"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

"Not just quite the same as 24/7 childcare that OP is doing, though, it it? So that extrapolating from your example is ... just not really very relevant. I love eating ice creme, but if I had to do it 24/7 it might not be quite so much fun."
As I said, my husband often worked weekends, so I do know what it's like to be just you with the children. I still would never consider it work. If you do, that's fine, I just couldnt.

I agree with PPs that framing it as your doing 100% of the childcare was problematic because you made it sound like a service you're providing to him. It would have been better to say 'they're your children too'. It's therefore hard to know if this is his actual attitude to childcare or if it was just a rebuttal to your comment.

But if he does think that he doesn't have to lift a finger at home because you're financially reliant on him, then that is problematic. If one partner is working and the other is a SAHP, it's easy to see childcare as the SAHP's 'job' - and you're never off the clock as raising children is a 24/7 role.

Personally, I think you'd have more freedom and a more equal partnership if you used some of his high salary to pay for childcare and got a job outside the home. Then childcare would be a shared 'job', with him needing to step up and do 50%. If he doesn't fancy that, then he needs to support you more in your current arrangement.

He couldn't earn 100% of the money if he didn't have someone doing 100% of the childcare!

As he earns over 100k a year, he probably could pay for a nanny or nursery if he chose to.

But that's not the point. He doesn't value OP's contribution. I work part-time from home and my DH works full-time. I do all the domestic duties - housework, laundry, cleaning, pet-care. We pay bills proportionate to our incomes. We don't have DC either. But the point is, he values what I do. He knows my job means I he can come home and slob on the sofa or go for a bike ride. He doesn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning and laundry because it's done for him. He knows he won't have to get up early to walk the dog because I'm around to do it instead.

It's not about who earns what. A good relationship should appreciate the strengths (and weaknesses) of both parties and what they contribute to the marriage.

Hmmm, this is always a difficult one, but I do think when you are both at home, sharing the childcare is essential for everyone’s sanity. If he’s not sharing it, he is not getting to k ow his child.

FWIW, in response to some of the comment on here about high earning partners abdicating their roles, it does my have to be like that. My DH is a high earner and I have been a SAHM for several years. My DH really appreciates that he would not have been able to advance his career as far as he has, had it not been for never having to be somewhere for children. He travels a lot and has been able to do well thanks to being available for last minute travel etc. On the other hand, when he is at home, we take it turn to have pie-ins and he will take the children out for a few hours if I need. Now they go to bed slightly later, if he gets in at bedtime, he automatically comes straight upstairs and offers to read stories. Where he can be, he is a very hands-on dad, but it works for us, that I am available to do everything for the children when required.

he is a high earner
Oh he definitely deserves a break, then. Of course, a dad who spends 10 hours hauling bricks round a construction site or 10 hours cleaning the street wouldn’t be worthy of a lie in.

he has a stressful job
Most jobs are stressful, albeit sometimes in different ways.

Sorry, just don’t get the relevance of these things, but they almost always get mentioned on such threads as if they are a kind of excuse. Of course, doubtless he sees them as valid reasons for shirking being a present dad and husband at weekends.

Also, it depends what age you are talking about. If you are a sahm when they are older and at school, is that work? When they arent there for 6 hours a day? Is it work in the school holidays and you are taking them on days out and enjoying time with them?

TabbyMumz listening to a kid for ten minutes isn't homework, nor is it teaching them to read. We used to do it before school. Homework is the written work - my kids did that at homework club. Reading to a child is all you need to do with nursery age children - as a Sahm obviously I read to my under 5s whenever, through the day but also as both stay at home and then working parent read to them at bedtime. Also not homework and not teaching them to read, and not saving the daytime reading up and doing it in addition at bedtime.

Why did your nursery age children get homework? Why did their 100% perfect childcare provider not read to them? Why did they not learn to read at school supported by just ten minutes per day at home, like most children?

You did make the daft, logistically impossible claim that work outside the house parents of potty training toddlers do all that sahp do "plus work too" early in the thread, check your own posts back.

TabbyMumz the OP has a 2 year old and an 11 month old.

Tell him he can lie in until either Saturday OR Sunday. You take the other one.

