"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Use some of the money to pay for childcare?

@mantarays - many working parents have to feed kids when they get in. Mine aren’t childcare ages now but I still have to come in from work and start my second job, cooking dinners, cleaning up, helping homework etc. My kids used to go to nurseries but they still needed a meal when we got home, and I have older children not fed by childcare so still need to cook dinner. I wish I could have just collected children and that was that.

I agree OP with another poster - tit for tat, and you started it with your comment. Have a chat with him and tell him you’re having a lie in too one of the days.

So many posters on mn have high earning partners who seem to think they can abdicate their role as parent. Makes me appreciate not having a high earning dh (100k plus).

We both work, I earn slightly more than him and between us we earn over that threshold. He works away a lot but when he gets back he picks up all the slack for a few days ( apart from cooking as he's shit!) and then we share. He knows how much of a juggle it is for me to do everything when he's not here.

Op I couldn't live like you are, feeling like a slave. Do you have the option (or desire) to return to work?

"So yours did TabbyMumz so you have precisely no idea what it's like to take 100% of the responsibility for the house and the children".
I do actually, as often my husband worked weekends. I also feel that I had 100% responsibility for them whilst I was at work. I made sure they had a roof over their head and food and everything they needed. I wasnt there in person during the working day but I made sure their childcare was 100% perfect and they were safe, warm and their development needs met. When they were at school, the school did this.

Darbs76

I am aware of that. But it isn’t true to say working parents do everything SAHP do. I’m sure if your children are past childcare age, you don’t spend time cleaning soiled beds or shitty potties. They get to an age where they can do their own snacks and don’t need to be supervised constantly. A lot depends on the age of your children, what you do for a job, hours you do etc.

While what @SalmonOfKnowledge says may seem harsh, having seen different examples in my own family and friends, as well as following many, many threads on here, I heartily agree.

Now is the time to get to the bottom of this. And nip it in the bud one way or another.

Find the way that suits you. At that level of salary, there are options to contract out a share of the really hard work, with cleaners/housekeepers/nannies/gardeners etc. If he wants to pick and choose his contribution, you can too. If he doesn't want to do anything, then he needs to cover his share of the labour.

The dangerous part for you is when the children are not so little. Keep an eye out for opportunities for you to gain skills and experience at work. Pretty much everyone I know comments on how much easier it is physically to work in an office compared to wrangling DCs no matter how you love them.

There are now choices.

In my mother's day, announcing you were getting married was considered as preparing to resign from you job, with the assumption your DH / family would now take up all your time and energy.

The world has moved on, you need to be firm and get your DH to catch up.

"You have enormous cognitive dissonance about the 50 hours of child care - do preschool children exist in suspended animation while you're at work according to your world view?"
I didnt say anything about 50 hours of childcare. Are you confusing me with someone else? My point is that I dont see looking after my children as work. Pure and simple.

I made sure their childcare was 100% perfect

😂👍

I think! yep dangerous I know but..

This sort of thing, how to raise a family and bring up children and the expectation of men and women ought to be a subject tought in schools and colleges.

Come to that if a few more young people were also taught how to deal with energy supply outfits and the cunning tricks they get up to that would be a good idea as well;!

There sorted;!

made sure their childcare was 100% perfect

well done you @TabbyMumz

Not just quite the same as 24/7 childcare that OP is doing, though, it it? So that extrapolating from your example is ... just not really very relevant. I love eating ice creme, but if I had to do it 24/7 it might not be quite so much fun.

My best mum friends when my kids were babies/toddlers, were wives of high earners. I wasn't, by a long way. But they envied me a husband who was around in the early morning, and was home by six. And I wouldn't have swapped with them, even for their lovely houses and great holidays.
They were more like single parents, because their husbands' jobs had them working away, working very late, and expected to be available to their companies even when they were at home.

I can see why both sides of those relationships found it tough. I don't know that they ever found the answer.

