"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Going against the grain here but being out at work every day is not the same as being at home with kids
Yes they're hard work but it's not the same as dealing with management, clients, colleagues etc
But his comment was twattery

In a way though, I'd love to be a sahm. He has to get up and go to work, which he probably doesnt enjoy. You get to be with your kids all day. You can plan your day, go out shopping when you want, go to baby groups, chat with your friends. I wouldnt see this as work. I would expect him to be a family man at home though, and enjoy the kids as much as I do. I dont see staying at home looking after the kids as a job.

Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc.

Every time this comes up someone says that.

Maybe, he can invoice you back for rent, the utilities you use food you eat. I know who I'd think would be worse off.

Obviously he is being deeply unreasonable. He makes 100% of the money so you should work 100% of the time? Erm, no. I assume you made the decision for you to be a SAHM jointly and for the benefit of your whole family? It’s not acceptable for him to try to wallop you over the head with his largesse now.

I don’t see staying at home looking after the kids as a job.

It’s work. Try finding someone other than yourself who wants to do it for free. That should give you a hint.

I’d comment back if the non worker wanted a lie in after I’d had to go work all week too.

SAHP are not “non-workers”. This morning I have supervised my daughter’s potty training (emptied and sanitised potty three times), cleaned our rooms and made beds, done a load of washing, made and cleaned up after breakfast, filled out an application form for nursery and located supporting documents, cleaned bathroom, dressed and washed my daughter etc. If I wasn’t doing that, my husband or a paid worker would have to do it. You can guarantee my husband would recognise it as “work” if it was him, and nobody else would be interested in doing it without a salary.

"It’s work. Try finding someone other than yourself who wants to do it for free. That should give you a hint.

Its work for someone else to look after your kids, but I dont see it as work to look after my own kids. Its enjoyable, it's a pleasure, you are lucky if you can do it and not have to go out to work. It's not work.

Saying that you don't see looking after the kids as a job is just virtue signalling.

Loving your kids does not equal being delighted to survive on broken sleep and never have a lie in ever. It does not equal never needing 3 straight hours to yourself. It does not equal no longer being able to do any hobbies while your child's other parent spends time every week in his. It does not, in the end, mean not needing a break each week in order to be the best parent/ child care provider the other six and a half days per week.

People who don't think a job should try to find a live in nanny willing to live in and do a 70-90 hour week plus on call every night and some or all housework and laundry, shopping and cooking in return for board and lodging and pocket money, no holiday except working holiday with the family. Of course a parent loves their children in a way a nanny doesn't - doesn't mean a parent doing that amount of childcare is not entitled to breaks just like the child's wage earning parent, in a two parent family.

2:30 is not a lay in! I was good at sleeping pre child but that’s an achievement!

My husband is also a high earner, works long hours etc etc but we split childcare. This was true during maternity also.
I can’t remember how it came about but I am good at putting my foot down about sharing household chores, we both have jobs which we “own”

From birth we shared the night feeds. I might not have been going to work but looking after a baby is non stop & I was still driving etc. (Although I hardly class what me & DH do as going to “work” - it’s sitting at a desk typing. Looking after a baby is more physically tiring! If a DH is digging coal we can talk about him being tired....)
At the weekend we got a lay in each, this was until 9am. Then we got up & got on with the family day.
If one of us was particularly tired we asked the other if we could go for an hour nap in the afternoon.

Now I’m back at work we split responsibility’s of things we prefer. I find bedtime stressful & my husband can ignore the crying.....so we both go upstairs to play & then as DH puts DS in the bath I slink away to put some washing on, do dinner, tidy up.
DH finishes bedtime & then I’m up & down a bit as dinner is cooking.

I would say when I was on maternity I did 90% of housework but when DH was home childcare was split.
If one had a nap, this was followed by the other going for a nap!

What you need to do is AGREE with him.
Catch him off guard.

''yes you are right, you make 100% of the money and I make zero per cent of the money''. Nod along, nod along.
And yet, I have zero percent freedom to go and earn money.
So that's what we need to level here.

I need 50% of the freedom to work. I'll earn less than you and I can't get around that stark reality right now but I need to start looking after myself. Your comments make me realise how powerless I am. With no earnings, no savings, and it seems, no voice in the relationship, no right to a 15 minute break. Zero freedom, zero right to a fifteen minute break.

If he doesn't either agree to you going back to work or fix his attitude, you will be shooting your own future in the foot letting this continue.

I think you need to talk about it, it was either just a thoughtless comment as he was annoyed with yours about doing 100%, or he is unhappy with the current arrangement. Of course he should help at weekends, both of you are tired I imagine, and should have equal opportunity to decompress. Would he be more likely to engage at weekends if he found a less stressful and lower paid job?