2:30 ^

You need to go back to work and tell him he can pay for childcare out of his high salary. Oh, and he can arrange it, too.

It gets easier as the children get older but childcare of little ones is harder than most jobs.

Has he ever been left with the children for a whole weekend to see just how hard it is?
My DH works full time long hours in a high paid responsible position but still puts the youngest to bed every night, helps with laundry and cooking and will take kids out at weekends to give me a break.

I think you do need to have a serious conversation about how much what you do would cost him in monetary terms and how he needs to step up. You want to show your children just what you do as a couple and how you support each other.

Maybe go back to one lie in each morning and cap it at 10am.

Do you have help? A cleaner? Can you put the children into nursery one or a couple of days a week so you get some down time too? I used to and even though used the time to go to the gym and catch up on household stuff found the time invaluable just to be able to do things without being interrupted and it meant we could do things as a family at weekends.

My Dh is the same i terms of hours worked and income. The difference is he WANTS to spend time with his children, and me and they are not just housemates he "pays" for. He needs his downtime but I also get downtime when we can when I'm not working etc. Your dh doesn't seem like he cares about his children at all, and that's what would worry me.

When the kids were little we took it in turns to have a lie in each and breakfast in bed at the weekend, whether I was at that point not working, working from home, working part time or full time. It was an absolute lifesaver.

I can't beleive that people are supporting the OP's husband!! Of course he should be doing 50% of the care at weekends, and lying in to 2.30 is just gobsmacking. Both partners should be working equal amounts, whether in or out of the home. Honestly, OP, I know you say that getting a job would be pointless because your money would go on childcare but (a) childcare would be paid for from family resources, (b) you'd be putting yourself in a better position for future employment, so would have added 'value' from that (c) what if this situation doesn't change? I'd be making plans so I didn't have to rely financially on someone who doesn't respect me.

of course parent who work dont do EVERYTHING a SAHM does as well as work!!

While you are at work a SAHM changes nappies, potty trains, cooks lunch, cleans up, plays with the child, teaches them, tidies up toys for the 100th time, wipes the crayon off the wall, reads stories, battles with nap time etc etc, whereas while you are work you are PAYING somebody to do all of that.
Now yes when you go home you do all that for the hours you are home (and a SAHM also does it during the evening hours) but the above is still done by somebody else while you are at work, it doesnt all build up while you are at work! so yea you are doing 8 hours less childcare than a SAHM.

Now being a SAHM mum is a priviledge and it does make family life easier as you can get things like washing and cleaning done during the day freeing up evenings and weekends for family time.
When the kids were little I worked evenings, i would be home with them all day and then DH would come home and do bedtime while I went to work. but I could get all the chores done in the day apart from the odd day when all 3 kids were home and playing up, Now that i work all week the evenings and weekends are spent cleaning, washing etc

@Enchiladas Totally! After maternity leave I went back to work for a break! Being a SAHM when they are little is the hardest work I’ve ever done!
It’s relentless.....

Do you want to go back to work OP?

mauve I can. Mumsnet doesn’t like SAHMs.

I was off work last week looking after our one year old and was so exhausted at the end of it. It is WAY harder than my job (which is one reason I'm back at work).

You need to have a proper chat when everyone has calmed down. Could he be a bit depressed ,unusual to stay in bed until that sort of time.(unless a teenager !)Have to say I work in a male orientated field,and many more guys than I would have ever thought make comments about earning all the money etc

@bloomburger yes we have a cleaner and DD1 goes to nursery two mornings a week but it's still hard work and I'm with the baby.

I know my DH is tired after a long week and I don't begrudge him a break, but I do get annoyed when he lays about in bed until the afternoon!!

He should WANT to look after his children...

@allthedamnvampires I don't necessarily want to go back to work, I enjoy being at home, but I wouldn't mind a lie in till 9am one day a week! I would go back to work if it makes life more balanced between DH and I but I'd be resentful. He probably would be too.

@mauvaisereputation
I can't beleive that people are supporting the OP's husband!!

I think you need to re-read the thread or get reading lessons. I can't believe you read the thread as supporting the OP's husband.

@Spudlet
mauve I can. Mumsnet doesn’t like SAHMs.

Odd, since there are plenty of SAHMs on MN. Are you saying they all dislike themselves?