As for whether being a SAHM is easier or harder than being at work...well That depends on the job. I loved the freedom/lack of commute/fun times that being a SAHM gave me. They outweighed the hard stuff. And my particular job was very much harder.

@sandscript, he was BU but it's the sort of thing people say in the middle of a row. You were probably BU too.

I find asking my DH nicely and reasonably helps when he's being insensitive and not doing his bit ... "Please will you do this ironing?", "DS would like you to play a game with him", etc. It doesn't always come naturally when I'm feeling frustrated, but it works.

the "I earn 100% of the money" was in direct response to the childcare comment, so seems all a bit tit for tat.

Yeah, I kind of agree with this, tbh.

Staying in bed until 2.30pm when you have children to look after is a pisstake but starting a conversation with "I do 100% of the childcare!" is never going to go down well. It just starts the whole thing off on the wrong note because you sound pissed off and resentful before he has a chance to say anything.

If he’s a high earner then you really shouldn’t be doing everything yourself. It doesn’t seem like you are feeling the benefit of this money he’s earning so why does he get to feel the benefit of your labours? He either needs to take his fair share of domestic work or outsource it to someone else.

adaline

But there is simply no way she should be doing 100% of the childcare. All the hours he works, she does childcare. So the remainder needs to be split, and pointing out when this isn’t happening is just being honest.

"TabbyMumzI work. My cleaner does most of the cleaning. School children often go to homework club after school or do homework with a childminder - mine did when I went back to work until they were old enough to be home alone."
Really? Who sat and taught your kids to read in the evening? Homework clubs dont tend to exist for nursery school kids?

My dh works full time and I part time he pays the childcare fees in order for me to be able to work. He helps with the kids in the evenings and never has an issue cleaning or washing dishes. We are a partnership, any and all the work we do contributes to our household.

It should not be a competition between the working and stay at home parent as to who does the most 'work'. You are both partners, the work that you both do is for the benefit of your family. By being a sahm you are saving on childcare which allows your dh to do his job if you decide to go back to work then that will change. Tbh it sounds like he doesn't respect all that you do and that is where your problems lie. You need to have some serious discussions and think about your own future. Good luck!

Definatly get a job,you may need it.

Use some of his large salary to buy in help during the week so you get some time off.
Point out that it’s not just about childcare, it’s about his babies building a relationship with him at an early stage. No, they can’t have a conversation or understand much, but their relationships exist at a more visceral level, touch, smell, sound of his voice.
DB is a very high earner, not into housework. But sharing childcare when he was there was necessary to the family dynamics and years later, it still shows.

@TabbyMumz I've worked full time, part time and a been SAHP. Being a SAHP is the one I've found the hardest work, and found working full time the easiest. Working full time, I was getting a break, having adult conversations and was actually myself. Staying at home, I've felt like I've lost my identity, I'm just a mother and that's it. And its constant, never ending and thankless, never mind the judgement from full time workers who look down on you thinking it's all finger painting, toddler groups and yummy mummy coffee dates

Thanks everyone.

Considering the ages of our DDs it means if I do go back to work, all of my money would go in childcare and the only reason I'd be working is to spite DH and that's not a great marriage is it!

We have had success in the past with each having a lie-in one weekend morning but over time we've fallen in to a routine where he just lies in both days and because I can't face the argument (for the nth time) I just do it myself.

He couldn't earn 100% of the money if he didn't have someone doing 100% of the childcare!

I hate to tell you but in my experience even when you have a job you still end up responsible for cooking, childcare etc. This is based on myself and my friends even when women earned more. My dh is far more involved than my of my friends dh but still does nothing compared to what I do

If you went back to work, it would be yours AND DH's money that went for childcare. It's not your responsibility to pay for all the childcare.

If your older one is 2.5 and would be eligible for some free hours at nursery soon, I would look into getting a part time job then and putting the little one in paid nursery for that time. Pay for it out of the joint account. Also pay for a cleaner from the joint account. There's no way I would be leaving myself with none of my own money in your situation.