Oh that kind of wage, I would have a nanny part time.
And when I’ve worked full time I’ve often slept like that at the weekend. I was exhausted. During the week, the pressure of work hugely impacted my sleep and weekends/holidays where the only time I could sleep properly. Getting woken up wouldn’t help, I would still be falling back to sleep, and very grumpy. Thankfully my ex had one good thing, he understood you can only sleep for as long as your body needs.

You shouldn’t be doing all the parenting though. He has more responsibility than just bringing in a wage.

What I suggest is that you both need to talk about this, as neither of you are wrong.

You husband obviously doesnt value the role of SAHM.
You need to look for a job show him what impact that will have on the family - work out what his share financially will be of the childcare and an extras you have to buy in - cleaner/gardener etc and what his practical contribution will be - 50% of cleaning/cooking/childcare evenings and weekends. Hopefully then he will see the value of your role.
Also weekends he should be a parent. What if both of you worked fulltime? would he expect neither of you to look after the kids?

So true what other posters have said

Good luck to him finding him to look after children for FREE

Well he's obviously taking the piss.

I'm in your DH's shoes, with my DH being the SAHP. When our kids were your age we each had a lie in day on the weekend, but not till 2:30! Jesus.

Now I get both days :D but that's because I get up at 5:30 am during the week and all the other lazy bones get to lie in till 7. So fair's fair.

You husband obviously doesnt value the role of SAHM - looking at some of the comments on here this morning it seems he's not alone!

Yep, husband is a very high earner too - we have one son. But despite his stressful and demanding job, he will get up early with our son so I can have a lie in. Because he knows that it’s quite full on during the week.

There must have been signs of this before you had your second child. I will never, never understand why people go on to have another when they’re not really happy with the division of childcare labour after the first. And Mumsnet is littered with them. Probably the anti-only child bias.

"cleaned our rooms and made beds, done a load of washing, made and cleaned up after breakfast, filled out an application form for nursery and located supporting documents, cleaned bathroom, dressed and washed my daughter etc."
And Mothers who go out to work do this on top of going to work.
I'm not saying there arent hard parts to mothering, but I never saw it as work. I appreciate I'm seeing it from a different perspective as I've always worked.

He’s being selfish and inconsiderate.

I hate it when men think because they earn and the woman is the SAHM then they get to do nothing when they come home and they get to laud it over the woman that they earn. It’s the opposite of a partnership.

It’s totally fine to be a SAHM OP. Why don’t you suggest that he stay at home instead and you work? Really drum that into him. He won’t want to do it. I’m 100% certain of that!

Then you need to wake him up really loudly and also pass on any housework or chores or childcare onto him when he’s not at work. As much as you can. Show him your displeasure and kick him into reality.

Yep he was and to be honest it was clear that the chances were he was a high earner because for some reason that makes them even more possessive.

Talk to him and say at the moment this isnt fair on you so what is his solution

TabbyMumz

That’s irrelevant. It is work. It’s not a hobby. If I was going out to work my husband and I would have to split it or pay someone to do it. It’s not fun, it’s work. Childcare is work.

Check the cost of a nanny then tell him you are going to look for a job as the financial imbalance in the relationship is having negative consequences.

DH was a SAHD when the DC were young and I was the high earner. By Saturday I was often comatose so did lie in but DH got Sunday’s. I would often take the DC out to the park so he could lie in and eat breakfast in piece.

That would bug me too. You need to have a better conversation with him about expectations.

If money isn't an issue, could you look into childcare, nanny etc to give you a break?

Still giggling at 'SAHP's aren't workers'!

Ok please tell me how your paid vocation that starts at X o'clock and finishes at X o'clock is more 'work' than tending to a baby up to 5 times through the night, starting your day the second the baby wakes up at 5am, being on your feet either caring for and occupying the baby and doing 100% of the feeding, cleaning, washing, laundry, tidying, shopping, cooking, nappies the entire day until the baby is in bed, and then starting the above all over again the minute the baby first wakes up in the night, non stop for at least 2 years, and then the only difference is you might be lucky enough to actually get more than 3hrs sleep in a row before doing every listed above.

I 'worked' for 10 years before I had children. Enjoyed an unbroken sleep every night and a lay in every day off, and the luxury of being able to choose what to do with my free time. Now I am a SAHM I work and have never worked so hard in my entire 'working' life.

2.30?? That’s completely wasting the day when you could be having nice family time. HIBVVU without even starting on the crass comment about the money.