this family? So what do you gain by staying with him? If you split up then he would still have to contribute money, plus look after the kids every other weekend while you had the weekend off. How would that scenario appeal to him? I'm not seriously recommending you LTB, but he really doesn't seem to have thought this through.

I dunno. You kindof started the "but I do 100%" thing. Would he have said such a thing if you hadn't prompted it?

Though I do agree that weekends need to be shared more fairly, and you need a conversation about that.

*He also made 50% of the children.
*
Which one of them isn't his?

Sorry, to answer a few questions:

DDs are 2.1 and 11m and I've been a SAHM all this time.
He has a stressful job and works long hours, he is a high earner (£100k+)
I do give him a lie in most weekends as he works long hours full time, but it feels like he only wants to be involved in family life when he feels like it and that's really unfair on me.

He is being completely unreasonable a) to lie in bed until 2.30 (unless ill) and b) to make the comment about money.

You probably should start looking for a job OP. IME one parent staying at home only works well if the other parent respects and values that role. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.

That seems a mean thing to say and like he is harbouring a grudge about you not working. I would address it with him. Think through everything that would change if you did go back to work. Childcare arrangements both during the week when you are working and in the evenings and weekends when both of you have finished work. What you will do in days when the children are sick or when you are called and asked to collect them because they are sick. Childcare costs, housework, shopping, cooking etc. Talk it through. He may realise he prefers it the way it is. He may want you to work and to give up all the relaxation time he currently has. You may think it would be nicer to work and half the load at home at the weekends and in the evenings. I would talk it through and decide from there. I would also expect more from him in the weekends and a better attitude if you decide to stay at home.

It sounds like he is unhappy with the situation so yes I’d go back to work. It’s a huge responsibility to be the sole earner and I’d comment back if the non worker wanted a lie in after I’d had to go work all week too.

I don’t buy into the theory though that the person at home works more hours than the full time worker. It I’m at home I don’t spend eight hours cooking or cleaning. It’s also not childcare to parent your own children.